Do I get to be upset?

She's sitting on my back porch. In the chairs I painted, with the Tiki Torches we bought because they were so nice. You're sitting behind my hot tub that my husband and I made love in. My yard looks so very nice, the grass it cut and now the privacy fence is up, the trees are blooming. My yard. But it is filled with her, and her children playing in the pool. When can I be upset? When can I be angry? That was my life, you were my life but you threw it away for something I don't understand. Why was I not enough? Why was what we could have had together not enough? Is it because she is happy with a walmart pool and sitting on the back porch and I wanted to go out and do things? Is it I wouldn't get a nasty arm sized tattoo right on my front arm? Is it because I wasn't skinny enough, since she is just the poster child for anorexia. Why now? Why did you put up the privacy fence? Why don't you chop down my trees in the yard, those were ours. I wanted those trees. You still have my storage building, that's my parents. Not yours. Not your girlfriends.

I can't believe you are being a daddy to someone else's children. You were suppose to be the father of MY children. Those children already have a father. You took everything away. I stood beside you for 11 years and you lied to me, you used me, you treated me like a possession and tossed me aside. I hurt EVERY DAY. I CRY EVERYDAY. What do you do? You sit and eat with your family. FAMILY, not mom and dad like me, your new MRS. and your new children. You have a FAMILY LIFE, a home, a family unit, you help get them bathed, dressed, fed, but to bed and you and Mrs. snuggle together and make love all night. Because I know you do things for her that you wouldn't for me. I know she is everything I'll never be and could never be.

I hated you today. I went to see grandma and grandpa today & they already knew about the divorce but it isn't fair because I sat crying because grandma had an episode because she fell at the nursing home and has 2 broken vertebrae in her back and she said she saw candy on the ceiling, taffy exactly. And now all grandpa wants to do is color so we brought him lots of colors. The family has began to fight over everything, it has been going on for weeks and in the midst of it someone actually broke in (through a window no less) to help himself. You were there when I needed to be held tonight when my grandmother had to be seen again by the nurse. You weren't there to hold my hand to see my 70 year old grandfather color a picture of Cinderella. You were at home, with you daughters and your new wife enjoying the weekend. I never imagined living life would hurt this much. I don't want to live anymore. This is too much. Even if I didn't see the pictures myself I would still know you're life is great so what does it matter?

So Stupid

So I quit using this blog for a while. I though, oh boy, I'm "moving forward". I even made another blog to be positive, I named it "Becoming Brandie" as a journey forward. To put all my positive things there, to get to record all the things I'll get to do in my life.

But I look at their facebooks and that stupid photobucket account every day. I hate it!!!!!!! I hate myself for looking!!!!! Because I HATE SEEING HER FACE!!! I HATE SEEING HER CHILDREN'S FACE ON HIS PHOTOBUCKET!!!!!! I HATE IT, I HATE, I HATE IT, I HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE NOT KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!!!!! Every time I see a picture of her or her friends (Ashley or Kasie) in his house I zoom in, I look in the background and I swear to God everytime I do I notice a new piece of the puzzle. Like this picture of her daughter, and in the background is a collage picture frame with a bunch of photos. (First off, THAT WAS MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE SORRY BITCH USED *****my***** PICTURE FRAME!!!!!) But the point is that there looks like there is a picture of him sitting in his pickup truck. It makes me think she took it while they were working together because I've never seen it. She may have taken it after I left but it makes me think, where was HE AND HER AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME THAT SHE WAS TAKING PICTURES OF HIM?! Even though I know they were having an affair I think these crazy thoughts. Crazy!!! Like, um...they were sleeping together and hanging out together and talking and you're surprised she took a picture of him?

IT WAS MY LIFE!!!!!!!!! MINNNNNEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's so in love with his work, his job. But I rode in those trucks, MEEE!!! MY ASS HAS BEEN IN THEM!!!! I HELPED HIM BUILD THESE TRUCKS AND WORK ON THEM!!!!!!!!! I was a part of his life and his family for 10 FUCKING YEARS AND I WAS REPLACED!!!!! LIKE A BAD LIGHT BULB!!!!

He told me he wanted all this stuff with me but he had already planned to move her in, and her CHILDREN!!! HE TOLD ME HE WANTED A CHILD WITH ME!!!! HE WANTED TO TRY TO HAVE A BABY AND NOW THEY ARE ALL LIVING THERE!!!!! MMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY LIFE!!!! IT WAS MMMMMMIIIIIINNNNNNNEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Now I'm not saying it is all her fault because I know it isn't but I feel like she was a vulture in a way. I see the pictures of where she came from and I can see where she would be like, hmmm....this is nicer than I've ever had or ever have so let me see if this will work. But him! It was his fault, he did it. He did. HE DID NOT LOVE ME ENOUGH!!!!!!!! I know I had an affair but I felt like shit, let me repeat.....LIKE FUCKING SHIT. I still loved him, and I told him everything and he asked me to stay and for almost 2 years he acted like everything was fine and he was doing all this stuff for me and being who he had always been.

But he lied!!! He loved HER! HE WANTED HER, HE DID NOT WANT ME. HE DOES NOT LOVE ME AND DOES NOT WANT ME AND HE NEVER WILL. WHAT I HAD IS GONE!!!! I AM ALONE, AND HE IS WITH HER AND HER children. THEY ARE A HAPPY LITTLE FAMILY.

IN A BED I LAID IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN A HOME ****I***** PICKED OUT. WITH THE DECORATIONS I PUT ON THE WALL. WITH MY BELONGINGS IN THE BACKGROUND.



I want to be over it. I want to find someone else to love, I want someone else to love me but there is just these "ehhh" feeling when it comes to that. There is no spark, there is no flame. The only think I won't do is meet up and fuck these people online that are talking to me. I want more than that but why even bother? What does it matter? No one loves me (like a man and woman love) of course my parents love me but they are my parents and I'm their only child.

In life I am a failure. I have a job that doesn't require more than a high school diploma, I don't have good credit, I didn't finish college, I'm overweight, ugly with zits on my face and my scalp has something wrong with it (I think it is psoriasis) so I'm all ugly, I don't own anything, and going through divorce. I'm a fucking loser. So what do I do?

I LOOOK AT THEM ONLINE!!!! I KEEP LOOKING AT HER FUCKING FACE!!!!!!!!! I'M SO SICK!!!! IT'S BEEN ALMOST 6 MONTHS AND I'M STILL SICK!!!!!! IT STILL FEELS LIKE A KNIFE IN MY CHEST!!!!!!!

Now I am getting mad at him, because I almost thought about starting a blog telling him all I'm going through without him (yes, I said it. Another blog). Like my grandmother and grandfather being in a nursing home and them telling my dad and his 3 siblings to split their belongings. They've (not my father) been fighting over crap for weeks! And I say crap in the literal term, like an outdoor swing, a generator, a cookie jar (yes!!! a cookie jar because my mother asked for this snowman one because she's a Christmas freak & no one said they wanted it until she got it, THEN one of my aunts said....well....I kinda wanted that cookie jar).

Where is he? Where is my rock that I told my whole life story to? Where is my best friend? Oh wait, that's right. He stabbed me in the back like the only friend I had. What is he doing? Oh, that's right LIVING A NEW LIFE!!!!! WITH SOME TRASHY WOMAN!!!!

Everyone keeps telling me to be thankful he didn't waste anymore of my time and be thankful we didn't have children....but I want children! I wanted children with him!!! I imagined us having a little girl and her having her own hard hat and boots to go to wreck scenes with her daddy and granddaddy. Yes...I never ever mentioned those words to anyone. I can't quit crying now that I typed that out. It was one image I had in my head that I never told anyone. He told me that when he was born his dad took him around to all the other towing companies showing him off and he told me how he couldn't wait to do that with our child. OOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR child (and he said this within the past year, not like 5 years ago).

I have a broken ankle and I'm in pain everyday. Where is he? After all the years that I took care of him, where is he? Where is my nice comfy bed? Where are the mattresses I PICKED OUT?!!!! That's right, she's sleeping on them.

I want to kill myself. I don't want to be here. No one understands how bad it hurts, they say I'm selfish to want to kill myself but right now I don't see anything worth living for. I'm tired of crying everyday and people say to get over it but I can't, it doesn't work like that, it just doesn't work. I just want to be at peace, I just don't want to think about him and her together, I don't want to think about him and her and her children (or maybe the youngest one is his, who knows, she sure uploads the pic of her giving birth enough to make me wonder), I don't want to think about him, her, her children and HIS family.

I just want to die. I just want to kill myself. I just wish God would take my life and give it to someone who deserves life like a sick child or sick adult with children. I just want to die.

And I was so stupid that I put a link to this blog on my "Becoming Brandie" blog with the title "Who I was". As if I had gotten over it. Yes, very funny. Who I was is Who I Am and who I am right now is still hurting. Still someone with NO ANSWERS TO THE THOUSANDS OF QUESTIONS I have. Someone that cries EVERY SINGLE DAY about someone who I thought I'd die beside and be buried next to.