Do I get to be upset?

She's sitting on my back porch. In the chairs I painted, with the Tiki Torches we bought because they were so nice. You're sitting behind my hot tub that my husband and I made love in. My yard looks so very nice, the grass it cut and now the privacy fence is up, the trees are blooming. My yard. But it is filled with her, and her children playing in the pool. When can I be upset? When can I be angry? That was my life, you were my life but you threw it away for something I don't understand. Why was I not enough? Why was what we could have had together not enough? Is it because she is happy with a walmart pool and sitting on the back porch and I wanted to go out and do things? Is it I wouldn't get a nasty arm sized tattoo right on my front arm? Is it because I wasn't skinny enough, since she is just the poster child for anorexia. Why now? Why did you put up the privacy fence? Why don't you chop down my trees in the yard, those were ours. I wanted those trees. You still have my storage building, that's my parents. Not yours. Not your girlfriends.

I can't believe you are being a daddy to someone else's children. You were suppose to be the father of MY children. Those children already have a father. You took everything away. I stood beside you for 11 years and you lied to me, you used me, you treated me like a possession and tossed me aside. I hurt EVERY DAY. I CRY EVERYDAY. What do you do? You sit and eat with your family. FAMILY, not mom and dad like me, your new MRS. and your new children. You have a FAMILY LIFE, a home, a family unit, you help get them bathed, dressed, fed, but to bed and you and Mrs. snuggle together and make love all night. Because I know you do things for her that you wouldn't for me. I know she is everything I'll never be and could never be.

I hated you today. I went to see grandma and grandpa today & they already knew about the divorce but it isn't fair because I sat crying because grandma had an episode because she fell at the nursing home and has 2 broken vertebrae in her back and she said she saw candy on the ceiling, taffy exactly. And now all grandpa wants to do is color so we brought him lots of colors. The family has began to fight over everything, it has been going on for weeks and in the midst of it someone actually broke in (through a window no less) to help himself. You were there when I needed to be held tonight when my grandmother had to be seen again by the nurse. You weren't there to hold my hand to see my 70 year old grandfather color a picture of Cinderella. You were at home, with you daughters and your new wife enjoying the weekend. I never imagined living life would hurt this much. I don't want to live anymore. This is too much. Even if I didn't see the pictures myself I would still know you're life is great so what does it matter?