Brise <3's Beth
John <3's Holley
Breanna Lenora/Kameron Terry is in Heaven.
Brandie is alone. Brise's mother posted on FaceBook he is as happy as she's ever seen in his adult life.
I found out that the problem was me. It is me. I thought I was a good wife. No one told me I was, I just assumed I was. I need to realize that I was not. That I will never be good enough. I wasn't good enough for John, he always said his choice would be Holley, so he chose that over me and the baby. Brise didn't love me, apparently I was awful. Apparently he was miserable and unhappy.
Now they are all happy. Because Brandie is out of the picture. Why don't I have the guts to take me out of the picture? Why can't I just crash my car into a tree or into a cement interstate exit divider? I don't want to hurt anymore but I still do this to myself. I know that I am not worth anyone's love and I will never be good enough for anyone, it has been proven twice already.
Why am I still here? I don't want to be here. I don't want to hurt. I hurt everyday. I cry everyday. May 31st would have been 11 years. I slept most of the day, went to work, and then left a few hours later. I couldn't stop crying and didn't want them all to see. He is finally free after almost 11 years. The home I picked out is now hers, the room I had dreamed of being our nursery is now filled with her children and her children's belongings. The back yard I always imagined our little children playing in now has a pool for her children to swim in. The man who I couldn't wait to get home every night now lays beside her, he wakes up to her every morning and comes home to her every night. This goes for both of them. They are both living a happy life because I am out of it.
I pass by his house, only to see her car in the driveway. I pass by his work only to see his work trucks and remember that I use to ride with him on calls. All the time and effort I put into it, wasted. But at least they are happy. At least they can all be happy now.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
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Posted by Diary of Divorce at 12:28 AM
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