UUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

OK, so I got my papers today, they're not really that big of a deal. He didn't ask for anything. It basically said at the end that the Plaintiff (blah blah blah) "prays" that after a hearing a judge will dissolve the marriage and then equitably divide the property and debts among the two of us. Ok, great. I figured he would nit-pick down to the silverware.

But what I'm pissed about is his sisters Facebook status, which said she got to see both her brothers, which doesn't ever happen and she'll get to see them both again Tues (it is her birthday) she is turning 16. What makes me mad is that he never acted like he gave a shit about his family for over 10 years and now that I'm gone he's suddenly Mr. Family?! It makes me feel like it is my fault! It makes me mad that I had to remind him over and over and over again when family engagements were and make sure he reminded his father that he had to get off. Oh now that I'm gone, he's just having a blast.

Then his friend James, his best buddy who helped him hide his whole affair put on his facebook for Saturday at 4:58 PM "About to go on a wrecker call drunk...oops!" uggghhhhh that means that he and James really are good friends (because James is working for them, or they had a big wreck and James was needed) which makes me not understand why my husband, who is turning 28 is bff with someone who is turning 22 this year! But yet he didn't leave me to party, like I had thought, he moved in someone who had children and he wants to be a big boy and file for divorce, it doesn't make sense. So he basically just fucking hates me and always has. He is just living it up and he will never ever think of me again, he will never miss me and my heart has been fucking ripped out. I am lost, I am devastated and I am fucking crushed and he's having a great time NOW having something to do with his family (which is good, but my point is he never gave a damn before now) and it makes me think of what he could be telling them, like it was MY fault he never had time for them.

Then James' most recent facebook update was "If the rest of my week goes like my weekend has, it is going to be one hell of a spring break!" So great, they must be having a great time being cool kids (because they had a wrecker call Saturday night so I am more than sure they have just had a great weekend partying or whatever the hell they do).

I cannot believe that I was such an awful wife that he just threw me away. Gone. Moved her and her children in less than a month later, filed for divorce, now has something to do with his family. He was a piece of shit to me, never did anything, never did shit in the yard, didn't do anything in the house and I told my mother he would do this, that NOW he could be great. I'm sure she's made him WANT to be a better man and no matter what I did, he could not be good to me, he didn't want me, he didn't WANT to give a damn. I would put money that his sister takes pics of her party and he'll have his new Mrs. there. I'm sure they'll just fucking LOVE her. They hated me and I guess it really is my fault because I am the common factor in the fact that he hates me, his family hates me so it is all my fault.

I hate it. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to do this. I don't have a reason to be here because I know that I won't find anyone that gives a damn about me. I wanted to be with him, I don't see how he can be so great now that I am gone. Why?! Why wasn't I good enough?! My mom tells me I was too good but obviously not! Me doing house work and cooking and doing for him, I was used! He used me and it did not matter. I don't get it. Why could he not be good to me? Why?!!! Why is he being so great now? Why?! Why?! I did and did for him, or better yet....I thought I was doing and doing for him. I tried to not to bug him and bother him and it didn't matter, I must really be an awful human being. He will never ever love me, he will never regret what he has done. Life without me is better than with me and working with me. I am a monster. He is not the monster, I am. I am a worthless piece of shit.

I can't do it. I can't make it. It hurts worse than to just be "hurt" to say "devistated" or "crushed" it feels like my soul is hollow because I know I am a monster. I have always tried to be a good person and it doesn't matter. I will never be a good person, I am a monster.

Where should I start.

Well, I discovered he moved in his girlfriend. She also has children, their toys are in the backyard. My neighbor's told me and I even have pictures of her sitting on my back porch. It only took him a month to move her in after I left.

He dropped the bomb at the protection order hearing, he filed for divorce that very morning which meant the protection order was tossed to divorce court. But that only means that 1.) they didn't want the case heard 2.) gives them more lee-way for the domestic violence hearing because a judge didn't find him guilty so I can't say that another judge found him guilty 3.) gives them more reason to push for a not guilty plea and 4.) if he gets a not guilty plea it only gives the divorce court judge a reason to toss out the protection order.

So now I am devastated. The only things worse could be if she's pregnant, they get remarried after the 90 day waiting period, and I get nothing at all from the divorce.

Mentally, I am not ok. I am beyond crushed. The fact that this woman has children hurts the worst because for over a year he had me all hyped up to have children of our own and I got into the mindset of having children and being a mommy. Raising our child and decorating a nursery and having all those firsts, like Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, bike riding, all of it. Now I have nothing and he has a whole family. I never thought in a million years he could hurt me how he's done. I know I have made mistakes but I loved him, I really did and was sorry for what I had done and I felt like SHIT the whole time I had an affair. I felt like a total piece of SHIT but he's been doing the same thing and he feels fine for moving her in and her children. I am crushed. I couldn't make this man love me. I tried it all, spicing it up in the bedroom, having sex whenever he asked, made it clear all he had to do was ask, I decorated, I cooked, I looked up recipes that he might like and made them for him, I cleaned (even though I wasn't the best), I helped him with his work, I tried to do it all and it wasn't enough. He hated me. I don't know why this other woman is better than me. I don't understand how he could love her so much to boot me out and replace me. I tried not to bitch and complain or control him. He came home whenever from work, I tried not to question it, I tried to make jokes like "yeah and you were the one coming home 2 hours late last night, ha ha" and he would always have an excuse like he got busy at work and so on. I never told him how he had to cut his hair or his facial hair, didn't matter to me where we went or what we did. I just was happy being with him. But I guess he took all my "laid back-ness" as I didn't give a shit about him but I did. My heart is just broken. I am just so very hurt. I just wanted him to love me and wanted him to want to be with me and he didn't. He loves someone else and I am left without him and without all the dreams I had. I don't know what to do. I am so scared that I will never find anyone to have all my dreams I so badly wanted. I don't know how to get past this.

I started to feel a little better but then it feels like I regress.

I talked to my parents about a lot of things last night but I've had a rough couple of days. Now it feels like I'm sorry for myself. I can't explain it but I'm just sad.

I was off last night so I got to go to bed before 10:00 am in the morning and I took a prescription sleeping pill and slept like a normal person instead of sleeping until 4:00 PM but I had a nightmare.

I was riding with him in the wrecker and we were talking about her. It was like as we were talking about her I was having thoughts about what he was saying and I could see my thoughts in my dream. He was telling me that he needed more time to discover if he wanted to leave me for her. He was telling me about her, that she was kind of stupid and immature. That the time when he put so little money in the bank he had went to the grocery store with her (something I've thought about because she has kids) and he was saying she had just kept spending money and was extremely overdrawn. I told him he went shopping for her and her children. He said yes, and then I questioned him about when he said he wanted to try to have children, that he said he couldn't adopt because he could never love a child that wasn't truly 'his' but he cared for her children. He said yes. I had asked him if he ever told her he loved her and he said no, then said he had once. He was saying things that he didn't like (I can't remember them now) but he still needed time. I could clearly feel that he had feelings for her and I just felt so crushed. Crushed that after all this time and all we've been through I can just be thrown out.

I hurt for myself, I hurt because I almost feel like I'm sorry for someone else. Because I realize how sad the situation really is. I realize how hurtful he was, I realize how awful it is that I still feel like it is my fault. Like I keep telling myself if I had been better. If I hadn't bitched so much, if I had cleaned up more, if I had done the dishes sooner, if I had picked up the clothes around the house for the laundry sooner, if I had washed the clothes more timely, if I had folded the clothes more timely (I hated folding clothes). But I really did try. I really just wanted him to be proud of me, I was always thinking of him. I was always looking in magazines for recipes and thinking of what he might like. I know I had done bad things like my affair but I just yearned and yearned to make him happy, to make him be proud of me, to make him impressed.

I just wanted to be good enough for him and I fell short. But this girl was good enough, and she had all the qualities of not being "the one", even though my parents keep telling me that isn't the case, that she most definitely isn't "the one", that is all I fear. That he is moving her in with her children, giving her the car he was going to fix up for me, and all the things he wouldn't do for me he is doing for her. My heart is broken. This was the man I thought I was going to be buried beside, we had talked about it in 2009, after May because his grandfather had passed away in May. This was the man I wanted to be the father of my children. The man that said he would be such a good father. The man that said he wanted to be with me and it was all a lie. The truth was that for God knows how long, he had been thinking about leaving me. Or better yet, telling me to get the hell out because that, as I clearly knew, was "HIS house".

Almost 11 years. He was my whole world.

And his own mother, who went through this exact same thing with his father and she hasn't even contacted me. Even after I sent her an email on Facebook and Myspace and she's been on there since then. I sent her a text message after he told me he wanted a divorce and said I couldn't make him happy anymore. Then after finding out that he had been seeing someone else, I let her know. I am just embarrassed because his family always said this would happen, they always said I wouldn't be able to make him happy and they were right. I can only imagine what all he's been saying about how awful I was but he never said anything to me about it.

I try and remember all the crap I went through, that I was always having to make him to just about anything, even if it was picking up his stuff. He didn't want to do anything, he didn't give a shit about anything and I realized last night that he was emotionally absent for the longest time. He was just going through the motions. Thanksgiving when he didn't care that I was working because he said he was working as well, even though I cooked for us he seemed hollow. Christmas Eve when he said he was working so he couldn't be with my family for Christmas Eve, even on Christmas Day. Our anniversary in October was the same. I keep trying to think of a time when he was really there. I think his spirit had been gone for so long, and for that I blame myself for what I had done, my affair. It really is all my fault.

I guess now, with her and his new friends, he has found what he needed to feel alive, for his live to have a purpose, to finally be happy. He doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to. He doesn't have to do yard work if he doesn't want to, put down the toilet seat, try to have a baby or a family, he doesn't have to cook if he doesn't want to, he can just come and go and take her out on the town.

His sister is turning 16 in a few weeks and I have known her since she was only 5 years old and I won't get to see her drive. I won't get to see her graduate. I am sending her a birthday gift, I don't care what they all think.

I am just heartbroken because his mom's side of the family even knew we were trying to have children. His grandmother just had a heart attack the first weekend of January and I went. I actually left work to be there with him, only to find out later from phone records he was talking to his friend James and his new girl. I'm sure they were fixing to have a great weekend because it was my weekend to work and I was working nights.

I just don't know what to do, I keep trying to prepare myself mentally because I have to see him twice, once next week and then at the end of the month and I don't know what he's going to say and I don't know how I'm going to react. I've been trying to prepare myself for a month and I'm not ready.

Still waiting on him to send me papers. I don't know how I'm going to react to that. I think I'm going to beyond fall a part.