UUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

OK, so I got my papers today, they're not really that big of a deal. He didn't ask for anything. It basically said at the end that the Plaintiff (blah blah blah) "prays" that after a hearing a judge will dissolve the marriage and then equitably divide the property and debts among the two of us. Ok, great. I figured he would nit-pick down to the silverware.

But what I'm pissed about is his sisters Facebook status, which said she got to see both her brothers, which doesn't ever happen and she'll get to see them both again Tues (it is her birthday) she is turning 16. What makes me mad is that he never acted like he gave a shit about his family for over 10 years and now that I'm gone he's suddenly Mr. Family?! It makes me feel like it is my fault! It makes me mad that I had to remind him over and over and over again when family engagements were and make sure he reminded his father that he had to get off. Oh now that I'm gone, he's just having a blast.

Then his friend James, his best buddy who helped him hide his whole affair put on his facebook for Saturday at 4:58 PM "About to go on a wrecker call drunk...oops!" uggghhhhh that means that he and James really are good friends (because James is working for them, or they had a big wreck and James was needed) which makes me not understand why my husband, who is turning 28 is bff with someone who is turning 22 this year! But yet he didn't leave me to party, like I had thought, he moved in someone who had children and he wants to be a big boy and file for divorce, it doesn't make sense. So he basically just fucking hates me and always has. He is just living it up and he will never ever think of me again, he will never miss me and my heart has been fucking ripped out. I am lost, I am devastated and I am fucking crushed and he's having a great time NOW having something to do with his family (which is good, but my point is he never gave a damn before now) and it makes me think of what he could be telling them, like it was MY fault he never had time for them.

Then James' most recent facebook update was "If the rest of my week goes like my weekend has, it is going to be one hell of a spring break!" So great, they must be having a great time being cool kids (because they had a wrecker call Saturday night so I am more than sure they have just had a great weekend partying or whatever the hell they do).

I cannot believe that I was such an awful wife that he just threw me away. Gone. Moved her and her children in less than a month later, filed for divorce, now has something to do with his family. He was a piece of shit to me, never did anything, never did shit in the yard, didn't do anything in the house and I told my mother he would do this, that NOW he could be great. I'm sure she's made him WANT to be a better man and no matter what I did, he could not be good to me, he didn't want me, he didn't WANT to give a damn. I would put money that his sister takes pics of her party and he'll have his new Mrs. there. I'm sure they'll just fucking LOVE her. They hated me and I guess it really is my fault because I am the common factor in the fact that he hates me, his family hates me so it is all my fault.

I hate it. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to do this. I don't have a reason to be here because I know that I won't find anyone that gives a damn about me. I wanted to be with him, I don't see how he can be so great now that I am gone. Why?! Why wasn't I good enough?! My mom tells me I was too good but obviously not! Me doing house work and cooking and doing for him, I was used! He used me and it did not matter. I don't get it. Why could he not be good to me? Why?!!! Why is he being so great now? Why?! Why?! I did and did for him, or better yet....I thought I was doing and doing for him. I tried to not to bug him and bother him and it didn't matter, I must really be an awful human being. He will never ever love me, he will never regret what he has done. Life without me is better than with me and working with me. I am a monster. He is not the monster, I am. I am a worthless piece of shit.

I can't do it. I can't make it. It hurts worse than to just be "hurt" to say "devistated" or "crushed" it feels like my soul is hollow because I know I am a monster. I have always tried to be a good person and it doesn't matter. I will never be a good person, I am a monster.