I started to feel a little better but then it feels like I regress.

I talked to my parents about a lot of things last night but I've had a rough couple of days. Now it feels like I'm sorry for myself. I can't explain it but I'm just sad.

I was off last night so I got to go to bed before 10:00 am in the morning and I took a prescription sleeping pill and slept like a normal person instead of sleeping until 4:00 PM but I had a nightmare.

I was riding with him in the wrecker and we were talking about her. It was like as we were talking about her I was having thoughts about what he was saying and I could see my thoughts in my dream. He was telling me that he needed more time to discover if he wanted to leave me for her. He was telling me about her, that she was kind of stupid and immature. That the time when he put so little money in the bank he had went to the grocery store with her (something I've thought about because she has kids) and he was saying she had just kept spending money and was extremely overdrawn. I told him he went shopping for her and her children. He said yes, and then I questioned him about when he said he wanted to try to have children, that he said he couldn't adopt because he could never love a child that wasn't truly 'his' but he cared for her children. He said yes. I had asked him if he ever told her he loved her and he said no, then said he had once. He was saying things that he didn't like (I can't remember them now) but he still needed time. I could clearly feel that he had feelings for her and I just felt so crushed. Crushed that after all this time and all we've been through I can just be thrown out.

I hurt for myself, I hurt because I almost feel like I'm sorry for someone else. Because I realize how sad the situation really is. I realize how hurtful he was, I realize how awful it is that I still feel like it is my fault. Like I keep telling myself if I had been better. If I hadn't bitched so much, if I had cleaned up more, if I had done the dishes sooner, if I had picked up the clothes around the house for the laundry sooner, if I had washed the clothes more timely, if I had folded the clothes more timely (I hated folding clothes). But I really did try. I really just wanted him to be proud of me, I was always thinking of him. I was always looking in magazines for recipes and thinking of what he might like. I know I had done bad things like my affair but I just yearned and yearned to make him happy, to make him be proud of me, to make him impressed.

I just wanted to be good enough for him and I fell short. But this girl was good enough, and she had all the qualities of not being "the one", even though my parents keep telling me that isn't the case, that she most definitely isn't "the one", that is all I fear. That he is moving her in with her children, giving her the car he was going to fix up for me, and all the things he wouldn't do for me he is doing for her. My heart is broken. This was the man I thought I was going to be buried beside, we had talked about it in 2009, after May because his grandfather had passed away in May. This was the man I wanted to be the father of my children. The man that said he would be such a good father. The man that said he wanted to be with me and it was all a lie. The truth was that for God knows how long, he had been thinking about leaving me. Or better yet, telling me to get the hell out because that, as I clearly knew, was "HIS house".

Almost 11 years. He was my whole world.

And his own mother, who went through this exact same thing with his father and she hasn't even contacted me. Even after I sent her an email on Facebook and Myspace and she's been on there since then. I sent her a text message after he told me he wanted a divorce and said I couldn't make him happy anymore. Then after finding out that he had been seeing someone else, I let her know. I am just embarrassed because his family always said this would happen, they always said I wouldn't be able to make him happy and they were right. I can only imagine what all he's been saying about how awful I was but he never said anything to me about it.

I try and remember all the crap I went through, that I was always having to make him to just about anything, even if it was picking up his stuff. He didn't want to do anything, he didn't give a shit about anything and I realized last night that he was emotionally absent for the longest time. He was just going through the motions. Thanksgiving when he didn't care that I was working because he said he was working as well, even though I cooked for us he seemed hollow. Christmas Eve when he said he was working so he couldn't be with my family for Christmas Eve, even on Christmas Day. Our anniversary in October was the same. I keep trying to think of a time when he was really there. I think his spirit had been gone for so long, and for that I blame myself for what I had done, my affair. It really is all my fault.

I guess now, with her and his new friends, he has found what he needed to feel alive, for his live to have a purpose, to finally be happy. He doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to. He doesn't have to do yard work if he doesn't want to, put down the toilet seat, try to have a baby or a family, he doesn't have to cook if he doesn't want to, he can just come and go and take her out on the town.

His sister is turning 16 in a few weeks and I have known her since she was only 5 years old and I won't get to see her drive. I won't get to see her graduate. I am sending her a birthday gift, I don't care what they all think.

I am just heartbroken because his mom's side of the family even knew we were trying to have children. His grandmother just had a heart attack the first weekend of January and I went. I actually left work to be there with him, only to find out later from phone records he was talking to his friend James and his new girl. I'm sure they were fixing to have a great weekend because it was my weekend to work and I was working nights.

I just don't know what to do, I keep trying to prepare myself mentally because I have to see him twice, once next week and then at the end of the month and I don't know what he's going to say and I don't know how I'm going to react. I've been trying to prepare myself for a month and I'm not ready.

Still waiting on him to send me papers. I don't know how I'm going to react to that. I think I'm going to beyond fall a part.