This is how it is going to be.

You're going to stop doing this to yourself because you're suffering because you choose to; pain is inevitable, suffering is not. You are not going to do this to yourself because you are finally waking up, the pain seared you into complete shock and numbness. You are now understanding what has gone on and you are becoming angry. You didn't get to take everything you wanted and you're mad because you want the things that were very dear to you. You want them because you had to pull teeth to get them because he controlled your every move when you were on his time. He didn't like you spending any money on anything that made you happy at all although you worked, did everything that he asked, you went out of your way for him, and followed his every direction. He did not want you spending a dime, you felt bad for buying yourself lunch and gas, but yet he could not pay his bills. He lied to you, he said he could start making the bank deposits and you thought he was a big boy now, you thought he was responsible and you were proud of him. Yes, his shocking new responsibility of money management came because he was hiding money from you. You make sure you never forget he only deposited $300 for 2 weeks worth of work before Christmas. Do not forget the weekends you went out and he said "Want some icecream?!" And you sat outside and talked to each other and thought everything was fine and you talked on and on with each other. Do not forget you were not the one that wanted a child with him until what happened with you and John. He came home in January (early) and talked about starting to have a child. Do not forget that you said "I just need you to tell me really simply, "I want us to start trying for a child if that is what we're doing. I know you are telling me but I just can't believe it"". Do not forget he repeated it to you, do not forget you told him over and over and over again that you didn't think y'all were ready, you wanted to finish school and pay off the bills and his debts and he told you "Well I understand that but I'm ready for a family and I know you want to go back to school but it has taken us this long so I don't see why we can't do both" (he said this has you were coming over the bridge on Jeff Hamilton Rd, you were driving). Do not forget he knew when the "right times" were. Do not forget he got upset because the anniversary present was not a positive pregnancy test. Do not forget he got excited only 4 days before he told you that he wanted a divorce because he saw the diaper wreath on the wall. Do not forget that he bought that Christmas jumper 3 weeks before he told you he wanted a divorce. Do not forget that when you took pictures of the Pontiac car he joked that now you would have 2 cars so yall could try for two sets of tiplets (he was locking the gate at the shop and he was laughing with you as you said "Oh no!" and said "You can put them in your truck!" as you pointed at his pickup as you were backing out of the gate). Do not forget he took you to Babies R Us and took pictures of you as y'all picked out stollers and he felt the organic cotton and remarked how soft it was before he knew it was organic cotton (because you wanted to do all organic items--as much as possible--in the baby's room). Do not forget that you looked at baby room items and he remarked that y'all could buy the whole set with the money you two had in the bank at that time. Do not forget the crib he wanted to buy at Christmas time when y'all were shopping (although you know that was probably in preparation for her child). Do not forget the "Daddy's Princess" jumper he got for you in September when you got a BFN and you were so sad.

Brandie, you are not crazy. He is going to blame you and say you were baby crazy. YOU WERE NOT BABY CRAZY. HE LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE THAT HE WANTED A FAMILY ***WITH YOU*** You peed on sticks all the time, you took creams and pills and ate all kind of foods and he made you feel something was wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you, you have a regular period, you ovulate regularly and you have been pregnant before and had no complications from what you had to go through.

YOU NEED TO REMEMBER THAT THIS IS NOT HURTING HIM. HE HAS NO PROBLEM LOVING ANOTHER WOMAN AND ANOTHER WOMAN'S CHILDREN. AFTER 11 YEARS, HE HAS NO PROBLEM CALLING HER NAME, TALKING TO HER, HOLDING HER CHILDREN AND BEING A 'DADDY'.

Brandie, you are too good of a person, you have so much potential and you need to tell yourself everyday that this isn't going to happen, you are not going to be ruined by what he did. You loved him but he has never loved you the same (look in the pink and green diary). You gave more than you had to, way too soon. He was wrong and you feel like it was your fault because somehow if you wore makeup all the time, fixed your hair 24/7 and wore matching pajamas he would somehow love you more. He wouldn't. He wanted the opposite of you. Do not forget your heart racing for the unearthly slow minutes when Jaki was sending you the pictures of her PI work, how you thought Barbie was going to be on the backporch in an apron. You thought she was going to be tall, slender, wearing a sundress, pearls and heels, with pink lips. You thought that it was going to be Faith Hill from the Stepford Wives. You thought it was going to be Bre on Desperate Housewives but with blonde hair. What did you get? Ashley, Beth's friend, with nasty self dyed red hair, no makeup, weird glasses, and a sleeveless black "Rock" t-shirt. What have you seen since then? That Beth is trash, you know she is, it is flowing outward from the pictures. You knew his whole family was trash all along, you know that he was going to do this, you just finally trusted him. YOU WERE NOT AN IDIOT, YOU TRUSTED HIM.

What is going to happen now that you are waking up is to understand you will not get anything more from this divorce, although you hope you will get each and everything you ask for, you need to go ahead and pre-accept that you will get nothing. REMEMBER YOU DID NOT TAKE ANYTHING THAT WASN'T RIGHTFULLY YOURS. YOU DID NOT DAMAGE HIS HOME OR HIS VEHICLE. YOU TOOK YOUR THINGS AND THINGS THAT YOU NEEDED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE SAFETY NET LIKE HE HAD ALREADY SET UP FOR HIMSELF. He is going to claim you took everything he owned (do not forget he already has a flat screen, PS3 that are James', and that he is using your carseat to haul around her child.) Once you accept that you won't get anything more, make peace with it.

At this time you are looking to decorate your new place. It doesn't matter that is isn't a big house, or a house for that matter. It is going to be a place you are going to learn to be yourself, and be ok, and a place where you leave the pain behind. You need to get excited that you have something to decorate :P . You will have YOUR THINGS. Yes, you will be alone. That is scary for you because it is nice when you had someone to come home to, someone to cook for, and someone to watch t.v. with but NEVER FORGET AS LONG AS YOU LIVE he was more dedicate to his work than his marriage and he was hardly ever home.

You are going to go back to school. It is not a fairy tale, it is not a fantasy. You are going to do it and pay for it yourself. The job situation will change and everything WILL workout and you ARE going to be sitting at USA in a classroom again with a binder, book, pens and in a room full of people who have no idea the drama you have been through. You will be cussing where you have to park and how far you have to walk and you are going to be so very excited. YOU TOOK TIME TO GET MARRIED AND PLAY HOUSE, THEN GROW UP, GET DIVORCED AND MOVE ON. It was a diversion on what you were suppose to do. It's not a big deal, stop criticizing yourself. Leary is almost 50 years old and is going to school. You are not an old bitty yet. And you will have a wonderful job where you make enough money to have great clothes and shoes. BUT YOU NEED TO REMEMBER THAT YOU WILL PROBABLY SUFFER HEARTBREAK AT YOUR JOB. Someone will probably stab you in the back because there are not good people in the world. You need to prepare yourself for it now. If you get a job where you are happy, enjoy EACH and EVERY day like you won't be there the next day. YOU BE A GOOD PERSON, EVEN IF YOU COME IN LAST AND LOOSE EVERYTHING. YOU WILL NOT BE A DOG AND YOU WILL NOT BE A BAD PERSON BECAUSE THAT IS NOT YOU.

You are going to start working out and eating better. Guess what Princess, it is not easy but stop making excuses, you are not happy with yourself so you are going to start doing workouts, even if it only a few minutes a day. It will be hard work but you are going to do it. So what if you don't each veggies or a lot of fruits, you are going to do it. You have to do this for yourself. You WILL DO THIS.

You are a lovely person, yes you've made mistakes but those mistakes DO NOT MAKE WHO YOU ARE. LEAVE THEM ALONE. LEAVE THEM IN THE PAST. Yes it hurts but John didn't love you, he lived in a fantasy world. Brise didn't love you, he was also doing the same thing because he was trying to cover up the fact he was outright trash.

You will make friends. It hurts that you lost Stacey but you lost her over a man. A married man she had been seeing for 4 months and is somehow madly in love with him for some strange reason and you did what you asked and then forgot to tell him it was her idea. She is sneaky, she had hurt you before and she will never change. She will always be that kind of person, nasty, backstabbing, evil...all because she doesn't love herself. YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE FRIENDS, GREAT FRIENDS THAT ARE NOT NASTY AND HURTFUL AND WILL NOT TURN ON YOU. It will take a long time, because it takes such a long time to know someone (you and Tori have known each other for a year and she is still a bitch to you...again, she is very territorial). YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY.

YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY, YOU ARE VERY SCARED AND YOU ARE VERY HURT BUT YOU WILL BE A WIFE, YOU WILL BE A MOTHER, AND YOU WILL HAVE IT ALL AGAIN. But instead of waiting 5 years to get engaged and that spark being long gone, you will probably have it much, much soon so you'll get to be in that lovebird mood for several years before things get in that slump, then a nice second honeymoon will do the trick. I see that there being a major bump (because of a slump, no cheating but just the general burnout and I feel like you will reconnect and things are going to be back at lovebird mode).

EVERYTHING WILL HAPPEN, YOU ARE JUST CURRENTLY ON A DETOUR.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO REMIND YOURSELF THAT YOU WILL NOT LET THIS HAPPEN, YOU WILL NOT LET THIS TEAR YOU A PART BECAUSE IT DOESN'T BOTHER HIM HE IS HURTING YOU SO YOU NEED TO LET IT GO. YOU WILL NOT DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY, YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY. YOU WILL.

And that pink bike at walmart as you exited ;)

Have you ever seen someone and wanted their life? Like, to live their life. There are a few people on facebook and when I look at their life through their pictures, I want to be them. Some are popular, skinny and beautiful and have lots of friends. Some are happily married with children. I am jealous of both because I haven't had either. I've never had a lot of friends, for whatever reason, whether it be me or be the fact that the man I was with thought they were all too immature for him to hang around and made them feel uncomfortable and worthless (as I've been told). But I'd rather pass up the opportunity to put blame on him. Then there is the happily married part, after discovering all I've discovered in such a short time, it looks like he had been in love with her for a very long time, I mean...wearing wedding bands less than six months after I left, yeah. There's no way they had been seeing each other just a few months before he told me so apparently our marriage wasn't as happy as I thought. And of course, I don't have a child/ren and the fact that he insisted on us trying to have children got me all in a "mommy mode". I started looking at pregnant ladies and being jealous, because I thought of all the things you get to do with a child, like decorating a nursery, buying all the baby things, feeling the baby move inside you, giving birth to a living, breathing human. I thought about all the 1st; first birthday, first tooth, first time crawling, first steps, first time riding a bike, first day at school, first words, first everything. I imagined what kind of clothes I'd buy for my sweet child, and he played along. Around Christmas time we were at Wal-Mart and he disappeared (for what reason, I can only guess) but he came back with a baby's Christmas dress. It was red and green plaid and had a gold buckle on the waist. It was beautiful and I looked at him and he had this look on his face that was indescribable. Which now I know it was probably because he was imagining HER child in it. He wanted to buy a crib around the same time, we found it marked down and he asked me if I wanted to get it, but I told him if we got it he'd HAVE to put it up because I was already dying to see what it looked like. He even got me to go online and look up reviews. We almost bought that crib. Now I know it was probably him pre-planning the arrival of HER and HER children. Not mine. I can only imagine what he was thinking for so long. I don't understand why he was so nice to me and doing things for me and with me. Even though he said it was because he was trying to convince himself to not hate me anymore, I still don't understand.

After seeing their pictures from their New Orleans trip it has gotten me really messed up. I can't remember things and forget a lot of things. I get so angry with myself because I have time to have imaginary conversations with him, to the questions he asked me in the week after he told me he wanted a divorce (knowing what I know now), preparing for him for the divorce trial (him, his vicious lawyer, and the slew of people he's going to drag up to say just how "amazing" he is). But the truth won't ever be told, even in court he still lied. "My friend's girlfriend" really? Is that why SHE moved in just weeks after I left? Really, is that why HER and HER children are taking pictures inside YOUR house? Really, that's why YOU and HER are in the same hotel? With you holding her flowers you had sent to the room? With pictures SHE took of YOU and you can she HER in your sunglasses sitting in the truck with you? Yes...your friend's girlfriend.

But it feels like something has snapped, like for good. I feel really messed up. Seeing her engagement ring and her wedding band, seeing the flowers he gave her, seeing the stripper shoes he bought her, seeing her pose in her nightgown with cellulite and fat rolls and huge ugly tattoos on her back. Seeing her halter top dress with saggy boobs, mismatched flip flops, skank fake nails, and holding a Krystal's cup in front of a fountain? I don't understand. Why couldn't I make him happy? What is she doing that I couldn't do? Why does he love her so much? Why did he take her to where we use to go all the time, to where he took me for MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY? Why is he buying her the same drinks he and I drank? Why is he taking her to the same stores we use to go to? Why does her engagement ring look like mine and SHE still got a better wedding band? I settled for a regular $20 one because the $800 had the likelihood of not being ready in time for our wedding. Why is she so much better and she has BAGGAGE!!!! But the second child could be his, even though her ex-husband is in the pictures when she was born. My ex had been working at the truckstop for 2 years and my mother is convinced she was the reason he started working there at all. That meant before all our problems, he was seeing her. Before all the drama that was all "my fault" he was seeing her.

So what happened all of sudden for him to be like "I'm done with you". What changed? He called me the night before I found out he wanted a divorce and he chatted up a storm. What changed? What happened? Why is he trying to cover up he has a full blown relationship? Geeze, she's friends with his whole family on facebook, and he hers. Like everyone is too stupid to see what is going on?! Are we all that fucking stupid?!!

I feel like my dreams are all gone. My home (that I picked out) is now HERS and HER children's. All the things he could never do for me I'm sure he's doing for her. I just don't understand. I don't know how to feel anymore because when I even think about meeting someone new it scares the shit out of me! All these questions fly through my head like "what if this all falls apart like last time" and yadda yadda yadda (you get the idea). I just hope, even though God and I aren't the closest, that if I meet someone that is suppose to be the real ONE, I hope it hits me in the face like a baseball bat. I want to know right away. I want to be like, yes I will marry you and I've known you 32 seconds but I KNOW this is it. How stupid is that? I just feel like my whole soul has been ripped out, I never imagined in 100 years he could do this to me. I was so in love with him, I would have done anything for him. Now he's happy, well...THEY are happy and I'm alone. Even though I made mistakes I don't feel that he had the right to do the same things 'just because' but apparently he is trash and hangs out with the trashy kind so I guess that's that. I am so nervous about our divorce hearing that I am almost sick, and it's 2 months away. I know I won't get anything because his lawyer is a snake. I have never been so scared of anything in my life. I hope that I can get myself together before then.

< / 3

Brise <3's Beth
John <3's Holley

Breanna Lenora/Kameron Terry is in Heaven.

Brandie is alone. Brise's mother posted on FaceBook he is as happy as she's ever seen in his adult life.

I found out that the problem was me. It is me. I thought I was a good wife. No one told me I was, I just assumed I was. I need to realize that I was not. That I will never be good enough. I wasn't good enough for John, he always said his choice would be Holley, so he chose that over me and the baby. Brise didn't love me, apparently I was awful. Apparently he was miserable and unhappy.

Now they are all happy. Because Brandie is out of the picture. Why don't I have the guts to take me out of the picture? Why can't I just crash my car into a tree or into a cement interstate exit divider? I don't want to hurt anymore but I still do this to myself. I know that I am not worth anyone's love and I will never be good enough for anyone, it has been proven twice already.

Why am I still here? I don't want to be here. I don't want to hurt. I hurt everyday. I cry everyday. May 31st would have been 11 years. I slept most of the day, went to work, and then left a few hours later. I couldn't stop crying and didn't want them all to see. He is finally free after almost 11 years. The home I picked out is now hers, the room I had dreamed of being our nursery is now filled with her children and her children's belongings. The back yard I always imagined our little children playing in now has a pool for her children to swim in. The man who I couldn't wait to get home every night now lays beside her, he wakes up to her every morning and comes home to her every night. This goes for both of them. They are both living a happy life because I am out of it.

I pass by his house, only to see her car in the driveway. I pass by his work only to see his work trucks and remember that I use to ride with him on calls. All the time and effort I put into it, wasted. But at least they are happy. At least they can all be happy now.