This is how it is going to be.

You're going to stop doing this to yourself because you're suffering because you choose to; pain is inevitable, suffering is not. You are not going to do this to yourself because you are finally waking up, the pain seared you into complete shock and numbness. You are now understanding what has gone on and you are becoming angry. You didn't get to take everything you wanted and you're mad because you want the things that were very dear to you. You want them because you had to pull teeth to get them because he controlled your every move when you were on his time. He didn't like you spending any money on anything that made you happy at all although you worked, did everything that he asked, you went out of your way for him, and followed his every direction. He did not want you spending a dime, you felt bad for buying yourself lunch and gas, but yet he could not pay his bills. He lied to you, he said he could start making the bank deposits and you thought he was a big boy now, you thought he was responsible and you were proud of him. Yes, his shocking new responsibility of money management came because he was hiding money from you. You make sure you never forget he only deposited $300 for 2 weeks worth of work before Christmas. Do not forget the weekends you went out and he said "Want some icecream?!" And you sat outside and talked to each other and thought everything was fine and you talked on and on with each other. Do not forget you were not the one that wanted a child with him until what happened with you and John. He came home in January (early) and talked about starting to have a child. Do not forget that you said "I just need you to tell me really simply, "I want us to start trying for a child if that is what we're doing. I know you are telling me but I just can't believe it"". Do not forget he repeated it to you, do not forget you told him over and over and over again that you didn't think y'all were ready, you wanted to finish school and pay off the bills and his debts and he told you "Well I understand that but I'm ready for a family and I know you want to go back to school but it has taken us this long so I don't see why we can't do both" (he said this has you were coming over the bridge on Jeff Hamilton Rd, you were driving). Do not forget he knew when the "right times" were. Do not forget he got upset because the anniversary present was not a positive pregnancy test. Do not forget he got excited only 4 days before he told you that he wanted a divorce because he saw the diaper wreath on the wall. Do not forget that he bought that Christmas jumper 3 weeks before he told you he wanted a divorce. Do not forget that when you took pictures of the Pontiac car he joked that now you would have 2 cars so yall could try for two sets of tiplets (he was locking the gate at the shop and he was laughing with you as you said "Oh no!" and said "You can put them in your truck!" as you pointed at his pickup as you were backing out of the gate). Do not forget he took you to Babies R Us and took pictures of you as y'all picked out stollers and he felt the organic cotton and remarked how soft it was before he knew it was organic cotton (because you wanted to do all organic items--as much as possible--in the baby's room). Do not forget that you looked at baby room items and he remarked that y'all could buy the whole set with the money you two had in the bank at that time. Do not forget the crib he wanted to buy at Christmas time when y'all were shopping (although you know that was probably in preparation for her child). Do not forget the "Daddy's Princess" jumper he got for you in September when you got a BFN and you were so sad.

Brandie, you are not crazy. He is going to blame you and say you were baby crazy. YOU WERE NOT BABY CRAZY. HE LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE THAT HE WANTED A FAMILY ***WITH YOU*** You peed on sticks all the time, you took creams and pills and ate all kind of foods and he made you feel something was wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you, you have a regular period, you ovulate regularly and you have been pregnant before and had no complications from what you had to go through.

YOU NEED TO REMEMBER THAT THIS IS NOT HURTING HIM. HE HAS NO PROBLEM LOVING ANOTHER WOMAN AND ANOTHER WOMAN'S CHILDREN. AFTER 11 YEARS, HE HAS NO PROBLEM CALLING HER NAME, TALKING TO HER, HOLDING HER CHILDREN AND BEING A 'DADDY'.

Brandie, you are too good of a person, you have so much potential and you need to tell yourself everyday that this isn't going to happen, you are not going to be ruined by what he did. You loved him but he has never loved you the same (look in the pink and green diary). You gave more than you had to, way too soon. He was wrong and you feel like it was your fault because somehow if you wore makeup all the time, fixed your hair 24/7 and wore matching pajamas he would somehow love you more. He wouldn't. He wanted the opposite of you. Do not forget your heart racing for the unearthly slow minutes when Jaki was sending you the pictures of her PI work, how you thought Barbie was going to be on the backporch in an apron. You thought she was going to be tall, slender, wearing a sundress, pearls and heels, with pink lips. You thought that it was going to be Faith Hill from the Stepford Wives. You thought it was going to be Bre on Desperate Housewives but with blonde hair. What did you get? Ashley, Beth's friend, with nasty self dyed red hair, no makeup, weird glasses, and a sleeveless black "Rock" t-shirt. What have you seen since then? That Beth is trash, you know she is, it is flowing outward from the pictures. You knew his whole family was trash all along, you know that he was going to do this, you just finally trusted him. YOU WERE NOT AN IDIOT, YOU TRUSTED HIM.

What is going to happen now that you are waking up is to understand you will not get anything more from this divorce, although you hope you will get each and everything you ask for, you need to go ahead and pre-accept that you will get nothing. REMEMBER YOU DID NOT TAKE ANYTHING THAT WASN'T RIGHTFULLY YOURS. YOU DID NOT DAMAGE HIS HOME OR HIS VEHICLE. YOU TOOK YOUR THINGS AND THINGS THAT YOU NEEDED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE SAFETY NET LIKE HE HAD ALREADY SET UP FOR HIMSELF. He is going to claim you took everything he owned (do not forget he already has a flat screen, PS3 that are James', and that he is using your carseat to haul around her child.) Once you accept that you won't get anything more, make peace with it.

At this time you are looking to decorate your new place. It doesn't matter that is isn't a big house, or a house for that matter. It is going to be a place you are going to learn to be yourself, and be ok, and a place where you leave the pain behind. You need to get excited that you have something to decorate :P . You will have YOUR THINGS. Yes, you will be alone. That is scary for you because it is nice when you had someone to come home to, someone to cook for, and someone to watch t.v. with but NEVER FORGET AS LONG AS YOU LIVE he was more dedicate to his work than his marriage and he was hardly ever home.

You are going to go back to school. It is not a fairy tale, it is not a fantasy. You are going to do it and pay for it yourself. The job situation will change and everything WILL workout and you ARE going to be sitting at USA in a classroom again with a binder, book, pens and in a room full of people who have no idea the drama you have been through. You will be cussing where you have to park and how far you have to walk and you are going to be so very excited. YOU TOOK TIME TO GET MARRIED AND PLAY HOUSE, THEN GROW UP, GET DIVORCED AND MOVE ON. It was a diversion on what you were suppose to do. It's not a big deal, stop criticizing yourself. Leary is almost 50 years old and is going to school. You are not an old bitty yet. And you will have a wonderful job where you make enough money to have great clothes and shoes. BUT YOU NEED TO REMEMBER THAT YOU WILL PROBABLY SUFFER HEARTBREAK AT YOUR JOB. Someone will probably stab you in the back because there are not good people in the world. You need to prepare yourself for it now. If you get a job where you are happy, enjoy EACH and EVERY day like you won't be there the next day. YOU BE A GOOD PERSON, EVEN IF YOU COME IN LAST AND LOOSE EVERYTHING. YOU WILL NOT BE A DOG AND YOU WILL NOT BE A BAD PERSON BECAUSE THAT IS NOT YOU.

You are going to start working out and eating better. Guess what Princess, it is not easy but stop making excuses, you are not happy with yourself so you are going to start doing workouts, even if it only a few minutes a day. It will be hard work but you are going to do it. So what if you don't each veggies or a lot of fruits, you are going to do it. You have to do this for yourself. You WILL DO THIS.

You are a lovely person, yes you've made mistakes but those mistakes DO NOT MAKE WHO YOU ARE. LEAVE THEM ALONE. LEAVE THEM IN THE PAST. Yes it hurts but John didn't love you, he lived in a fantasy world. Brise didn't love you, he was also doing the same thing because he was trying to cover up the fact he was outright trash.

You will make friends. It hurts that you lost Stacey but you lost her over a man. A married man she had been seeing for 4 months and is somehow madly in love with him for some strange reason and you did what you asked and then forgot to tell him it was her idea. She is sneaky, she had hurt you before and she will never change. She will always be that kind of person, nasty, backstabbing, evil...all because she doesn't love herself. YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE FRIENDS, GREAT FRIENDS THAT ARE NOT NASTY AND HURTFUL AND WILL NOT TURN ON YOU. It will take a long time, because it takes such a long time to know someone (you and Tori have known each other for a year and she is still a bitch to you...again, she is very territorial). YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY.

YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY, YOU ARE VERY SCARED AND YOU ARE VERY HURT BUT YOU WILL BE A WIFE, YOU WILL BE A MOTHER, AND YOU WILL HAVE IT ALL AGAIN. But instead of waiting 5 years to get engaged and that spark being long gone, you will probably have it much, much soon so you'll get to be in that lovebird mood for several years before things get in that slump, then a nice second honeymoon will do the trick. I see that there being a major bump (because of a slump, no cheating but just the general burnout and I feel like you will reconnect and things are going to be back at lovebird mode).

EVERYTHING WILL HAPPEN, YOU ARE JUST CURRENTLY ON A DETOUR.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO REMIND YOURSELF THAT YOU WILL NOT LET THIS HAPPEN, YOU WILL NOT LET THIS TEAR YOU A PART BECAUSE IT DOESN'T BOTHER HIM HE IS HURTING YOU SO YOU NEED TO LET IT GO. YOU WILL NOT DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY, YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY. YOU WILL.

And that pink bike at walmart as you exited ;)