Have you ever seen someone and wanted their life? Like, to live their life. There are a few people on facebook and when I look at their life through their pictures, I want to be them. Some are popular, skinny and beautiful and have lots of friends. Some are happily married with children. I am jealous of both because I haven't had either. I've never had a lot of friends, for whatever reason, whether it be me or be the fact that the man I was with thought they were all too immature for him to hang around and made them feel uncomfortable and worthless (as I've been told). But I'd rather pass up the opportunity to put blame on him. Then there is the happily married part, after discovering all I've discovered in such a short time, it looks like he had been in love with her for a very long time, I mean...wearing wedding bands less than six months after I left, yeah. There's no way they had been seeing each other just a few months before he told me so apparently our marriage wasn't as happy as I thought. And of course, I don't have a child/ren and the fact that he insisted on us trying to have children got me all in a "mommy mode". I started looking at pregnant ladies and being jealous, because I thought of all the things you get to do with a child, like decorating a nursery, buying all the baby things, feeling the baby move inside you, giving birth to a living, breathing human. I thought about all the 1st; first birthday, first tooth, first time crawling, first steps, first time riding a bike, first day at school, first words, first everything. I imagined what kind of clothes I'd buy for my sweet child, and he played along. Around Christmas time we were at Wal-Mart and he disappeared (for what reason, I can only guess) but he came back with a baby's Christmas dress. It was red and green plaid and had a gold buckle on the waist. It was beautiful and I looked at him and he had this look on his face that was indescribable. Which now I know it was probably because he was imagining HER child in it. He wanted to buy a crib around the same time, we found it marked down and he asked me if I wanted to get it, but I told him if we got it he'd HAVE to put it up because I was already dying to see what it looked like. He even got me to go online and look up reviews. We almost bought that crib. Now I know it was probably him pre-planning the arrival of HER and HER children. Not mine. I can only imagine what he was thinking for so long. I don't understand why he was so nice to me and doing things for me and with me. Even though he said it was because he was trying to convince himself to not hate me anymore, I still don't understand.

After seeing their pictures from their New Orleans trip it has gotten me really messed up. I can't remember things and forget a lot of things. I get so angry with myself because I have time to have imaginary conversations with him, to the questions he asked me in the week after he told me he wanted a divorce (knowing what I know now), preparing for him for the divorce trial (him, his vicious lawyer, and the slew of people he's going to drag up to say just how "amazing" he is). But the truth won't ever be told, even in court he still lied. "My friend's girlfriend" really? Is that why SHE moved in just weeks after I left? Really, is that why HER and HER children are taking pictures inside YOUR house? Really, that's why YOU and HER are in the same hotel? With you holding her flowers you had sent to the room? With pictures SHE took of YOU and you can she HER in your sunglasses sitting in the truck with you? Yes...your friend's girlfriend.

But it feels like something has snapped, like for good. I feel really messed up. Seeing her engagement ring and her wedding band, seeing the flowers he gave her, seeing the stripper shoes he bought her, seeing her pose in her nightgown with cellulite and fat rolls and huge ugly tattoos on her back. Seeing her halter top dress with saggy boobs, mismatched flip flops, skank fake nails, and holding a Krystal's cup in front of a fountain? I don't understand. Why couldn't I make him happy? What is she doing that I couldn't do? Why does he love her so much? Why did he take her to where we use to go all the time, to where he took me for MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY? Why is he buying her the same drinks he and I drank? Why is he taking her to the same stores we use to go to? Why does her engagement ring look like mine and SHE still got a better wedding band? I settled for a regular $20 one because the $800 had the likelihood of not being ready in time for our wedding. Why is she so much better and she has BAGGAGE!!!! But the second child could be his, even though her ex-husband is in the pictures when she was born. My ex had been working at the truckstop for 2 years and my mother is convinced she was the reason he started working there at all. That meant before all our problems, he was seeing her. Before all the drama that was all "my fault" he was seeing her.

So what happened all of sudden for him to be like "I'm done with you". What changed? He called me the night before I found out he wanted a divorce and he chatted up a storm. What changed? What happened? Why is he trying to cover up he has a full blown relationship? Geeze, she's friends with his whole family on facebook, and he hers. Like everyone is too stupid to see what is going on?! Are we all that fucking stupid?!!

I feel like my dreams are all gone. My home (that I picked out) is now HERS and HER children's. All the things he could never do for me I'm sure he's doing for her. I just don't understand. I don't know how to feel anymore because when I even think about meeting someone new it scares the shit out of me! All these questions fly through my head like "what if this all falls apart like last time" and yadda yadda yadda (you get the idea). I just hope, even though God and I aren't the closest, that if I meet someone that is suppose to be the real ONE, I hope it hits me in the face like a baseball bat. I want to know right away. I want to be like, yes I will marry you and I've known you 32 seconds but I KNOW this is it. How stupid is that? I just feel like my whole soul has been ripped out, I never imagined in 100 years he could do this to me. I was so in love with him, I would have done anything for him. Now he's happy, well...THEY are happy and I'm alone. Even though I made mistakes I don't feel that he had the right to do the same things 'just because' but apparently he is trash and hangs out with the trashy kind so I guess that's that. I am so nervous about our divorce hearing that I am almost sick, and it's 2 months away. I know I won't get anything because his lawyer is a snake. I have never been so scared of anything in my life. I hope that I can get myself together before then.