House

House was his favorite show. We use to watch it together all the time, when it came on t.v. and we would even watch the season episodes over and over again at night. He would scratch my back and rub my back while we watched House.

It has taken me 7 months to watch the show. It is just one more thing that makes me realize all these things aren't him. I thought all I would do when I watched the show was cry & think about him. But I don't think I've cried, although I do think about him because they are reruns and we watched them together.

Isn't that crazy? Not watching a t.v. show for 7 months because it was his favorite? It is so weird how such tiny, tiny, tiny things feel like a milestone.

Fourth of July

It was very hard not being with you today. It seemed very strange and a little lonely and I don't know why. All I use to do with you on the Fourth of July was have a strong yearning for you to want to take me to see a nice fireworks show. Last year and the year before we went to the water park but now I look back on it and know it was because I always did the planning, I was lucky if you got an idea to do something...then I had to do all the work.

That is something I realized. The yearning. Yearning for you to love me, yearning for you to want to do things for me, the yearning for you to want to do things for me, the constant yearning. It was like a pain in my stomach, it felt like my soul was screaming for you & you couldn't hear it, like my soul was aching.

I have learned that if I had stayed with you I would have done ANYTHING for you to love me. I would have let you kill me. I would have let you tell me how to wear my hair, how to have my nails, what color to paint my toenails, how much I needed to drink, what kind of shoes to wear, what I needed to be doing for you. I loved you so very much that I let you control every aspect of our life down to where our children would go to school and we didn't even have children, even what they would be named, and I thought that getting to name the child if we had a girl was a victory. That I let you get away with being a jerk to me and to my family and to all my friends and I would have continued to let you because I loved you more.

I still can't believe you let your (soon to be) new wife have tacky long fake fingernails, and in really loud tacky colors like Barney purple. I remember last year you got mad at the way my toenails were painted because you called them sloppy. I actually went to Wal-mart & removed the polish in the bathroom and then went to a nail salon to get them painted. It is so strange how you never would say "You can't do ________" but I already knew. It is because you would say things like "You don't need to get your hair cut too short." or "She's getting a little short with your hair" or if I had a drink when I got home you would come in and look at the bottle and see some gone & say "Oh I see you're drinking again" (but it was ok for you to drink and drive when you were hanging out with your "friends" behind my back, it was ok for you to drink and drive, it was ok for you to have all these people I didn't know as friends and hang out with them but I couldn't). It was so strange how you would say I could go see my friends and when it came time you wouldn't let me, but you wouldn't say "NO YOU CAN'T" you would just throw a fit and make me feel like shit. How you would remark on shoes I liked in the store as "trashy" or "slutty" but it is ok for your (soon to be) new wife to buy her shoes at the Hustler store...where they sell REAL STRIPPER SHOES!!

I was so stupid to think that you had Holly Housewife Barbie to replace me. I thought it was going to be someone tall, skinny, long blonde hair, blue eyes, and Barbie pink lips with a monogrammed apron. Then I saw the pictures your new wife was posting, and I realized that I was the one that actually owned the monogrammed apron and the pink Kitchenaid mixer. I still blame myself but I know I can't be her, I can see she is really trash and that is even harder to take because I never knew you as this trashy person. I thought you were so much better than that, you made fun of women like her and even had a shirt from the Hustler store with a stripper on the back that said "I support single moms"...that was she is, even though I already know she or her husband hasn't filed for divorce...he's not in the picture and here you are taking care of someone else's children. But the really sad part is, you had been working this part time job with her before I ever cheated, and even before I cheated I told you I wanted a divorce & you told me no. You told me I could put up with the way things are or get out but you were not going to get divorced.

It was the only thing I ever trusted you with and I would have spent my entire life in a loveless marriage, alone. Because you never had time for me & you were always working (because you had a whole other life I had no idea about) & you would have kept telling me we needed to have a baby so that when we did get divorced you could control my life for 25 more years so we could argue about where's my child support check every month & I would have worried for each and every holiday how long I would have had my child & I would have had to hear your name come out of my children's mouths & hear HER name and have HER in their life. I would have shot myself. I know I would have. People tell me that is what you wanted, to be able to have control over my life like that the way your dad did it to your mom, and being with you for 11 years I knew that she bitched about child support EVERY SINGLE MONTH because he paid it when he felt like paying it and because they settled out of court she already knew if she went through the court system she wouldn't get as much money out of him because he used her. I tell people that is impossible, no one would really think like this. I don't see how you would have won, you would have never been rid of me but people tell me that people do think like that. It makes me sick to my stomach that you would have put me through that but you don't really want to get this all over with. That is why you won't agree out of court for a divorce--you want it to go to trial so you can call forward your witnesses of how awful I was & all the things I did to be such a terrible wife (even though your grounds for divorce are irreconcilable differences). That is why you are appealing your domestic violence case, because you just want to be right even though you lied. You lied on me, you lied on the police and you had the audacity to bring up who I was friends with on Facebook but you and your new wife are already taking vacations together and you have already bought her an engagement ring AND a WEDDING BAND (yeah. I saw those pictures she posted).

As I wake up from the coma I've been in for almost 7 months I am sadly starting to realize I don't miss you or even love you. I miss the man I thought you were. I still love the man I thought you were. But you aren't him anymore. You weren't him then, you were trying to be something you couldn't be & the person you are now is trash & it is kind of sad to see but I know how happy you are. You don't have to do a whole lot anymore and unlike the days of our petty arguments like when the garbage was overflowing and I begged you to take the garbage & got upset when you wouldn't take it for 4 days, you have someone that won't nag you about that. Because she doesn't care if you take the garbage or don't. She doesn't care if garbage is piling up on the floor or not. She's sleeping on the same sheets I slept on, laying her head on the same pillow I laid on (yeah, saw the pictures she posted of her and her friend laying in your bed...glad you still like the Ralph Lauren pillows my mother bought us for Christmas). She doesn't mind that my things were still everywhere in that house since I only had 12 hours to get all my belongings and leave before you got out of jail. It doesn't bother her in the least to pose in front of my butterfly windchime in the kitchen, that you bought me on our honeymoon. And it doesn't bother you because you are a monster.

And sadly, I would have never left. I would have had the yearning for the rest of my life. That hope that you were going to do something, anything, to just be a part of our marriage. I would have continued to stay and be abused, hurt, lied to, laughed at, deceived and made a fool of--all for you to love me. And I am stupid enough to think that I would go back. I am stupid enough to think was all of that worth it to stand beside someone and watch fireworks? I know it isn't fun without you but maybe it is because I am selfish since I loved you so very much & wanted us to be happy. Deep down inside it always felt right to me, like you really were the one who had my heart and I feel like a huge part of me is gone. I feel like a huge part of me is dead but somehow I know this is how it has to be, no matter how bad it hurts.

This is how it is going to be.

You're going to stop doing this to yourself because you're suffering because you choose to; pain is inevitable, suffering is not. You are not going to do this to yourself because you are finally waking up, the pain seared you into complete shock and numbness. You are now understanding what has gone on and you are becoming angry. You didn't get to take everything you wanted and you're mad because you want the things that were very dear to you. You want them because you had to pull teeth to get them because he controlled your every move when you were on his time. He didn't like you spending any money on anything that made you happy at all although you worked, did everything that he asked, you went out of your way for him, and followed his every direction. He did not want you spending a dime, you felt bad for buying yourself lunch and gas, but yet he could not pay his bills. He lied to you, he said he could start making the bank deposits and you thought he was a big boy now, you thought he was responsible and you were proud of him. Yes, his shocking new responsibility of money management came because he was hiding money from you. You make sure you never forget he only deposited $300 for 2 weeks worth of work before Christmas. Do not forget the weekends you went out and he said "Want some icecream?!" And you sat outside and talked to each other and thought everything was fine and you talked on and on with each other. Do not forget you were not the one that wanted a child with him until what happened with you and John. He came home in January (early) and talked about starting to have a child. Do not forget that you said "I just need you to tell me really simply, "I want us to start trying for a child if that is what we're doing. I know you are telling me but I just can't believe it"". Do not forget he repeated it to you, do not forget you told him over and over and over again that you didn't think y'all were ready, you wanted to finish school and pay off the bills and his debts and he told you "Well I understand that but I'm ready for a family and I know you want to go back to school but it has taken us this long so I don't see why we can't do both" (he said this has you were coming over the bridge on Jeff Hamilton Rd, you were driving). Do not forget he knew when the "right times" were. Do not forget he got upset because the anniversary present was not a positive pregnancy test. Do not forget he got excited only 4 days before he told you that he wanted a divorce because he saw the diaper wreath on the wall. Do not forget that he bought that Christmas jumper 3 weeks before he told you he wanted a divorce. Do not forget that when you took pictures of the Pontiac car he joked that now you would have 2 cars so yall could try for two sets of tiplets (he was locking the gate at the shop and he was laughing with you as you said "Oh no!" and said "You can put them in your truck!" as you pointed at his pickup as you were backing out of the gate). Do not forget he took you to Babies R Us and took pictures of you as y'all picked out stollers and he felt the organic cotton and remarked how soft it was before he knew it was organic cotton (because you wanted to do all organic items--as much as possible--in the baby's room). Do not forget that you looked at baby room items and he remarked that y'all could buy the whole set with the money you two had in the bank at that time. Do not forget the crib he wanted to buy at Christmas time when y'all were shopping (although you know that was probably in preparation for her child). Do not forget the "Daddy's Princess" jumper he got for you in September when you got a BFN and you were so sad.

Brandie, you are not crazy. He is going to blame you and say you were baby crazy. YOU WERE NOT BABY CRAZY. HE LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE THAT HE WANTED A FAMILY ***WITH YOU*** You peed on sticks all the time, you took creams and pills and ate all kind of foods and he made you feel something was wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you, you have a regular period, you ovulate regularly and you have been pregnant before and had no complications from what you had to go through.

YOU NEED TO REMEMBER THAT THIS IS NOT HURTING HIM. HE HAS NO PROBLEM LOVING ANOTHER WOMAN AND ANOTHER WOMAN'S CHILDREN. AFTER 11 YEARS, HE HAS NO PROBLEM CALLING HER NAME, TALKING TO HER, HOLDING HER CHILDREN AND BEING A 'DADDY'.

Brandie, you are too good of a person, you have so much potential and you need to tell yourself everyday that this isn't going to happen, you are not going to be ruined by what he did. You loved him but he has never loved you the same (look in the pink and green diary). You gave more than you had to, way too soon. He was wrong and you feel like it was your fault because somehow if you wore makeup all the time, fixed your hair 24/7 and wore matching pajamas he would somehow love you more. He wouldn't. He wanted the opposite of you. Do not forget your heart racing for the unearthly slow minutes when Jaki was sending you the pictures of her PI work, how you thought Barbie was going to be on the backporch in an apron. You thought she was going to be tall, slender, wearing a sundress, pearls and heels, with pink lips. You thought that it was going to be Faith Hill from the Stepford Wives. You thought it was going to be Bre on Desperate Housewives but with blonde hair. What did you get? Ashley, Beth's friend, with nasty self dyed red hair, no makeup, weird glasses, and a sleeveless black "Rock" t-shirt. What have you seen since then? That Beth is trash, you know she is, it is flowing outward from the pictures. You knew his whole family was trash all along, you know that he was going to do this, you just finally trusted him. YOU WERE NOT AN IDIOT, YOU TRUSTED HIM.

What is going to happen now that you are waking up is to understand you will not get anything more from this divorce, although you hope you will get each and everything you ask for, you need to go ahead and pre-accept that you will get nothing. REMEMBER YOU DID NOT TAKE ANYTHING THAT WASN'T RIGHTFULLY YOURS. YOU DID NOT DAMAGE HIS HOME OR HIS VEHICLE. YOU TOOK YOUR THINGS AND THINGS THAT YOU NEEDED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE SAFETY NET LIKE HE HAD ALREADY SET UP FOR HIMSELF. He is going to claim you took everything he owned (do not forget he already has a flat screen, PS3 that are James', and that he is using your carseat to haul around her child.) Once you accept that you won't get anything more, make peace with it.

At this time you are looking to decorate your new place. It doesn't matter that is isn't a big house, or a house for that matter. It is going to be a place you are going to learn to be yourself, and be ok, and a place where you leave the pain behind. You need to get excited that you have something to decorate :P . You will have YOUR THINGS. Yes, you will be alone. That is scary for you because it is nice when you had someone to come home to, someone to cook for, and someone to watch t.v. with but NEVER FORGET AS LONG AS YOU LIVE he was more dedicate to his work than his marriage and he was hardly ever home.

You are going to go back to school. It is not a fairy tale, it is not a fantasy. You are going to do it and pay for it yourself. The job situation will change and everything WILL workout and you ARE going to be sitting at USA in a classroom again with a binder, book, pens and in a room full of people who have no idea the drama you have been through. You will be cussing where you have to park and how far you have to walk and you are going to be so very excited. YOU TOOK TIME TO GET MARRIED AND PLAY HOUSE, THEN GROW UP, GET DIVORCED AND MOVE ON. It was a diversion on what you were suppose to do. It's not a big deal, stop criticizing yourself. Leary is almost 50 years old and is going to school. You are not an old bitty yet. And you will have a wonderful job where you make enough money to have great clothes and shoes. BUT YOU NEED TO REMEMBER THAT YOU WILL PROBABLY SUFFER HEARTBREAK AT YOUR JOB. Someone will probably stab you in the back because there are not good people in the world. You need to prepare yourself for it now. If you get a job where you are happy, enjoy EACH and EVERY day like you won't be there the next day. YOU BE A GOOD PERSON, EVEN IF YOU COME IN LAST AND LOOSE EVERYTHING. YOU WILL NOT BE A DOG AND YOU WILL NOT BE A BAD PERSON BECAUSE THAT IS NOT YOU.

You are going to start working out and eating better. Guess what Princess, it is not easy but stop making excuses, you are not happy with yourself so you are going to start doing workouts, even if it only a few minutes a day. It will be hard work but you are going to do it. So what if you don't each veggies or a lot of fruits, you are going to do it. You have to do this for yourself. You WILL DO THIS.

You are a lovely person, yes you've made mistakes but those mistakes DO NOT MAKE WHO YOU ARE. LEAVE THEM ALONE. LEAVE THEM IN THE PAST. Yes it hurts but John didn't love you, he lived in a fantasy world. Brise didn't love you, he was also doing the same thing because he was trying to cover up the fact he was outright trash.

You will make friends. It hurts that you lost Stacey but you lost her over a man. A married man she had been seeing for 4 months and is somehow madly in love with him for some strange reason and you did what you asked and then forgot to tell him it was her idea. She is sneaky, she had hurt you before and she will never change. She will always be that kind of person, nasty, backstabbing, evil...all because she doesn't love herself. YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE FRIENDS, GREAT FRIENDS THAT ARE NOT NASTY AND HURTFUL AND WILL NOT TURN ON YOU. It will take a long time, because it takes such a long time to know someone (you and Tori have known each other for a year and she is still a bitch to you...again, she is very territorial). YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY.

YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY, YOU ARE VERY SCARED AND YOU ARE VERY HURT BUT YOU WILL BE A WIFE, YOU WILL BE A MOTHER, AND YOU WILL HAVE IT ALL AGAIN. But instead of waiting 5 years to get engaged and that spark being long gone, you will probably have it much, much soon so you'll get to be in that lovebird mood for several years before things get in that slump, then a nice second honeymoon will do the trick. I see that there being a major bump (because of a slump, no cheating but just the general burnout and I feel like you will reconnect and things are going to be back at lovebird mode).

EVERYTHING WILL HAPPEN, YOU ARE JUST CURRENTLY ON A DETOUR.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO REMIND YOURSELF THAT YOU WILL NOT LET THIS HAPPEN, YOU WILL NOT LET THIS TEAR YOU A PART BECAUSE IT DOESN'T BOTHER HIM HE IS HURTING YOU SO YOU NEED TO LET IT GO. YOU WILL NOT DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY, YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY. YOU WILL.

And that pink bike at walmart as you exited ;)

Have you ever seen someone and wanted their life? Like, to live their life. There are a few people on facebook and when I look at their life through their pictures, I want to be them. Some are popular, skinny and beautiful and have lots of friends. Some are happily married with children. I am jealous of both because I haven't had either. I've never had a lot of friends, for whatever reason, whether it be me or be the fact that the man I was with thought they were all too immature for him to hang around and made them feel uncomfortable and worthless (as I've been told). But I'd rather pass up the opportunity to put blame on him. Then there is the happily married part, after discovering all I've discovered in such a short time, it looks like he had been in love with her for a very long time, I mean...wearing wedding bands less than six months after I left, yeah. There's no way they had been seeing each other just a few months before he told me so apparently our marriage wasn't as happy as I thought. And of course, I don't have a child/ren and the fact that he insisted on us trying to have children got me all in a "mommy mode". I started looking at pregnant ladies and being jealous, because I thought of all the things you get to do with a child, like decorating a nursery, buying all the baby things, feeling the baby move inside you, giving birth to a living, breathing human. I thought about all the 1st; first birthday, first tooth, first time crawling, first steps, first time riding a bike, first day at school, first words, first everything. I imagined what kind of clothes I'd buy for my sweet child, and he played along. Around Christmas time we were at Wal-Mart and he disappeared (for what reason, I can only guess) but he came back with a baby's Christmas dress. It was red and green plaid and had a gold buckle on the waist. It was beautiful and I looked at him and he had this look on his face that was indescribable. Which now I know it was probably because he was imagining HER child in it. He wanted to buy a crib around the same time, we found it marked down and he asked me if I wanted to get it, but I told him if we got it he'd HAVE to put it up because I was already dying to see what it looked like. He even got me to go online and look up reviews. We almost bought that crib. Now I know it was probably him pre-planning the arrival of HER and HER children. Not mine. I can only imagine what he was thinking for so long. I don't understand why he was so nice to me and doing things for me and with me. Even though he said it was because he was trying to convince himself to not hate me anymore, I still don't understand.

After seeing their pictures from their New Orleans trip it has gotten me really messed up. I can't remember things and forget a lot of things. I get so angry with myself because I have time to have imaginary conversations with him, to the questions he asked me in the week after he told me he wanted a divorce (knowing what I know now), preparing for him for the divorce trial (him, his vicious lawyer, and the slew of people he's going to drag up to say just how "amazing" he is). But the truth won't ever be told, even in court he still lied. "My friend's girlfriend" really? Is that why SHE moved in just weeks after I left? Really, is that why HER and HER children are taking pictures inside YOUR house? Really, that's why YOU and HER are in the same hotel? With you holding her flowers you had sent to the room? With pictures SHE took of YOU and you can she HER in your sunglasses sitting in the truck with you? Yes...your friend's girlfriend.

But it feels like something has snapped, like for good. I feel really messed up. Seeing her engagement ring and her wedding band, seeing the flowers he gave her, seeing the stripper shoes he bought her, seeing her pose in her nightgown with cellulite and fat rolls and huge ugly tattoos on her back. Seeing her halter top dress with saggy boobs, mismatched flip flops, skank fake nails, and holding a Krystal's cup in front of a fountain? I don't understand. Why couldn't I make him happy? What is she doing that I couldn't do? Why does he love her so much? Why did he take her to where we use to go all the time, to where he took me for MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY? Why is he buying her the same drinks he and I drank? Why is he taking her to the same stores we use to go to? Why does her engagement ring look like mine and SHE still got a better wedding band? I settled for a regular $20 one because the $800 had the likelihood of not being ready in time for our wedding. Why is she so much better and she has BAGGAGE!!!! But the second child could be his, even though her ex-husband is in the pictures when she was born. My ex had been working at the truckstop for 2 years and my mother is convinced she was the reason he started working there at all. That meant before all our problems, he was seeing her. Before all the drama that was all "my fault" he was seeing her.

So what happened all of sudden for him to be like "I'm done with you". What changed? He called me the night before I found out he wanted a divorce and he chatted up a storm. What changed? What happened? Why is he trying to cover up he has a full blown relationship? Geeze, she's friends with his whole family on facebook, and he hers. Like everyone is too stupid to see what is going on?! Are we all that fucking stupid?!!

I feel like my dreams are all gone. My home (that I picked out) is now HERS and HER children's. All the things he could never do for me I'm sure he's doing for her. I just don't understand. I don't know how to feel anymore because when I even think about meeting someone new it scares the shit out of me! All these questions fly through my head like "what if this all falls apart like last time" and yadda yadda yadda (you get the idea). I just hope, even though God and I aren't the closest, that if I meet someone that is suppose to be the real ONE, I hope it hits me in the face like a baseball bat. I want to know right away. I want to be like, yes I will marry you and I've known you 32 seconds but I KNOW this is it. How stupid is that? I just feel like my whole soul has been ripped out, I never imagined in 100 years he could do this to me. I was so in love with him, I would have done anything for him. Now he's happy, well...THEY are happy and I'm alone. Even though I made mistakes I don't feel that he had the right to do the same things 'just because' but apparently he is trash and hangs out with the trashy kind so I guess that's that. I am so nervous about our divorce hearing that I am almost sick, and it's 2 months away. I know I won't get anything because his lawyer is a snake. I have never been so scared of anything in my life. I hope that I can get myself together before then.

< / 3

Brise <3's Beth
John <3's Holley

Breanna Lenora/Kameron Terry is in Heaven.

Brandie is alone. Brise's mother posted on FaceBook he is as happy as she's ever seen in his adult life.

I found out that the problem was me. It is me. I thought I was a good wife. No one told me I was, I just assumed I was. I need to realize that I was not. That I will never be good enough. I wasn't good enough for John, he always said his choice would be Holley, so he chose that over me and the baby. Brise didn't love me, apparently I was awful. Apparently he was miserable and unhappy.

Now they are all happy. Because Brandie is out of the picture. Why don't I have the guts to take me out of the picture? Why can't I just crash my car into a tree or into a cement interstate exit divider? I don't want to hurt anymore but I still do this to myself. I know that I am not worth anyone's love and I will never be good enough for anyone, it has been proven twice already.

Why am I still here? I don't want to be here. I don't want to hurt. I hurt everyday. I cry everyday. May 31st would have been 11 years. I slept most of the day, went to work, and then left a few hours later. I couldn't stop crying and didn't want them all to see. He is finally free after almost 11 years. The home I picked out is now hers, the room I had dreamed of being our nursery is now filled with her children and her children's belongings. The back yard I always imagined our little children playing in now has a pool for her children to swim in. The man who I couldn't wait to get home every night now lays beside her, he wakes up to her every morning and comes home to her every night. This goes for both of them. They are both living a happy life because I am out of it.

I pass by his house, only to see her car in the driveway. I pass by his work only to see his work trucks and remember that I use to ride with him on calls. All the time and effort I put into it, wasted. But at least they are happy. At least they can all be happy now.

Do I get to be upset?

She's sitting on my back porch. In the chairs I painted, with the Tiki Torches we bought because they were so nice. You're sitting behind my hot tub that my husband and I made love in. My yard looks so very nice, the grass it cut and now the privacy fence is up, the trees are blooming. My yard. But it is filled with her, and her children playing in the pool. When can I be upset? When can I be angry? That was my life, you were my life but you threw it away for something I don't understand. Why was I not enough? Why was what we could have had together not enough? Is it because she is happy with a walmart pool and sitting on the back porch and I wanted to go out and do things? Is it I wouldn't get a nasty arm sized tattoo right on my front arm? Is it because I wasn't skinny enough, since she is just the poster child for anorexia. Why now? Why did you put up the privacy fence? Why don't you chop down my trees in the yard, those were ours. I wanted those trees. You still have my storage building, that's my parents. Not yours. Not your girlfriends.

I can't believe you are being a daddy to someone else's children. You were suppose to be the father of MY children. Those children already have a father. You took everything away. I stood beside you for 11 years and you lied to me, you used me, you treated me like a possession and tossed me aside. I hurt EVERY DAY. I CRY EVERYDAY. What do you do? You sit and eat with your family. FAMILY, not mom and dad like me, your new MRS. and your new children. You have a FAMILY LIFE, a home, a family unit, you help get them bathed, dressed, fed, but to bed and you and Mrs. snuggle together and make love all night. Because I know you do things for her that you wouldn't for me. I know she is everything I'll never be and could never be.

I hated you today. I went to see grandma and grandpa today & they already knew about the divorce but it isn't fair because I sat crying because grandma had an episode because she fell at the nursing home and has 2 broken vertebrae in her back and she said she saw candy on the ceiling, taffy exactly. And now all grandpa wants to do is color so we brought him lots of colors. The family has began to fight over everything, it has been going on for weeks and in the midst of it someone actually broke in (through a window no less) to help himself. You were there when I needed to be held tonight when my grandmother had to be seen again by the nurse. You weren't there to hold my hand to see my 70 year old grandfather color a picture of Cinderella. You were at home, with you daughters and your new wife enjoying the weekend. I never imagined living life would hurt this much. I don't want to live anymore. This is too much. Even if I didn't see the pictures myself I would still know you're life is great so what does it matter?

So Stupid

So I quit using this blog for a while. I though, oh boy, I'm "moving forward". I even made another blog to be positive, I named it "Becoming Brandie" as a journey forward. To put all my positive things there, to get to record all the things I'll get to do in my life.

But I look at their facebooks and that stupid photobucket account every day. I hate it!!!!!!! I hate myself for looking!!!!! Because I HATE SEEING HER FACE!!! I HATE SEEING HER CHILDREN'S FACE ON HIS PHOTOBUCKET!!!!!! I HATE IT, I HATE, I HATE IT, I HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE NOT KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!!!!! Every time I see a picture of her or her friends (Ashley or Kasie) in his house I zoom in, I look in the background and I swear to God everytime I do I notice a new piece of the puzzle. Like this picture of her daughter, and in the background is a collage picture frame with a bunch of photos. (First off, THAT WAS MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE SORRY BITCH USED *****my***** PICTURE FRAME!!!!!) But the point is that there looks like there is a picture of him sitting in his pickup truck. It makes me think she took it while they were working together because I've never seen it. She may have taken it after I left but it makes me think, where was HE AND HER AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME THAT SHE WAS TAKING PICTURES OF HIM?! Even though I know they were having an affair I think these crazy thoughts. Crazy!!! Like, um...they were sleeping together and hanging out together and talking and you're surprised she took a picture of him?

IT WAS MY LIFE!!!!!!!!! MINNNNNEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's so in love with his work, his job. But I rode in those trucks, MEEE!!! MY ASS HAS BEEN IN THEM!!!! I HELPED HIM BUILD THESE TRUCKS AND WORK ON THEM!!!!!!!!! I was a part of his life and his family for 10 FUCKING YEARS AND I WAS REPLACED!!!!! LIKE A BAD LIGHT BULB!!!!

He told me he wanted all this stuff with me but he had already planned to move her in, and her CHILDREN!!! HE TOLD ME HE WANTED A CHILD WITH ME!!!! HE WANTED TO TRY TO HAVE A BABY AND NOW THEY ARE ALL LIVING THERE!!!!! MMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY LIFE!!!! IT WAS MMMMMMIIIIIINNNNNNNEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Now I'm not saying it is all her fault because I know it isn't but I feel like she was a vulture in a way. I see the pictures of where she came from and I can see where she would be like, hmmm....this is nicer than I've ever had or ever have so let me see if this will work. But him! It was his fault, he did it. He did. HE DID NOT LOVE ME ENOUGH!!!!!!!! I know I had an affair but I felt like shit, let me repeat.....LIKE FUCKING SHIT. I still loved him, and I told him everything and he asked me to stay and for almost 2 years he acted like everything was fine and he was doing all this stuff for me and being who he had always been.

But he lied!!! He loved HER! HE WANTED HER, HE DID NOT WANT ME. HE DOES NOT LOVE ME AND DOES NOT WANT ME AND HE NEVER WILL. WHAT I HAD IS GONE!!!! I AM ALONE, AND HE IS WITH HER AND HER children. THEY ARE A HAPPY LITTLE FAMILY.

IN A BED I LAID IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN A HOME ****I***** PICKED OUT. WITH THE DECORATIONS I PUT ON THE WALL. WITH MY BELONGINGS IN THE BACKGROUND.



I want to be over it. I want to find someone else to love, I want someone else to love me but there is just these "ehhh" feeling when it comes to that. There is no spark, there is no flame. The only think I won't do is meet up and fuck these people online that are talking to me. I want more than that but why even bother? What does it matter? No one loves me (like a man and woman love) of course my parents love me but they are my parents and I'm their only child.

In life I am a failure. I have a job that doesn't require more than a high school diploma, I don't have good credit, I didn't finish college, I'm overweight, ugly with zits on my face and my scalp has something wrong with it (I think it is psoriasis) so I'm all ugly, I don't own anything, and going through divorce. I'm a fucking loser. So what do I do?

I LOOOK AT THEM ONLINE!!!! I KEEP LOOKING AT HER FUCKING FACE!!!!!!!!! I'M SO SICK!!!! IT'S BEEN ALMOST 6 MONTHS AND I'M STILL SICK!!!!!! IT STILL FEELS LIKE A KNIFE IN MY CHEST!!!!!!!

Now I am getting mad at him, because I almost thought about starting a blog telling him all I'm going through without him (yes, I said it. Another blog). Like my grandmother and grandfather being in a nursing home and them telling my dad and his 3 siblings to split their belongings. They've (not my father) been fighting over crap for weeks! And I say crap in the literal term, like an outdoor swing, a generator, a cookie jar (yes!!! a cookie jar because my mother asked for this snowman one because she's a Christmas freak & no one said they wanted it until she got it, THEN one of my aunts said....well....I kinda wanted that cookie jar).

Where is he? Where is my rock that I told my whole life story to? Where is my best friend? Oh wait, that's right. He stabbed me in the back like the only friend I had. What is he doing? Oh, that's right LIVING A NEW LIFE!!!!! WITH SOME TRASHY WOMAN!!!!

Everyone keeps telling me to be thankful he didn't waste anymore of my time and be thankful we didn't have children....but I want children! I wanted children with him!!! I imagined us having a little girl and her having her own hard hat and boots to go to wreck scenes with her daddy and granddaddy. Yes...I never ever mentioned those words to anyone. I can't quit crying now that I typed that out. It was one image I had in my head that I never told anyone. He told me that when he was born his dad took him around to all the other towing companies showing him off and he told me how he couldn't wait to do that with our child. OOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR child (and he said this within the past year, not like 5 years ago).

I have a broken ankle and I'm in pain everyday. Where is he? After all the years that I took care of him, where is he? Where is my nice comfy bed? Where are the mattresses I PICKED OUT?!!!! That's right, she's sleeping on them.

I want to kill myself. I don't want to be here. No one understands how bad it hurts, they say I'm selfish to want to kill myself but right now I don't see anything worth living for. I'm tired of crying everyday and people say to get over it but I can't, it doesn't work like that, it just doesn't work. I just want to be at peace, I just don't want to think about him and her together, I don't want to think about him and her and her children (or maybe the youngest one is his, who knows, she sure uploads the pic of her giving birth enough to make me wonder), I don't want to think about him, her, her children and HIS family.

I just want to die. I just want to kill myself. I just wish God would take my life and give it to someone who deserves life like a sick child or sick adult with children. I just want to die.

And I was so stupid that I put a link to this blog on my "Becoming Brandie" blog with the title "Who I was". As if I had gotten over it. Yes, very funny. Who I was is Who I Am and who I am right now is still hurting. Still someone with NO ANSWERS TO THE THOUSANDS OF QUESTIONS I have. Someone that cries EVERY SINGLE DAY about someone who I thought I'd die beside and be buried next to.