Nights are the worst. I can never sleep with all the thoughts in my head. I worry about court and I keep asking myself the same questions over and over that don't have an answer. If any of them do only he holds the answer and God knows I would never know the truth.

I keep find crap. This time on his time iPod Touch (the one that works like an iPhone) because I was looking through the history and found an email address "talkandtextwireless@gmail.com" with the words "Phone" under it. I have no idea what it is. I googled and googled, tried to log in, nothing. Looking through his internet history I found where he was able to log in online for his payroll card (which he said was not available online) but it didn't say the username or password and I need the card to get the info. I wish I had kept the card because then I could have just transferred money out of his account ha ha ha. Oh well.

I just want the pain to go away. I just wish he never had done this to me. I want my husband back. Or I think I do, when I actually think about all the times I was always hoping for something, hoping he would call, hoping he would be home on time, hoping he'd want to do something with me, hoping he wanted to fix up the living room, hoping he wanted to fix up the yard, hoping he wanted to have sex with me, hoping he was going to pay the bills, hoping he really wanted a baby, hoping he was taking it seriously. Always, always, always hoping. That is what kept me hanging on, kept me believing that things would be ok.

Now I'm stuck wondering if he and her were on the same shift, did they have dinner together every night, was he giving her money, had they been talking for months and month, did she ride with him, was he doing side jobs to have money, what did they talk about, was he going by her house at night, did they have lunch together, did they spend weekends together while I was working, did he visit her during the day, how many other people knew. I remember going up there and seeing her a few times and asking him "Oh I thought only black girls worked on your shift" and he would say so and so had to switch. Yeah right. She knew, she thought he was his, that is why she would come outside when I was there, to try and mark her territory. I just don't know why this had to happen.

I got him the iPod for our anniversary. I bought him some different earbuds and he said that it was oddly shaped and hoped (or he said he hoped) it was a positive pregnancy test. Then that night we went to dinner and he had my flowers delivered to the restaurant so they were already there and on the way home we stopped at the store and while I was in the car I wrote him a note and saved it on his iPod. I seen today it was just 123 days ago, "I had a wonderful anniversary and my flowers were such a beautiful surprise. 3 years down and only 75 more to go. I love being your Mrs.!!!"

While he cheated on me he carried around his iPod (he loved it) with that note saved on it. I would have stayed with him forever. I would have loved him forever. What happened?