Nights are the worst. I can never sleep with all the thoughts in my head. I worry about court and I keep asking myself the same questions over and over that don't have an answer. If any of them do only he holds the answer and God knows I would never know the truth.

I keep find crap. This time on his time iPod Touch (the one that works like an iPhone) because I was looking through the history and found an email address "talkandtextwireless@gmail.com" with the words "Phone" under it. I have no idea what it is. I googled and googled, tried to log in, nothing. Looking through his internet history I found where he was able to log in online for his payroll card (which he said was not available online) but it didn't say the username or password and I need the card to get the info. I wish I had kept the card because then I could have just transferred money out of his account ha ha ha. Oh well.

I just want the pain to go away. I just wish he never had done this to me. I want my husband back. Or I think I do, when I actually think about all the times I was always hoping for something, hoping he would call, hoping he would be home on time, hoping he'd want to do something with me, hoping he wanted to fix up the living room, hoping he wanted to fix up the yard, hoping he wanted to have sex with me, hoping he was going to pay the bills, hoping he really wanted a baby, hoping he was taking it seriously. Always, always, always hoping. That is what kept me hanging on, kept me believing that things would be ok.

Now I'm stuck wondering if he and her were on the same shift, did they have dinner together every night, was he giving her money, had they been talking for months and month, did she ride with him, was he doing side jobs to have money, what did they talk about, was he going by her house at night, did they have lunch together, did they spend weekends together while I was working, did he visit her during the day, how many other people knew. I remember going up there and seeing her a few times and asking him "Oh I thought only black girls worked on your shift" and he would say so and so had to switch. Yeah right. She knew, she thought he was his, that is why she would come outside when I was there, to try and mark her territory. I just don't know why this had to happen.

I got him the iPod for our anniversary. I bought him some different earbuds and he said that it was oddly shaped and hoped (or he said he hoped) it was a positive pregnancy test. Then that night we went to dinner and he had my flowers delivered to the restaurant so they were already there and on the way home we stopped at the store and while I was in the car I wrote him a note and saved it on his iPod. I seen today it was just 123 days ago, "I had a wonderful anniversary and my flowers were such a beautiful surprise. 3 years down and only 75 more to go. I love being your Mrs.!!!"

While he cheated on me he carried around his iPod (he loved it) with that note saved on it. I would have stayed with him forever. I would have loved him forever. What happened?

Well today I had to go to the health department to get an STD test. I have never felt so humiliated in my entire life. I try not to judge people but these were the scum of the earth. Some girl talking about how she ran from the police and then blamed them for her running, talking about how she tries to not steal things from every store she goes in even though "she had like so much stuff", people who smelled like they haven't bathed in days. I had to go because my OB/GYN has to be booked months in advance. The stupid shit nurse at the clinic didn't even really want to examine me, she was asking all these embarrassing questions like "Well have you had any itching, burning, discharge" ummm...no but I found out my husband has been screwing a piece of trash so God knows what she has or her husband has because he looks like the type that fucks around on her too. I went ahead and got the shot and pills to cure some of the STDs if I had any (that can be cured). I have to go back on my freakin' birthday to get the official results, that way if he gave me something that will be his birthday present to me. Ahhhh, he just never quits giving. To top it off the nurse asked if I wanted some condoms, I was like....no, after what my husband did to me, I have no interest in being with anyone. She said that everyone says they don't need condoms until they need them and then don't have them. She gave them to me anyway and thought, "mmmm, maybe I should mail them to my husband because then he wouldn't have to pay for them at Wal-Mart on his weekends out". I try to focus all the mortification and embarrassment on him, like he is the one that put me through it, because in a way he is. If he hadn't cheated and done this, I wouldn't be going through it. I wouldn't have had to undress and dress and put my butt in some strange nurses face (who answered her cell phone in front of me and then walked out, as well has having the radio blaring on the rap channel), I wouldn't have had to get blood drawn and a shot (I'm a not a needle person, they usually have to have 2 people in there with me so I won't faint). When I focus it on him, maybe it will help me get over it sooner. It is strange because it has only been a month and I don't want to talk to him (although I have things to say to him that I didn't get to say before he went to jail, I have questions I want to ask but like he'd be truthful. He didn't even say the real reason he was leaving). Everyone else, who happen to be older, seem to see things clearly because all I worry about is that she is pregnant and if she is, I will probably kill myself because not only did I have an abortion after my affair because he said that he couldn't stay with me if I didn't, but he said he wanted a family with me and we had (to the best of my knowledge) been trying for a year to have a baby so in a way, he took that from me so it just seems perfect that she would have what I didn't. That he took things from me but he'll have them with her. I think she's going to move her in, MY house that I decorated, that I cooked in, that I did everything in. My mother just looks like I'm crazy. Everyone seems to be able to see what they call "Ms. Booty Call" and I swear it doesn't seem like that to me. I guess in a way it does, but who knows. I know I was a bitch and I complained and fussed about stuff but I was trying to get our lives going in the right direction to get things together. Figure out what we were going to do to get our bills together and what to do about our jobs to have the family life that he said he wanted. Then he just up and does this? It was like I wanted too much, I wanted more....but we were married!!! We weren't dating!!

I tried to do all the wifey duties, I loved to plant plants and flowers, cook--loved to look up recipes, loved to do laundry (although I wasn't the best at folding and collecting), I researched all types of baby things, I used to pack his clothes for his training trips when he went out of town. I remember in May I send him a huge package of his favorite things to his hotel where he was staying for training for work. He told me that all the guys were going out and I said he should go and have fun, behave himself, but have fun. He told me he wasn't into that kind of stuff and would rather talk to me and there was no way he could hang out all hours of then night and then get up at 7:00 to be in class. He said that they had Cameros that you could rent at Avis and I said he should rent one (he wanted one so bad) but he said he wasn't going to spend his money on that. I tried to give him freedom, I tried to get him to have fun because I didn't want to be that psycho controlling wife (especially since I had made mistakes in our marriage). I just wanted him to be happy but then I find out that James, who I remember him telling me about, and I actually urged him to be closer friends with. He told me how he was a young kid and he was teaching him all this stuff, the typical "taking him under his wing" and now look what happened!!!! This kid, who is younger than me, is totally aware of what he is doing and is covering for him!! I saw how often they talked (he and James) so there is only 2 options there, 1.) James gave that girl his phone (which I'm not too sure of because each time I had called it he answered, my friend even called him and pretended to have the wrong number and she said how weird he was because he wanted to talk to her and she was like...ummm I just had the wrong number) or 2.) that is what my husband and he talked about because once I saw he talked to her for almost 30 minutes and then 20 minutes later he talked to James for like 45. It made me think...really?

But anyways: I did find his phone number because some of his mail got forwarded to my address and I found the phone bill, he just suspended service to my phone and the internet and added a new line for his phone. I *67'd it but it didn't even go to voicemail, it said the wireless caller wasn't accepting phone calls...which was weird because I called Verizon before and they said if someone was blocking their number there was no way to block those type of calls but that is what it sounded like. I know that if you push "ignore" it goes to voicemail and that is what I wanted to know, if he set up his new voicemail. Whatever.

Oh...and he went to his arraignment for his domestic violence and of course...his family lawyer was his lawyer to which he plead "not guilty" and I'll have to end up going to court to testify what he did. I didn't go this time, I was able to look it up in the court system but I was so mad that of course, everything is handed to him. Uggghghhh---me on the other hand have to pay out of pocket for a lawyer. I don't know if I'll need one because one of the deputies told me the DA will be representing me because I am a victim and the victim doesn't usually need a lawyer, I'll just have to testify my version of events. I can't believe he even cares, he already went to jail so it isn't like he's going back and he's never been in trouble so I can't even imagine he'd even be on probation but I don't give a crap what happens to him, whether he gets in trouble or not. I just want it over with and things haven't even really started. I just hope they don't drop my Protection Order because since we don't have kids or shared bills he has no reason to ever contact me again.

Some people are shocked when I say I was done with him because he cheated but I'm like....ummm...he said he no longer loved me, he didn't want to be with me (even though he was nice to me during the week or so and hugged me and he brought home all my favorite foods to eat together and watch the football game) and then to find out he wants to live the single life after telling for a year and a half he forgave me and that he loved me and wanted to have a baby with me. After I took all these pills and got all excited about being a stay at home mom and looked a baby furniture and did all this research, just to be crushed every month and feel like I was failing him because I wasn't pregnant. He just went on and on about how excited he would be when I was pregnant and how he was going to help with the baby because he was the "baby guru" (a name my friends and I dubbed him because he was so great with kids...that came from raising his brother and sister) but he took all that away from me. It feels like he took my child away, a child that I already loved but just wasn't here yet. How could I not leave him? It hurts so much, my friend tells me I'm mourning the loss of my house and someone else told me such a beautiful thing: that I was romanticizing everything, which is beyond true. It hit the nail on the head.

It is weird because I don't miss "him", I miss all the things he did and the way he made me feel in the good times. I don't want to talk to him, I just want him to tell me how sorry he is, that he is a fool and that I wasn't all those awful things he said. That I was as good as I tried to be in my heart. That won't ever happen and I fear that I won't ever find someone to be comfortable with, that someone that wants children and wants me to be the stay at home mommy and want to have our house TOGETHER (for REAL this time) and will let me decorate for every single holiday, that won't mind my love for Martha Stewart and Southern Living and Better Homes and Gardens and all the things I love. I just always knew, or thought I knew, in my heart that the woman problems wouldn't be something I would have to worry about with my husband. I had put up with his job being more important for almost 10 years, it was his mistress. The show Wrecked is like a bibliography of what my life was like with him, his truck was the Mistress so I wonder if I ever do find someone that can accept and even LOVE all the things that I love, what will I have to deal with? His women problem? His excessive hunting and fishing? Smoking? Going to bars? It's so scary. I want someone who will joke and say "I figured you were at Hobby Lobby when I couldn't find you!!" I just want someone to think I light up their world. When I had my affair I kept telling the man I was with that I was not better than his wife, that I couldn't cook like she did or do all the things she did, I took up for her (partly because I knew her, I know how wonderful she was) but he didn't see all that. Now I know that is what my husband was missing, he was missing "that thing", that "something" and it hurts to know that someone else had it and I didn't. He was the only one I wanted to care about me, the only one who thought I lit up his world. He use to tell me all the time I was his whole world, and now I'm nothing more than a stubborn stain in his life he's trying to get rid of.

Finally stopped drinking everyday.

Still cry everyday because I don't understand how he could do this to me.

Went to Bourbon Street with a (girl) friend of mine so we were pretty much hung over for Valentine's and her fiance came to Mobile without her (she's been with him for 4 years so they're already having doubts). It was fun but since I've been married for 3 years and was together with someone for 10, that kind of lifestyle seems so fast. I decorated my house and collected recipes and looked forward to my husband coming home and now I've got to hang out with these drunk idiots and hope one day someone comes along. But like I want to meet anyone from a bar...but then again, I'm in a bar and on Bourbon Street and I fantasize about having a 12 foot Christmas tree I can decorate! LOL

I MISS HIM!!!!

I miss the man I loved with my heart and soul. I told him for over a year I was so very sorry for what I had done, I told him I would live my life however he needed me to live it for him to trust me, and not even trust me, for me to live however he needed me to live to know I wasn't screwing around.

I love him, my soul hurts.

He was the one I cooked for, the one I waited to come home, the one who scratched my back and held me at night, the one I watched stupid cartoons with. He use to make funny faces in the shower at me. He was my everything. Now I have nothing. NOTHING. Not my home, not my life, and even one of my dogs has ran away (it has been over a week so I know he won't be back). He said he didn't love me anymore because he couldn't get over what I had done. He said he really couldn't forgive me. But he didn't say that until I found out he had been on divorcesupport.com. He told me on the day that I had planned to leave a year ago, to which he said he remembered that date. I know he did this on purpose. He never admitted to anything.

I don't want to live anymore. Everyone keeps telling me "You are strong and you will be ok and it will be alright". WHEN???? WHEN WILL I QUIT CRYING? WHEN WILL THE PAIN IN MY CHEST GO AWAY? WHEN WILL IT FEEL LIKE MY SOUL HAS RETURNED? WHEN WILL I FEEL LIKE I *WANT* TO GET OUT OF BED? WHEN? WHEN WILL I STOP HAVING DREAMS ABOUT IT?

I just keep wanting to hear him call or do the "begging me back" because I want to go back. To lay in my bed, my big bathtub, my pretty little house with my new trees he just planted in the yard, with my rose bushes in the front and in the back, with my mailbox that I decorate. But I know that can never happen. I can't trust him. Even if he quit one job he would be working right down the street from where she works and lives. They sell prepaid phones all day everyday at Wal-Mart so if they wanted to talk, they could. Even if we moved, he got a completely new job, I would never trust him again (I'm sure the same thing he came to realize when he decided he'd rather go out and party and be Mr. Playboy than my husband). It seems like the ultimate revenge. But I came clean, I didn't have to be caught. I didn't do all of what he did to me, to him. I made a mistake, to which he said he forgave and asked me to stay.

Why? Why why why why why? Why can't he love me? Why can't he love me? Why why why why why? He had loved me for 10 years and not anymore? I guess the great friends he has (to which helped him cheat on his wife and cover for him...yes great people to have in your life) and now his new woman so he doesn't have to feel the sting of loneliness. I remember looking over his cell phone that morning and reading the texts the night before from his friend James, "Did you figure out any solutions" obviously to say "Dude, have you figured out an excuse to go out and party with us tonight and get away with it?" I mean they talked all day long, he talked to James and Beth all the time so how did James not already know he said he wanted out? That he wanted to go and do his own thing and stay out all night long and go into his room and give me no explanation? How did they not already know that? But who knows. Maybe they did, maybe he was asking "Did you figure out any solutions" as in "How are going to pickup Beth"....who knows but what I figured was the same thing my friends figured when I told them what it said. Of course they gasp in shock and then said the same thing I did.

I can't make it. I just want to blow my brains out. I don't like being alone. I can't stand this. I just want to die. I just want to sleep forever and never ever wake up. If God does all things, why can't he just give my life to someone else who wants life? A sick person, a cancer patient, someone dying that has a loving family, friends, and children?

Please help me. I can't make it. The hours go by and it seems like it has been minutes. Then the minutes go by and they feel like hours.

It is snowing and I can't be with him to share it. It hasn't snowed where we live in probably 15 years. I wish I could be with him to share it.

I had told him I always wanted to see real snow and tried to convince him last winter for us to drive to Colorado but he decided against it since it was about a 23 hour, one way drive.

It is snowing and I can't be in his arms or having a snowball fight or building a snowman with him. I can't be sitting in front of our fireplace with him.

I don't think I am going to make it through this.

I don't know how I'm going to make it through this. I just feel so very alone. Maybe it is because I really was dependant on him more than I thought but all I do is blame myself. I shouldn't have bitched as much, I should have dressed up more, I should have asked him more about what he was going through, I should have inquired about his day more, I shouldn't have talked so much.

The minute I type those words out I tell myself that if I didn't talk there would be nothing but silence. He no longer wanted to share his life with me. I just can't help but feeling more than not good enough. His family told him the moment he met me that I wasn't so I am glad I could live up to their expectations. My heart just feels ripped out. I just want him to come and tell me that he's sorry and that we will work it out, no matter what it takes. But deep down I know that isn't going to happen this time, and after the abuse and cheating and lying I don't think there would be any hope. I guess right now the worst part is just to get over the sadness and the feeling of being alone...especially since Valentine's Day is only 4 days away. Great.

My parents celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary tonight, all I could do was cry. I made sure they didn't see because I didn't want to ruin their night but it is so heartbreaking that I only made it to 3 years and they've made it that far. All my hopes and dreams are gone. My beautiful little house that I decorated, my kitchen full of pink gadgets, the person who I laid beside every single night. The person who I was excited to come home to, the person who I imagined painting our baby's nursery and being beside me forever. I keep remembering the fun times we had and I just cry because I don't have anyone to do those things with. I can't even go to the movies! Yes of course I know I can, but I think you get the point. We just talked about celebrating Valentine's Day, well I guess "I" did because I said I had to work on Valentine's so we shouldn't celebrate. He jokingly said "I have to work on Mondays so I'm not celebrating Mondays anymore". Now this. Now nothing. Now waiting on his divorce papers and wondering if he's enjoying his time with his girlfriend.

Because that, of course, is the other stab; he doesn't have to be alone. I never imagined my life without him and I always said if we got divorced I would never do it again, I'd do it all on my own. Have children with a donor and IVF, have my own home, my own career but I had this whole other mentality. He said he wanted children and wanted us to be a family so I was Mrs. Domestic. I was a subscriber to Better Homes and Gardens and Southern Living for Christ's sake! Now I can't even bring myself to read them! I have no where to live! No where to decorate, no where to cook recipes, nothing. We went to Sam's Club to look around at Christmas time and I saw they had a 12' tree there and I joked that I wanted it. He asked me if I wanted it and joked I needed to go to Sam's after Christmas to see if it was on sale. He talked about it, he brought it up and joked with me about how many ornaments and lights it would take to decorate a 12' tree.

But when his grandmother had her heart attack at the beginning of January he made a comment at the hospital when we went the second day to visit her because we had an argument, he said that maybe I'd be better off without him. I thought he was going through a funk because he almost just lost his grandmother but I felt differently. I just looked at him and said "Well maybe it is something that we need to talk about". Maybe I should have said how I felt, that my soul was being crushed by the thought but I think my brain knew what my heart couldn't accept. Only to find out that his grandmother's heart attack ruined his plans with his friend James and the girlfriend (after looking at the phone records I saw that he had called James and her repeatedly, and they called him as well) only to love the fact that I was working night shift as well (6PM-6AM) so I left work to be with him and his family while his real funk was his weekend plans were ruined. But he even commented that I "stole" his New Orleans Saints shirt because I was wearing it.

I offered to stay home Sunday (because I did have a good excuse) but he said it was ok for me to go to work, obviously because he had plans with his friends from the night before. I didn't see any calls that night but since he got into a habit of turning his phone off, who knows. And on top of that, James texted him like a million times a day, so much that my friends and I even thought that maybe James had given the girl his phone because there were sooooo many calls, but every time we've called it, it has been James to answer.

It is clear now that he just inched closer and closer to the "not wanting to be married" stage. The night I went by the place he was partying I was actually kind of comforted because I thought he was going through the "guy thing" he had single, young friends who didn't have any responsibilities, the get to go and do whatever they want (James has been to Vegas, been skiing, frequent New Orleans visitor), they don't have a mortgage to worry about and all those other bills and trying to figure out how it all works together living paycheck to paycheck at times and trying to figure out how to pay the $400 electric bill when the $275 gas bill is due. But what I don't understand is I told him over and over again how our life would eventually go if we had kids and I was a stay at home mom (like he said he wanted) I would be calling him and telling him about a carpool mom problem or the highlight of his night would be me telling him about how frustrated I got with a toy that wouldn't work or the baby stuffed peas up his nose. He said he understood that and was ok with that. It wasn't like I was an idiot.

I remember the days after I moved into the other bedroom (before I moved out) he was installing the cable in my room and we were talking and he said "Why isn't it like this all the time, it is just so carefree and nice" and I said that maybe we were always worried about our future and not the right now. But it didn't matter, he was able to mentally prepare himself for being alone and being divorced. He was ready. I cried my eyes out and begged him to reconsider and all the time he had been talking to someone else and not only that, his good friend was helping him succeed in hiding everything, and you KNOW he was helping convince him that marriage was lame (if not convincing, at least agreeing with him). I just don't even have words. I can't believe my husband has done this, has let these thoughts come into his head after all this time together, 11 years.

I have had an affair and he asked me to stay and said we would work through it. Then a year and a half later he does this. I had no idea. I know how he feels now and I blame myself because if I hadn't done what I had done he wouldn't feel the way he does now so I guess I deserve all I get. But I don't think it is right for him to do what he did and then a year and half say that he said he forgave me and though he did but he actually didn't and doesn't. He said that he had been doing all those nice things to try to convince himself he loved me and that he didn't hate me. Which, he does not love me and does hate me. I would have rather him just treat me like crap than to treat me nice and then up and turn the light switch off (which is exactly how it feels). I keep telling myself that I don't understand. The image of his girlfriend is in my head and I'm still confused because she wasn't his type, she's not attractive, she's a redneck who is uneducated with a 10th grade education and looks like she couldn't cook a grilled cheese. Someone that he made fun of, someone that he wouldn't associate with. Here I am, on the TTC message boards, trying to find out all the information I can on having a baby, trying to get our life in order to do all the things we wanted to do, taking care of the house, doing the laundry, doing whatever he asked me to do (OH! THAT REMINDS ME: The night I tracked him he went to the parking lot of where he worked "to meet up with James" and then he called me and said he had gotten a flat tire, which may have been true because he had some tire problems because the weather was cold and the pictures look like it is a different tire....but he called me and asked me to call around to see if any tire shops were still open at 10:00 PM. I told him to ask me nicely and I would, "Will you please call and see if they are open" my response was "Will you tell me what time you are coming home" to which he said he didn't know and didn't understand why I wouldn't give him a divorce...I said I wasn't leaving and he could get James to help him) so he still wanted to call and ask me to help him while he was too busy cheating and partying but yet I'm not good enough?

Which that whole thing could have a been a lie because he said James was taking him to get a tire (but James wasn't off work yet...supposedly) but then less than an hour later his truck was moving (to pickup someone) to head out to party. The trip that lead him to walmart to buy condoms and beer and that damn SOBE Life Water (aaaaghggghghghghg because I know it was for her because he doesn't drink that kind of stuff!!) as well as candy (because I guess while you're partying and cheating you need a large bag of skittles and starburst since they were unopened on the dash) but what I really had thought was he had went to walmart to get condoms and flowers and gushy stuff for his date. That is what is confusing, instead of going out on a date and buying flowers and things, he goes to walmart and then to taco bell and then to a run down duplex-ish house with his girlfriend and other friends.

A friend told me that if I did understand what was going on, I would be in the same boat as all the crazy's out there so it was best that I didn't understand and that it didn't make sense.

Well hello everyone. I'm not going to publicize this blog so if you've found it, then it is because you searched. I wanted to start this blog as a diary of what I am going through since I am heading towards the Big D...Divorce. There are so many things I want to say and I usually just end up sayin "I just don't understand". I know I have talked my best friend's ear off as well as my poor mother's so I think I just need an outlet to just let it go. Even if it doesn't make sense, just a place to let it out. I know I am going to need therapy because I had no idea he was unhappy, I knew we weren't perfect and I had my fair share of screw ups but I didn't know he was seeing someone else or talking to someone else or that he had the desire to be Mr. Playboy or Mr. Party Boy. I tried to not be the physco controlling wife, but in the end, that is exactly what he called me. Even though he had no responsibilities except to take the trash and put a trash bag back in the garbage can. He did no laundry, no dishes, didn't clean up the house, didn't pay bills (he never paid them on time even though they were in his name), didn't have to keep track of appointments, go to the grocery store of every be home on time. His work always came first, it was his family's business so I let that slide for our entire relationship of 11 years, not to mention every single day in our short three year marriage. Although we got engaged in 2005, the same year he bought the house *I* picked out. I helped him every single step of the way and then he up and says he's not happy and then goes and hangs out with his friends until 4:00 am in the morning.

He was doing all of the things he told me he didn't want to do, he didn't want to hang out with all these people and drink and go to bars. He was always so above all that, even though I'm the one that said we should do that kind of stuff because we were young and had no kids and we could enjoy our time together and enjoy ourselves. Ha. Very funny, he tried to be Mr. Family Man to my face (my last year's Valentine's Day gift was a pink Kitchenaid stand mixer) but he really was talking to another woman he worked with and hanging out with his college aged friends. He always acted so mature but in the end it was like he wanted to be a slob, he wanted to be a dirt leg. I remember the week after he told me he wanted a divorce I stayed up all night long almost every single night crying and begging him to reconsider, to consider marriage counseling; I told him I would change to be and do whatever he wanted. We didn't ever have to move out of the house (what we said we would do "one day" once our kids got a few years old because it was a smaller, starter home) I said we didn't ever have to have kids (we were trying for an entire year per HIS request. The morning I found out he wanted a divorce I had actually just got done peeing on an Ovulation Prediction Kit Stick). I told him that I would do whatever he asked, whether it was have sex everyday or give him oral sex 4 times a day or totally leave him alone. I cried and cried and I still feel today (3 weeks later after finding out he wanted a divorce, 2 weeks after finding out he had been seeing someone else) that my world is over, that it is almost not worth living. I totally loved him, I had made mistakes, which he forgave me for and thought this past year and a half was the best year of our marriage, which he said it was in many of our "talking about divorce" talks.

I know I can't kill myself because I'm an only child and can't do that to my parents, although at times I'm not sure if they care but they did care enough to help me get out of the house after he went to jail for beating me up (I guess I can go into detail about that some other time) and I only had 12 hours to make up my mind. I didn't want to leave because that was my legal residence but I knew it wasn't going to work with him just coming home, leaving for the entire night or entire day, strolling in, going to his room and me in mine. Always hoping he was going to come to my room and just say "Ya know, I'm sorry. I'm just going through something [insert whatever reason here]" but he never did and that waiting and hoping was ripping my soul out. Just 3 days before he told me he wanted a divorce he say I had made a diaper wreath (similar to a diaper cake) and got all excited because he though I was pregnant. The night before that we had sex, which he wanted and persisted on (as in he made all the moves). When he thought I was pregnant, his tone wasn't "Oh MY GOD!!! ARE YOU PREGNANT?!" It was like "Oh my God! You're finally pregnant and I'm so very excited!!" So, I'm still at a loss for all words.

I am so glad I was smart enough to see through the pain and figure out a way to track him. Oh yes, I tracked him by buying a prepaid cell phone, downloading a GPS tracker, placing the phone in his truck and then watching it online through the website www,instamapper.com. It was beautiful. It even used Google Satelitte maps so I was able to see virtual pictures of where he was. He still doesn't know this is how I was able to find out where he was at his friends house 4 hours after he left home (which I watched him take an all-over-the-world route so he would know no one was following him) and the fact that he picked someone up and dropped them off on Siesta Court. I had planned to just watch him for a while, to see his pattern, but after seeing where he was for an extended amount of time, that plan was out the window. And he never even flinched when I told him street names, which is weird because at one point I know he parked on the side of the road for about 10 min, and I know it was to make sure there were no cars following him so when he refused to tell the truth about his trip, I pulled out the street names, ha ha. He never admitted to seeing someone else but after I asked him what he got at Walmart, since he said he went home, Walmart, friends house--I asked to see the reciept then pulled it out of his pants pocket....and guess what he also bought....CONDOMS! Ah yes. I won't ever forget reading that...as well as a SOBE Life Water (which guy on the face of the Earth drinks that?!) Uggghhhhh whatever!

That's when I told him I was leaving with the reciept. To which he jumped me, slammed my head into the ground and attempted to break my hand to get it. He succeeded, then I left and drove around, called into work and came home. I attempted to tell him "I called work and told them I'm not coming in and we're getting this shit out in the open" but all he heard was "I called work" and then said "Well I'm going to call your work too" (I work in law enforcement) so he called and said I jumped him. The word mortified doesn't even begin to describe the fact that the officers I work with were coming to my home! My home, which was a wreck because I had been sorting through things, a wreck because I had done ZERO house work in over a week because I was more concerned with where the hell my husband was and why he didn't love me anymore. So, I thought, I'll wait in the driveway and maybe he'll come outside and they won't have to go in. WRONG. Since they knew who I was, they send 3 officers instead of 2, and I loose it in the parking lot when I see the cars pull up. I'm crying hysterically and they walk up. I had already called for my husband to come out and I informed them he wouldn't come out and I knew they had to talk to him first since he called. But they weren't really concerned with him and asked me what was going on.

Ha! I only thought I was mortified. I had to tell them my business, my story of what had gone on. So I do, show them the knot on my head and the scratches and my fingernail that was starting to turn black and then we go in. I yell for him again and he still doesn't come so the officers have to yell at him. He walks out. Now, I'm not a small girl at all, but he's about 6'4, 340 and I think the minute they saw him they were thinking, "Really?! Did you really call us because she jumped you" So I walk outside and only hear bits and peices but he starts to say "Oh I came home from being out with my friends and she jumped me" Then I can only hear whispers and I'm honesty trying not to hear because I'm scared I'll become enraged, run it, try to choke him to death and then be tazed by the three officers standing in my house. So I scared to death that there are marks on him from where I tried to get him off of me, so I'm just standing in the cold. Walking back and forth and then I hear one officer raise his voice and say "But she's the one with the big ass knot on her head?!?!!" A few more whispers that I can't hear and then I hear the words "Do you have an weapons on you?" And I'm thinking....OMG....he's going to jail!! But I'm not sure. So I wait. Then I hear footsteps and one officer comes out and tells me that he will be going to jail. I didn't even know how to act, I was happy, so happy because I kept telling myself he deserved it. He had abused me on and off for years and he had done such awful things to me. But I didn't know what to do, so I cried but said "Thank You" at the same time.

I got to watch them walk him outside and even got to see a glimpse of the handcuffs. I thought that handcuffs have never appeared more beautiful in my whole life. So after he was put away in the car they tell me he will be in jail for only 12 hours for a "cooling off period" but most of the time they are pissed off so I had 12 hours to do whatever I needed to do. Then they ask me about my program and I tell them how he had lied to me because I had proof he was at this location and that location. They asked me if I had followed him and I said no, there was no way I could have. I couldn't spend hours and hours driving around when there are tens of thousands of homes in our city, and who was to say he was even going to stay in our city? So I told them I had even printed out where he had been and showed them. I think they were rather impressed!

But the best gift I was given was yet to be found. I was looking around for the receipt and then I saw something even better on top of our entertainment center. They had not let him take his cell phone, keys or wallet to jail. So I go unlock his truck and see that it had been cleaned out from the other day and in the backseat I could easily tell they had sex. His uniforms were all on one side as a pillow, my case of water was in the floorboard and nothing else at all was in the backseat. I was sick. I also saw on the dash there was a few pages of listings of divorce lawyers he had printed out and some had "X"s through them. But it burned me up inside because as I was looking through his console (which I didn't really do a good job of) my papers were in there. My markers were in there from a charity auction he took me to (I had to use markers and index cards to make numbers) and even some reciepts for things he had gotten me for Christmas. I was so sick I just quit looking (although I think I should have kept looking because I just know those condoms were in there. I mean, they were the family pack so they have to be somewhere but I guess the thought of putting my hands where her hands or whatever else could have been was too much for me to handle.)

So I went inside with the idea I wasn't leaving. There was no way. He would have to go to court and evict me, I helped to pay this house note, I helped to pay these bills. So as I thought I got his cell phone and changed his online password so I could look over his records. I called a few numbers and it didn't take long to dial one and get the voicemail of "You've reached Beth, Caydence and Emma. Please leave me a message". The name Beth sounded familiar and I knew it was the name of a girl he worked with. Further research proved right (but that is also a longer story). So then I knew it was pointless. Did I really want to be here when he got out of jail? What would it matter? He had already done what he was going to do and continue to do whatever he wanted. Should I leave? I knew if I left when he got home, all of my belongings would be ruined. So I just walked around the house for an hour and knew it was time to leave. What if he came home and hurt me again? What was I going to do? I already knew that I wouldn't get the house anyway, the mortgage and the deed where in his name, he bought it before we were married (even though all of that doesn't matter) even if a judge said it was mine I would have to get a mortgage, which I can't do (already tried) and there is no equity in it to even split because it is a 30 year mortgage and we've been paying on it for only 3 years. So the house I picked out and loved is gone.

My parents came and we moved out everything I owned (except some of my holiday decorations) in about 8 hours.