Well today I had to go to the health department to get an STD test. I have never felt so humiliated in my entire life. I try not to judge people but these were the scum of the earth. Some girl talking about how she ran from the police and then blamed them for her running, talking about how she tries to not steal things from every store she goes in even though "she had like so much stuff", people who smelled like they haven't bathed in days. I had to go because my OB/GYN has to be booked months in advance. The stupid shit nurse at the clinic didn't even really want to examine me, she was asking all these embarrassing questions like "Well have you had any itching, burning, discharge" ummm...no but I found out my husband has been screwing a piece of trash so God knows what she has or her husband has because he looks like the type that fucks around on her too. I went ahead and got the shot and pills to cure some of the STDs if I had any (that can be cured). I have to go back on my freakin' birthday to get the official results, that way if he gave me something that will be his birthday present to me. Ahhhh, he just never quits giving. To top it off the nurse asked if I wanted some condoms, I was like....no, after what my husband did to me, I have no interest in being with anyone. She said that everyone says they don't need condoms until they need them and then don't have them. She gave them to me anyway and thought, "mmmm, maybe I should mail them to my husband because then he wouldn't have to pay for them at Wal-Mart on his weekends out". I try to focus all the mortification and embarrassment on him, like he is the one that put me through it, because in a way he is. If he hadn't cheated and done this, I wouldn't be going through it. I wouldn't have had to undress and dress and put my butt in some strange nurses face (who answered her cell phone in front of me and then walked out, as well has having the radio blaring on the rap channel), I wouldn't have had to get blood drawn and a shot (I'm a not a needle person, they usually have to have 2 people in there with me so I won't faint). When I focus it on him, maybe it will help me get over it sooner. It is strange because it has only been a month and I don't want to talk to him (although I have things to say to him that I didn't get to say before he went to jail, I have questions I want to ask but like he'd be truthful. He didn't even say the real reason he was leaving). Everyone else, who happen to be older, seem to see things clearly because all I worry about is that she is pregnant and if she is, I will probably kill myself because not only did I have an abortion after my affair because he said that he couldn't stay with me if I didn't, but he said he wanted a family with me and we had (to the best of my knowledge) been trying for a year to have a baby so in a way, he took that from me so it just seems perfect that she would have what I didn't. That he took things from me but he'll have them with her. I think she's going to move her in, MY house that I decorated, that I cooked in, that I did everything in. My mother just looks like I'm crazy. Everyone seems to be able to see what they call "Ms. Booty Call" and I swear it doesn't seem like that to me. I guess in a way it does, but who knows. I know I was a bitch and I complained and fussed about stuff but I was trying to get our lives going in the right direction to get things together. Figure out what we were going to do to get our bills together and what to do about our jobs to have the family life that he said he wanted. Then he just up and does this? It was like I wanted too much, I wanted more....but we were married!!! We weren't dating!!

I tried to do all the wifey duties, I loved to plant plants and flowers, cook--loved to look up recipes, loved to do laundry (although I wasn't the best at folding and collecting), I researched all types of baby things, I used to pack his clothes for his training trips when he went out of town. I remember in May I send him a huge package of his favorite things to his hotel where he was staying for training for work. He told me that all the guys were going out and I said he should go and have fun, behave himself, but have fun. He told me he wasn't into that kind of stuff and would rather talk to me and there was no way he could hang out all hours of then night and then get up at 7:00 to be in class. He said that they had Cameros that you could rent at Avis and I said he should rent one (he wanted one so bad) but he said he wasn't going to spend his money on that. I tried to give him freedom, I tried to get him to have fun because I didn't want to be that psycho controlling wife (especially since I had made mistakes in our marriage). I just wanted him to be happy but then I find out that James, who I remember him telling me about, and I actually urged him to be closer friends with. He told me how he was a young kid and he was teaching him all this stuff, the typical "taking him under his wing" and now look what happened!!!! This kid, who is younger than me, is totally aware of what he is doing and is covering for him!! I saw how often they talked (he and James) so there is only 2 options there, 1.) James gave that girl his phone (which I'm not too sure of because each time I had called it he answered, my friend even called him and pretended to have the wrong number and she said how weird he was because he wanted to talk to her and she was like...ummm I just had the wrong number) or 2.) that is what my husband and he talked about because once I saw he talked to her for almost 30 minutes and then 20 minutes later he talked to James for like 45. It made me think...really?

But anyways: I did find his phone number because some of his mail got forwarded to my address and I found the phone bill, he just suspended service to my phone and the internet and added a new line for his phone. I *67'd it but it didn't even go to voicemail, it said the wireless caller wasn't accepting phone calls...which was weird because I called Verizon before and they said if someone was blocking their number there was no way to block those type of calls but that is what it sounded like. I know that if you push "ignore" it goes to voicemail and that is what I wanted to know, if he set up his new voicemail. Whatever.

Oh...and he went to his arraignment for his domestic violence and of course...his family lawyer was his lawyer to which he plead "not guilty" and I'll have to end up going to court to testify what he did. I didn't go this time, I was able to look it up in the court system but I was so mad that of course, everything is handed to him. Uggghghhh---me on the other hand have to pay out of pocket for a lawyer. I don't know if I'll need one because one of the deputies told me the DA will be representing me because I am a victim and the victim doesn't usually need a lawyer, I'll just have to testify my version of events. I can't believe he even cares, he already went to jail so it isn't like he's going back and he's never been in trouble so I can't even imagine he'd even be on probation but I don't give a crap what happens to him, whether he gets in trouble or not. I just want it over with and things haven't even really started. I just hope they don't drop my Protection Order because since we don't have kids or shared bills he has no reason to ever contact me again.

Some people are shocked when I say I was done with him because he cheated but I'm like....ummm...he said he no longer loved me, he didn't want to be with me (even though he was nice to me during the week or so and hugged me and he brought home all my favorite foods to eat together and watch the football game) and then to find out he wants to live the single life after telling for a year and a half he forgave me and that he loved me and wanted to have a baby with me. After I took all these pills and got all excited about being a stay at home mom and looked a baby furniture and did all this research, just to be crushed every month and feel like I was failing him because I wasn't pregnant. He just went on and on about how excited he would be when I was pregnant and how he was going to help with the baby because he was the "baby guru" (a name my friends and I dubbed him because he was so great with kids...that came from raising his brother and sister) but he took all that away from me. It feels like he took my child away, a child that I already loved but just wasn't here yet. How could I not leave him? It hurts so much, my friend tells me I'm mourning the loss of my house and someone else told me such a beautiful thing: that I was romanticizing everything, which is beyond true. It hit the nail on the head.

It is weird because I don't miss "him", I miss all the things he did and the way he made me feel in the good times. I don't want to talk to him, I just want him to tell me how sorry he is, that he is a fool and that I wasn't all those awful things he said. That I was as good as I tried to be in my heart. That won't ever happen and I fear that I won't ever find someone to be comfortable with, that someone that wants children and wants me to be the stay at home mommy and want to have our house TOGETHER (for REAL this time) and will let me decorate for every single holiday, that won't mind my love for Martha Stewart and Southern Living and Better Homes and Gardens and all the things I love. I just always knew, or thought I knew, in my heart that the woman problems wouldn't be something I would have to worry about with my husband. I had put up with his job being more important for almost 10 years, it was his mistress. The show Wrecked is like a bibliography of what my life was like with him, his truck was the Mistress so I wonder if I ever do find someone that can accept and even LOVE all the things that I love, what will I have to deal with? His women problem? His excessive hunting and fishing? Smoking? Going to bars? It's so scary. I want someone who will joke and say "I figured you were at Hobby Lobby when I couldn't find you!!" I just want someone to think I light up their world. When I had my affair I kept telling the man I was with that I was not better than his wife, that I couldn't cook like she did or do all the things she did, I took up for her (partly because I knew her, I know how wonderful she was) but he didn't see all that. Now I know that is what my husband was missing, he was missing "that thing", that "something" and it hurts to know that someone else had it and I didn't. He was the only one I wanted to care about me, the only one who thought I lit up his world. He use to tell me all the time I was his whole world, and now I'm nothing more than a stubborn stain in his life he's trying to get rid of.