Well hello everyone. I'm not going to publicize this blog so if you've found it, then it is because you searched. I wanted to start this blog as a diary of what I am going through since I am heading towards the Big D...Divorce. There are so many things I want to say and I usually just end up sayin "I just don't understand". I know I have talked my best friend's ear off as well as my poor mother's so I think I just need an outlet to just let it go. Even if it doesn't make sense, just a place to let it out. I know I am going to need therapy because I had no idea he was unhappy, I knew we weren't perfect and I had my fair share of screw ups but I didn't know he was seeing someone else or talking to someone else or that he had the desire to be Mr. Playboy or Mr. Party Boy. I tried to not be the physco controlling wife, but in the end, that is exactly what he called me. Even though he had no responsibilities except to take the trash and put a trash bag back in the garbage can. He did no laundry, no dishes, didn't clean up the house, didn't pay bills (he never paid them on time even though they were in his name), didn't have to keep track of appointments, go to the grocery store of every be home on time. His work always came first, it was his family's business so I let that slide for our entire relationship of 11 years, not to mention every single day in our short three year marriage. Although we got engaged in 2005, the same year he bought the house *I* picked out. I helped him every single step of the way and then he up and says he's not happy and then goes and hangs out with his friends until 4:00 am in the morning.

He was doing all of the things he told me he didn't want to do, he didn't want to hang out with all these people and drink and go to bars. He was always so above all that, even though I'm the one that said we should do that kind of stuff because we were young and had no kids and we could enjoy our time together and enjoy ourselves. Ha. Very funny, he tried to be Mr. Family Man to my face (my last year's Valentine's Day gift was a pink Kitchenaid stand mixer) but he really was talking to another woman he worked with and hanging out with his college aged friends. He always acted so mature but in the end it was like he wanted to be a slob, he wanted to be a dirt leg. I remember the week after he told me he wanted a divorce I stayed up all night long almost every single night crying and begging him to reconsider, to consider marriage counseling; I told him I would change to be and do whatever he wanted. We didn't ever have to move out of the house (what we said we would do "one day" once our kids got a few years old because it was a smaller, starter home) I said we didn't ever have to have kids (we were trying for an entire year per HIS request. The morning I found out he wanted a divorce I had actually just got done peeing on an Ovulation Prediction Kit Stick). I told him that I would do whatever he asked, whether it was have sex everyday or give him oral sex 4 times a day or totally leave him alone. I cried and cried and I still feel today (3 weeks later after finding out he wanted a divorce, 2 weeks after finding out he had been seeing someone else) that my world is over, that it is almost not worth living. I totally loved him, I had made mistakes, which he forgave me for and thought this past year and a half was the best year of our marriage, which he said it was in many of our "talking about divorce" talks.

I know I can't kill myself because I'm an only child and can't do that to my parents, although at times I'm not sure if they care but they did care enough to help me get out of the house after he went to jail for beating me up (I guess I can go into detail about that some other time) and I only had 12 hours to make up my mind. I didn't want to leave because that was my legal residence but I knew it wasn't going to work with him just coming home, leaving for the entire night or entire day, strolling in, going to his room and me in mine. Always hoping he was going to come to my room and just say "Ya know, I'm sorry. I'm just going through something [insert whatever reason here]" but he never did and that waiting and hoping was ripping my soul out. Just 3 days before he told me he wanted a divorce he say I had made a diaper wreath (similar to a diaper cake) and got all excited because he though I was pregnant. The night before that we had sex, which he wanted and persisted on (as in he made all the moves). When he thought I was pregnant, his tone wasn't "Oh MY GOD!!! ARE YOU PREGNANT?!" It was like "Oh my God! You're finally pregnant and I'm so very excited!!" So, I'm still at a loss for all words.

I am so glad I was smart enough to see through the pain and figure out a way to track him. Oh yes, I tracked him by buying a prepaid cell phone, downloading a GPS tracker, placing the phone in his truck and then watching it online through the website www,instamapper.com. It was beautiful. It even used Google Satelitte maps so I was able to see virtual pictures of where he was. He still doesn't know this is how I was able to find out where he was at his friends house 4 hours after he left home (which I watched him take an all-over-the-world route so he would know no one was following him) and the fact that he picked someone up and dropped them off on Siesta Court. I had planned to just watch him for a while, to see his pattern, but after seeing where he was for an extended amount of time, that plan was out the window. And he never even flinched when I told him street names, which is weird because at one point I know he parked on the side of the road for about 10 min, and I know it was to make sure there were no cars following him so when he refused to tell the truth about his trip, I pulled out the street names, ha ha. He never admitted to seeing someone else but after I asked him what he got at Walmart, since he said he went home, Walmart, friends house--I asked to see the reciept then pulled it out of his pants pocket....and guess what he also bought....CONDOMS! Ah yes. I won't ever forget reading that...as well as a SOBE Life Water (which guy on the face of the Earth drinks that?!) Uggghhhhh whatever!

That's when I told him I was leaving with the reciept. To which he jumped me, slammed my head into the ground and attempted to break my hand to get it. He succeeded, then I left and drove around, called into work and came home. I attempted to tell him "I called work and told them I'm not coming in and we're getting this shit out in the open" but all he heard was "I called work" and then said "Well I'm going to call your work too" (I work in law enforcement) so he called and said I jumped him. The word mortified doesn't even begin to describe the fact that the officers I work with were coming to my home! My home, which was a wreck because I had been sorting through things, a wreck because I had done ZERO house work in over a week because I was more concerned with where the hell my husband was and why he didn't love me anymore. So, I thought, I'll wait in the driveway and maybe he'll come outside and they won't have to go in. WRONG. Since they knew who I was, they send 3 officers instead of 2, and I loose it in the parking lot when I see the cars pull up. I'm crying hysterically and they walk up. I had already called for my husband to come out and I informed them he wouldn't come out and I knew they had to talk to him first since he called. But they weren't really concerned with him and asked me what was going on.

Ha! I only thought I was mortified. I had to tell them my business, my story of what had gone on. So I do, show them the knot on my head and the scratches and my fingernail that was starting to turn black and then we go in. I yell for him again and he still doesn't come so the officers have to yell at him. He walks out. Now, I'm not a small girl at all, but he's about 6'4, 340 and I think the minute they saw him they were thinking, "Really?! Did you really call us because she jumped you" So I walk outside and only hear bits and peices but he starts to say "Oh I came home from being out with my friends and she jumped me" Then I can only hear whispers and I'm honesty trying not to hear because I'm scared I'll become enraged, run it, try to choke him to death and then be tazed by the three officers standing in my house. So I scared to death that there are marks on him from where I tried to get him off of me, so I'm just standing in the cold. Walking back and forth and then I hear one officer raise his voice and say "But she's the one with the big ass knot on her head?!?!!" A few more whispers that I can't hear and then I hear the words "Do you have an weapons on you?" And I'm thinking....OMG....he's going to jail!! But I'm not sure. So I wait. Then I hear footsteps and one officer comes out and tells me that he will be going to jail. I didn't even know how to act, I was happy, so happy because I kept telling myself he deserved it. He had abused me on and off for years and he had done such awful things to me. But I didn't know what to do, so I cried but said "Thank You" at the same time.

I got to watch them walk him outside and even got to see a glimpse of the handcuffs. I thought that handcuffs have never appeared more beautiful in my whole life. So after he was put away in the car they tell me he will be in jail for only 12 hours for a "cooling off period" but most of the time they are pissed off so I had 12 hours to do whatever I needed to do. Then they ask me about my program and I tell them how he had lied to me because I had proof he was at this location and that location. They asked me if I had followed him and I said no, there was no way I could have. I couldn't spend hours and hours driving around when there are tens of thousands of homes in our city, and who was to say he was even going to stay in our city? So I told them I had even printed out where he had been and showed them. I think they were rather impressed!

But the best gift I was given was yet to be found. I was looking around for the receipt and then I saw something even better on top of our entertainment center. They had not let him take his cell phone, keys or wallet to jail. So I go unlock his truck and see that it had been cleaned out from the other day and in the backseat I could easily tell they had sex. His uniforms were all on one side as a pillow, my case of water was in the floorboard and nothing else at all was in the backseat. I was sick. I also saw on the dash there was a few pages of listings of divorce lawyers he had printed out and some had "X"s through them. But it burned me up inside because as I was looking through his console (which I didn't really do a good job of) my papers were in there. My markers were in there from a charity auction he took me to (I had to use markers and index cards to make numbers) and even some reciepts for things he had gotten me for Christmas. I was so sick I just quit looking (although I think I should have kept looking because I just know those condoms were in there. I mean, they were the family pack so they have to be somewhere but I guess the thought of putting my hands where her hands or whatever else could have been was too much for me to handle.)

So I went inside with the idea I wasn't leaving. There was no way. He would have to go to court and evict me, I helped to pay this house note, I helped to pay these bills. So as I thought I got his cell phone and changed his online password so I could look over his records. I called a few numbers and it didn't take long to dial one and get the voicemail of "You've reached Beth, Caydence and Emma. Please leave me a message". The name Beth sounded familiar and I knew it was the name of a girl he worked with. Further research proved right (but that is also a longer story). So then I knew it was pointless. Did I really want to be here when he got out of jail? What would it matter? He had already done what he was going to do and continue to do whatever he wanted. Should I leave? I knew if I left when he got home, all of my belongings would be ruined. So I just walked around the house for an hour and knew it was time to leave. What if he came home and hurt me again? What was I going to do? I already knew that I wouldn't get the house anyway, the mortgage and the deed where in his name, he bought it before we were married (even though all of that doesn't matter) even if a judge said it was mine I would have to get a mortgage, which I can't do (already tried) and there is no equity in it to even split because it is a 30 year mortgage and we've been paying on it for only 3 years. So the house I picked out and loved is gone.

My parents came and we moved out everything I owned (except some of my holiday decorations) in about 8 hours.