I MISS HIM!!!!

I miss the man I loved with my heart and soul. I told him for over a year I was so very sorry for what I had done, I told him I would live my life however he needed me to live it for him to trust me, and not even trust me, for me to live however he needed me to live to know I wasn't screwing around.

I love him, my soul hurts.

He was the one I cooked for, the one I waited to come home, the one who scratched my back and held me at night, the one I watched stupid cartoons with. He use to make funny faces in the shower at me. He was my everything. Now I have nothing. NOTHING. Not my home, not my life, and even one of my dogs has ran away (it has been over a week so I know he won't be back). He said he didn't love me anymore because he couldn't get over what I had done. He said he really couldn't forgive me. But he didn't say that until I found out he had been on divorcesupport.com. He told me on the day that I had planned to leave a year ago, to which he said he remembered that date. I know he did this on purpose. He never admitted to anything.

I don't want to live anymore. Everyone keeps telling me "You are strong and you will be ok and it will be alright". WHEN???? WHEN WILL I QUIT CRYING? WHEN WILL THE PAIN IN MY CHEST GO AWAY? WHEN WILL IT FEEL LIKE MY SOUL HAS RETURNED? WHEN WILL I FEEL LIKE I *WANT* TO GET OUT OF BED? WHEN? WHEN WILL I STOP HAVING DREAMS ABOUT IT?

I just keep wanting to hear him call or do the "begging me back" because I want to go back. To lay in my bed, my big bathtub, my pretty little house with my new trees he just planted in the yard, with my rose bushes in the front and in the back, with my mailbox that I decorate. But I know that can never happen. I can't trust him. Even if he quit one job he would be working right down the street from where she works and lives. They sell prepaid phones all day everyday at Wal-Mart so if they wanted to talk, they could. Even if we moved, he got a completely new job, I would never trust him again (I'm sure the same thing he came to realize when he decided he'd rather go out and party and be Mr. Playboy than my husband). It seems like the ultimate revenge. But I came clean, I didn't have to be caught. I didn't do all of what he did to me, to him. I made a mistake, to which he said he forgave and asked me to stay.

Why? Why why why why why? Why can't he love me? Why can't he love me? Why why why why why? He had loved me for 10 years and not anymore? I guess the great friends he has (to which helped him cheat on his wife and cover for him...yes great people to have in your life) and now his new woman so he doesn't have to feel the sting of loneliness. I remember looking over his cell phone that morning and reading the texts the night before from his friend James, "Did you figure out any solutions" obviously to say "Dude, have you figured out an excuse to go out and party with us tonight and get away with it?" I mean they talked all day long, he talked to James and Beth all the time so how did James not already know he said he wanted out? That he wanted to go and do his own thing and stay out all night long and go into his room and give me no explanation? How did they not already know that? But who knows. Maybe they did, maybe he was asking "Did you figure out any solutions" as in "How are going to pickup Beth"....who knows but what I figured was the same thing my friends figured when I told them what it said. Of course they gasp in shock and then said the same thing I did.

I can't make it. I just want to blow my brains out. I don't like being alone. I can't stand this. I just want to die. I just want to sleep forever and never ever wake up. If God does all things, why can't he just give my life to someone else who wants life? A sick person, a cancer patient, someone dying that has a loving family, friends, and children?

Please help me. I can't make it. The hours go by and it seems like it has been minutes. Then the minutes go by and they feel like hours.