I don't know how I'm going to make it through this. I just feel so very alone. Maybe it is because I really was dependant on him more than I thought but all I do is blame myself. I shouldn't have bitched as much, I should have dressed up more, I should have asked him more about what he was going through, I should have inquired about his day more, I shouldn't have talked so much.

The minute I type those words out I tell myself that if I didn't talk there would be nothing but silence. He no longer wanted to share his life with me. I just can't help but feeling more than not good enough. His family told him the moment he met me that I wasn't so I am glad I could live up to their expectations. My heart just feels ripped out. I just want him to come and tell me that he's sorry and that we will work it out, no matter what it takes. But deep down I know that isn't going to happen this time, and after the abuse and cheating and lying I don't think there would be any hope. I guess right now the worst part is just to get over the sadness and the feeling of being alone...especially since Valentine's Day is only 4 days away. Great.

My parents celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary tonight, all I could do was cry. I made sure they didn't see because I didn't want to ruin their night but it is so heartbreaking that I only made it to 3 years and they've made it that far. All my hopes and dreams are gone. My beautiful little house that I decorated, my kitchen full of pink gadgets, the person who I laid beside every single night. The person who I was excited to come home to, the person who I imagined painting our baby's nursery and being beside me forever. I keep remembering the fun times we had and I just cry because I don't have anyone to do those things with. I can't even go to the movies! Yes of course I know I can, but I think you get the point. We just talked about celebrating Valentine's Day, well I guess "I" did because I said I had to work on Valentine's so we shouldn't celebrate. He jokingly said "I have to work on Mondays so I'm not celebrating Mondays anymore". Now this. Now nothing. Now waiting on his divorce papers and wondering if he's enjoying his time with his girlfriend.

Because that, of course, is the other stab; he doesn't have to be alone. I never imagined my life without him and I always said if we got divorced I would never do it again, I'd do it all on my own. Have children with a donor and IVF, have my own home, my own career but I had this whole other mentality. He said he wanted children and wanted us to be a family so I was Mrs. Domestic. I was a subscriber to Better Homes and Gardens and Southern Living for Christ's sake! Now I can't even bring myself to read them! I have no where to live! No where to decorate, no where to cook recipes, nothing. We went to Sam's Club to look around at Christmas time and I saw they had a 12' tree there and I joked that I wanted it. He asked me if I wanted it and joked I needed to go to Sam's after Christmas to see if it was on sale. He talked about it, he brought it up and joked with me about how many ornaments and lights it would take to decorate a 12' tree.

But when his grandmother had her heart attack at the beginning of January he made a comment at the hospital when we went the second day to visit her because we had an argument, he said that maybe I'd be better off without him. I thought he was going through a funk because he almost just lost his grandmother but I felt differently. I just looked at him and said "Well maybe it is something that we need to talk about". Maybe I should have said how I felt, that my soul was being crushed by the thought but I think my brain knew what my heart couldn't accept. Only to find out that his grandmother's heart attack ruined his plans with his friend James and the girlfriend (after looking at the phone records I saw that he had called James and her repeatedly, and they called him as well) only to love the fact that I was working night shift as well (6PM-6AM) so I left work to be with him and his family while his real funk was his weekend plans were ruined. But he even commented that I "stole" his New Orleans Saints shirt because I was wearing it.

I offered to stay home Sunday (because I did have a good excuse) but he said it was ok for me to go to work, obviously because he had plans with his friends from the night before. I didn't see any calls that night but since he got into a habit of turning his phone off, who knows. And on top of that, James texted him like a million times a day, so much that my friends and I even thought that maybe James had given the girl his phone because there were sooooo many calls, but every time we've called it, it has been James to answer.

It is clear now that he just inched closer and closer to the "not wanting to be married" stage. The night I went by the place he was partying I was actually kind of comforted because I thought he was going through the "guy thing" he had single, young friends who didn't have any responsibilities, the get to go and do whatever they want (James has been to Vegas, been skiing, frequent New Orleans visitor), they don't have a mortgage to worry about and all those other bills and trying to figure out how it all works together living paycheck to paycheck at times and trying to figure out how to pay the $400 electric bill when the $275 gas bill is due. But what I don't understand is I told him over and over again how our life would eventually go if we had kids and I was a stay at home mom (like he said he wanted) I would be calling him and telling him about a carpool mom problem or the highlight of his night would be me telling him about how frustrated I got with a toy that wouldn't work or the baby stuffed peas up his nose. He said he understood that and was ok with that. It wasn't like I was an idiot.

I remember the days after I moved into the other bedroom (before I moved out) he was installing the cable in my room and we were talking and he said "Why isn't it like this all the time, it is just so carefree and nice" and I said that maybe we were always worried about our future and not the right now. But it didn't matter, he was able to mentally prepare himself for being alone and being divorced. He was ready. I cried my eyes out and begged him to reconsider and all the time he had been talking to someone else and not only that, his good friend was helping him succeed in hiding everything, and you KNOW he was helping convince him that marriage was lame (if not convincing, at least agreeing with him). I just don't even have words. I can't believe my husband has done this, has let these thoughts come into his head after all this time together, 11 years.

I have had an affair and he asked me to stay and said we would work through it. Then a year and a half later he does this. I had no idea. I know how he feels now and I blame myself because if I hadn't done what I had done he wouldn't feel the way he does now so I guess I deserve all I get. But I don't think it is right for him to do what he did and then a year and half say that he said he forgave me and though he did but he actually didn't and doesn't. He said that he had been doing all those nice things to try to convince himself he loved me and that he didn't hate me. Which, he does not love me and does hate me. I would have rather him just treat me like crap than to treat me nice and then up and turn the light switch off (which is exactly how it feels). I keep telling myself that I don't understand. The image of his girlfriend is in my head and I'm still confused because she wasn't his type, she's not attractive, she's a redneck who is uneducated with a 10th grade education and looks like she couldn't cook a grilled cheese. Someone that he made fun of, someone that he wouldn't associate with. Here I am, on the TTC message boards, trying to find out all the information I can on having a baby, trying to get our life in order to do all the things we wanted to do, taking care of the house, doing the laundry, doing whatever he asked me to do (OH! THAT REMINDS ME: The night I tracked him he went to the parking lot of where he worked "to meet up with James" and then he called me and said he had gotten a flat tire, which may have been true because he had some tire problems because the weather was cold and the pictures look like it is a different tire....but he called me and asked me to call around to see if any tire shops were still open at 10:00 PM. I told him to ask me nicely and I would, "Will you please call and see if they are open" my response was "Will you tell me what time you are coming home" to which he said he didn't know and didn't understand why I wouldn't give him a divorce...I said I wasn't leaving and he could get James to help him) so he still wanted to call and ask me to help him while he was too busy cheating and partying but yet I'm not good enough?

Which that whole thing could have a been a lie because he said James was taking him to get a tire (but James wasn't off work yet...supposedly) but then less than an hour later his truck was moving (to pickup someone) to head out to party. The trip that lead him to walmart to buy condoms and beer and that damn SOBE Life Water (aaaaghggghghghghg because I know it was for her because he doesn't drink that kind of stuff!!) as well as candy (because I guess while you're partying and cheating you need a large bag of skittles and starburst since they were unopened on the dash) but what I really had thought was he had went to walmart to get condoms and flowers and gushy stuff for his date. That is what is confusing, instead of going out on a date and buying flowers and things, he goes to walmart and then to taco bell and then to a run down duplex-ish house with his girlfriend and other friends.

A friend told me that if I did understand what was going on, I would be in the same boat as all the crazy's out there so it was best that I didn't understand and that it didn't make sense.