House

House was his favorite show. We use to watch it together all the time, when it came on t.v. and we would even watch the season episodes over and over again at night. He would scratch my back and rub my back while we watched House.

It has taken me 7 months to watch the show. It is just one more thing that makes me realize all these things aren't him. I thought all I would do when I watched the show was cry & think about him. But I don't think I've cried, although I do think about him because they are reruns and we watched them together.

Isn't that crazy? Not watching a t.v. show for 7 months because it was his favorite? It is so weird how such tiny, tiny, tiny things feel like a milestone.

Fourth of July

It was very hard not being with you today. It seemed very strange and a little lonely and I don't know why. All I use to do with you on the Fourth of July was have a strong yearning for you to want to take me to see a nice fireworks show. Last year and the year before we went to the water park but now I look back on it and know it was because I always did the planning, I was lucky if you got an idea to do something...then I had to do all the work.

That is something I realized. The yearning. Yearning for you to love me, yearning for you to want to do things for me, the yearning for you to want to do things for me, the constant yearning. It was like a pain in my stomach, it felt like my soul was screaming for you & you couldn't hear it, like my soul was aching.

I have learned that if I had stayed with you I would have done ANYTHING for you to love me. I would have let you kill me. I would have let you tell me how to wear my hair, how to have my nails, what color to paint my toenails, how much I needed to drink, what kind of shoes to wear, what I needed to be doing for you. I loved you so very much that I let you control every aspect of our life down to where our children would go to school and we didn't even have children, even what they would be named, and I thought that getting to name the child if we had a girl was a victory. That I let you get away with being a jerk to me and to my family and to all my friends and I would have continued to let you because I loved you more.

I still can't believe you let your (soon to be) new wife have tacky long fake fingernails, and in really loud tacky colors like Barney purple. I remember last year you got mad at the way my toenails were painted because you called them sloppy. I actually went to Wal-mart & removed the polish in the bathroom and then went to a nail salon to get them painted. It is so strange how you never would say "You can't do ________" but I already knew. It is because you would say things like "You don't need to get your hair cut too short." or "She's getting a little short with your hair" or if I had a drink when I got home you would come in and look at the bottle and see some gone & say "Oh I see you're drinking again" (but it was ok for you to drink and drive when you were hanging out with your "friends" behind my back, it was ok for you to drink and drive, it was ok for you to have all these people I didn't know as friends and hang out with them but I couldn't). It was so strange how you would say I could go see my friends and when it came time you wouldn't let me, but you wouldn't say "NO YOU CAN'T" you would just throw a fit and make me feel like shit. How you would remark on shoes I liked in the store as "trashy" or "slutty" but it is ok for your (soon to be) new wife to buy her shoes at the Hustler store...where they sell REAL STRIPPER SHOES!!

I was so stupid to think that you had Holly Housewife Barbie to replace me. I thought it was going to be someone tall, skinny, long blonde hair, blue eyes, and Barbie pink lips with a monogrammed apron. Then I saw the pictures your new wife was posting, and I realized that I was the one that actually owned the monogrammed apron and the pink Kitchenaid mixer. I still blame myself but I know I can't be her, I can see she is really trash and that is even harder to take because I never knew you as this trashy person. I thought you were so much better than that, you made fun of women like her and even had a shirt from the Hustler store with a stripper on the back that said "I support single moms"...that was she is, even though I already know she or her husband hasn't filed for divorce...he's not in the picture and here you are taking care of someone else's children. But the really sad part is, you had been working this part time job with her before I ever cheated, and even before I cheated I told you I wanted a divorce & you told me no. You told me I could put up with the way things are or get out but you were not going to get divorced.

It was the only thing I ever trusted you with and I would have spent my entire life in a loveless marriage, alone. Because you never had time for me & you were always working (because you had a whole other life I had no idea about) & you would have kept telling me we needed to have a baby so that when we did get divorced you could control my life for 25 more years so we could argue about where's my child support check every month & I would have worried for each and every holiday how long I would have had my child & I would have had to hear your name come out of my children's mouths & hear HER name and have HER in their life. I would have shot myself. I know I would have. People tell me that is what you wanted, to be able to have control over my life like that the way your dad did it to your mom, and being with you for 11 years I knew that she bitched about child support EVERY SINGLE MONTH because he paid it when he felt like paying it and because they settled out of court she already knew if she went through the court system she wouldn't get as much money out of him because he used her. I tell people that is impossible, no one would really think like this. I don't see how you would have won, you would have never been rid of me but people tell me that people do think like that. It makes me sick to my stomach that you would have put me through that but you don't really want to get this all over with. That is why you won't agree out of court for a divorce--you want it to go to trial so you can call forward your witnesses of how awful I was & all the things I did to be such a terrible wife (even though your grounds for divorce are irreconcilable differences). That is why you are appealing your domestic violence case, because you just want to be right even though you lied. You lied on me, you lied on the police and you had the audacity to bring up who I was friends with on Facebook but you and your new wife are already taking vacations together and you have already bought her an engagement ring AND a WEDDING BAND (yeah. I saw those pictures she posted).

As I wake up from the coma I've been in for almost 7 months I am sadly starting to realize I don't miss you or even love you. I miss the man I thought you were. I still love the man I thought you were. But you aren't him anymore. You weren't him then, you were trying to be something you couldn't be & the person you are now is trash & it is kind of sad to see but I know how happy you are. You don't have to do a whole lot anymore and unlike the days of our petty arguments like when the garbage was overflowing and I begged you to take the garbage & got upset when you wouldn't take it for 4 days, you have someone that won't nag you about that. Because she doesn't care if you take the garbage or don't. She doesn't care if garbage is piling up on the floor or not. She's sleeping on the same sheets I slept on, laying her head on the same pillow I laid on (yeah, saw the pictures she posted of her and her friend laying in your bed...glad you still like the Ralph Lauren pillows my mother bought us for Christmas). She doesn't mind that my things were still everywhere in that house since I only had 12 hours to get all my belongings and leave before you got out of jail. It doesn't bother her in the least to pose in front of my butterfly windchime in the kitchen, that you bought me on our honeymoon. And it doesn't bother you because you are a monster.

And sadly, I would have never left. I would have had the yearning for the rest of my life. That hope that you were going to do something, anything, to just be a part of our marriage. I would have continued to stay and be abused, hurt, lied to, laughed at, deceived and made a fool of--all for you to love me. And I am stupid enough to think that I would go back. I am stupid enough to think was all of that worth it to stand beside someone and watch fireworks? I know it isn't fun without you but maybe it is because I am selfish since I loved you so very much & wanted us to be happy. Deep down inside it always felt right to me, like you really were the one who had my heart and I feel like a huge part of me is gone. I feel like a huge part of me is dead but somehow I know this is how it has to be, no matter how bad it hurts.

This is how it is going to be.

You're going to stop doing this to yourself because you're suffering because you choose to; pain is inevitable, suffering is not. You are not going to do this to yourself because you are finally waking up, the pain seared you into complete shock and numbness. You are now understanding what has gone on and you are becoming angry. You didn't get to take everything you wanted and you're mad because you want the things that were very dear to you. You want them because you had to pull teeth to get them because he controlled your every move when you were on his time. He didn't like you spending any money on anything that made you happy at all although you worked, did everything that he asked, you went out of your way for him, and followed his every direction. He did not want you spending a dime, you felt bad for buying yourself lunch and gas, but yet he could not pay his bills. He lied to you, he said he could start making the bank deposits and you thought he was a big boy now, you thought he was responsible and you were proud of him. Yes, his shocking new responsibility of money management came because he was hiding money from you. You make sure you never forget he only deposited $300 for 2 weeks worth of work before Christmas. Do not forget the weekends you went out and he said "Want some icecream?!" And you sat outside and talked to each other and thought everything was fine and you talked on and on with each other. Do not forget you were not the one that wanted a child with him until what happened with you and John. He came home in January (early) and talked about starting to have a child. Do not forget that you said "I just need you to tell me really simply, "I want us to start trying for a child if that is what we're doing. I know you are telling me but I just can't believe it"". Do not forget he repeated it to you, do not forget you told him over and over and over again that you didn't think y'all were ready, you wanted to finish school and pay off the bills and his debts and he told you "Well I understand that but I'm ready for a family and I know you want to go back to school but it has taken us this long so I don't see why we can't do both" (he said this has you were coming over the bridge on Jeff Hamilton Rd, you were driving). Do not forget he knew when the "right times" were. Do not forget he got upset because the anniversary present was not a positive pregnancy test. Do not forget he got excited only 4 days before he told you that he wanted a divorce because he saw the diaper wreath on the wall. Do not forget that he bought that Christmas jumper 3 weeks before he told you he wanted a divorce. Do not forget that when you took pictures of the Pontiac car he joked that now you would have 2 cars so yall could try for two sets of tiplets (he was locking the gate at the shop and he was laughing with you as you said "Oh no!" and said "You can put them in your truck!" as you pointed at his pickup as you were backing out of the gate). Do not forget he took you to Babies R Us and took pictures of you as y'all picked out stollers and he felt the organic cotton and remarked how soft it was before he knew it was organic cotton (because you wanted to do all organic items--as much as possible--in the baby's room). Do not forget that you looked at baby room items and he remarked that y'all could buy the whole set with the money you two had in the bank at that time. Do not forget the crib he wanted to buy at Christmas time when y'all were shopping (although you know that was probably in preparation for her child). Do not forget the "Daddy's Princess" jumper he got for you in September when you got a BFN and you were so sad.

Brandie, you are not crazy. He is going to blame you and say you were baby crazy. YOU WERE NOT BABY CRAZY. HE LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE THAT HE WANTED A FAMILY ***WITH YOU*** You peed on sticks all the time, you took creams and pills and ate all kind of foods and he made you feel something was wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you, you have a regular period, you ovulate regularly and you have been pregnant before and had no complications from what you had to go through.

YOU NEED TO REMEMBER THAT THIS IS NOT HURTING HIM. HE HAS NO PROBLEM LOVING ANOTHER WOMAN AND ANOTHER WOMAN'S CHILDREN. AFTER 11 YEARS, HE HAS NO PROBLEM CALLING HER NAME, TALKING TO HER, HOLDING HER CHILDREN AND BEING A 'DADDY'.

Brandie, you are too good of a person, you have so much potential and you need to tell yourself everyday that this isn't going to happen, you are not going to be ruined by what he did. You loved him but he has never loved you the same (look in the pink and green diary). You gave more than you had to, way too soon. He was wrong and you feel like it was your fault because somehow if you wore makeup all the time, fixed your hair 24/7 and wore matching pajamas he would somehow love you more. He wouldn't. He wanted the opposite of you. Do not forget your heart racing for the unearthly slow minutes when Jaki was sending you the pictures of her PI work, how you thought Barbie was going to be on the backporch in an apron. You thought she was going to be tall, slender, wearing a sundress, pearls and heels, with pink lips. You thought that it was going to be Faith Hill from the Stepford Wives. You thought it was going to be Bre on Desperate Housewives but with blonde hair. What did you get? Ashley, Beth's friend, with nasty self dyed red hair, no makeup, weird glasses, and a sleeveless black "Rock" t-shirt. What have you seen since then? That Beth is trash, you know she is, it is flowing outward from the pictures. You knew his whole family was trash all along, you know that he was going to do this, you just finally trusted him. YOU WERE NOT AN IDIOT, YOU TRUSTED HIM.

What is going to happen now that you are waking up is to understand you will not get anything more from this divorce, although you hope you will get each and everything you ask for, you need to go ahead and pre-accept that you will get nothing. REMEMBER YOU DID NOT TAKE ANYTHING THAT WASN'T RIGHTFULLY YOURS. YOU DID NOT DAMAGE HIS HOME OR HIS VEHICLE. YOU TOOK YOUR THINGS AND THINGS THAT YOU NEEDED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE SAFETY NET LIKE HE HAD ALREADY SET UP FOR HIMSELF. He is going to claim you took everything he owned (do not forget he already has a flat screen, PS3 that are James', and that he is using your carseat to haul around her child.) Once you accept that you won't get anything more, make peace with it.

At this time you are looking to decorate your new place. It doesn't matter that is isn't a big house, or a house for that matter. It is going to be a place you are going to learn to be yourself, and be ok, and a place where you leave the pain behind. You need to get excited that you have something to decorate :P . You will have YOUR THINGS. Yes, you will be alone. That is scary for you because it is nice when you had someone to come home to, someone to cook for, and someone to watch t.v. with but NEVER FORGET AS LONG AS YOU LIVE he was more dedicate to his work than his marriage and he was hardly ever home.

You are going to go back to school. It is not a fairy tale, it is not a fantasy. You are going to do it and pay for it yourself. The job situation will change and everything WILL workout and you ARE going to be sitting at USA in a classroom again with a binder, book, pens and in a room full of people who have no idea the drama you have been through. You will be cussing where you have to park and how far you have to walk and you are going to be so very excited. YOU TOOK TIME TO GET MARRIED AND PLAY HOUSE, THEN GROW UP, GET DIVORCED AND MOVE ON. It was a diversion on what you were suppose to do. It's not a big deal, stop criticizing yourself. Leary is almost 50 years old and is going to school. You are not an old bitty yet. And you will have a wonderful job where you make enough money to have great clothes and shoes. BUT YOU NEED TO REMEMBER THAT YOU WILL PROBABLY SUFFER HEARTBREAK AT YOUR JOB. Someone will probably stab you in the back because there are not good people in the world. You need to prepare yourself for it now. If you get a job where you are happy, enjoy EACH and EVERY day like you won't be there the next day. YOU BE A GOOD PERSON, EVEN IF YOU COME IN LAST AND LOOSE EVERYTHING. YOU WILL NOT BE A DOG AND YOU WILL NOT BE A BAD PERSON BECAUSE THAT IS NOT YOU.

You are going to start working out and eating better. Guess what Princess, it is not easy but stop making excuses, you are not happy with yourself so you are going to start doing workouts, even if it only a few minutes a day. It will be hard work but you are going to do it. So what if you don't each veggies or a lot of fruits, you are going to do it. You have to do this for yourself. You WILL DO THIS.

You are a lovely person, yes you've made mistakes but those mistakes DO NOT MAKE WHO YOU ARE. LEAVE THEM ALONE. LEAVE THEM IN THE PAST. Yes it hurts but John didn't love you, he lived in a fantasy world. Brise didn't love you, he was also doing the same thing because he was trying to cover up the fact he was outright trash.

You will make friends. It hurts that you lost Stacey but you lost her over a man. A married man she had been seeing for 4 months and is somehow madly in love with him for some strange reason and you did what you asked and then forgot to tell him it was her idea. She is sneaky, she had hurt you before and she will never change. She will always be that kind of person, nasty, backstabbing, evil...all because she doesn't love herself. YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE FRIENDS, GREAT FRIENDS THAT ARE NOT NASTY AND HURTFUL AND WILL NOT TURN ON YOU. It will take a long time, because it takes such a long time to know someone (you and Tori have known each other for a year and she is still a bitch to you...again, she is very territorial). YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY.

YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY, YOU ARE VERY SCARED AND YOU ARE VERY HURT BUT YOU WILL BE A WIFE, YOU WILL BE A MOTHER, AND YOU WILL HAVE IT ALL AGAIN. But instead of waiting 5 years to get engaged and that spark being long gone, you will probably have it much, much soon so you'll get to be in that lovebird mood for several years before things get in that slump, then a nice second honeymoon will do the trick. I see that there being a major bump (because of a slump, no cheating but just the general burnout and I feel like you will reconnect and things are going to be back at lovebird mode).

EVERYTHING WILL HAPPEN, YOU ARE JUST CURRENTLY ON A DETOUR.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO REMIND YOURSELF THAT YOU WILL NOT LET THIS HAPPEN, YOU WILL NOT LET THIS TEAR YOU A PART BECAUSE IT DOESN'T BOTHER HIM HE IS HURTING YOU SO YOU NEED TO LET IT GO. YOU WILL NOT DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY, YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY. YOU WILL.

And that pink bike at walmart as you exited ;)

Have you ever seen someone and wanted their life? Like, to live their life. There are a few people on facebook and when I look at their life through their pictures, I want to be them. Some are popular, skinny and beautiful and have lots of friends. Some are happily married with children. I am jealous of both because I haven't had either. I've never had a lot of friends, for whatever reason, whether it be me or be the fact that the man I was with thought they were all too immature for him to hang around and made them feel uncomfortable and worthless (as I've been told). But I'd rather pass up the opportunity to put blame on him. Then there is the happily married part, after discovering all I've discovered in such a short time, it looks like he had been in love with her for a very long time, I mean...wearing wedding bands less than six months after I left, yeah. There's no way they had been seeing each other just a few months before he told me so apparently our marriage wasn't as happy as I thought. And of course, I don't have a child/ren and the fact that he insisted on us trying to have children got me all in a "mommy mode". I started looking at pregnant ladies and being jealous, because I thought of all the things you get to do with a child, like decorating a nursery, buying all the baby things, feeling the baby move inside you, giving birth to a living, breathing human. I thought about all the 1st; first birthday, first tooth, first time crawling, first steps, first time riding a bike, first day at school, first words, first everything. I imagined what kind of clothes I'd buy for my sweet child, and he played along. Around Christmas time we were at Wal-Mart and he disappeared (for what reason, I can only guess) but he came back with a baby's Christmas dress. It was red and green plaid and had a gold buckle on the waist. It was beautiful and I looked at him and he had this look on his face that was indescribable. Which now I know it was probably because he was imagining HER child in it. He wanted to buy a crib around the same time, we found it marked down and he asked me if I wanted to get it, but I told him if we got it he'd HAVE to put it up because I was already dying to see what it looked like. He even got me to go online and look up reviews. We almost bought that crib. Now I know it was probably him pre-planning the arrival of HER and HER children. Not mine. I can only imagine what he was thinking for so long. I don't understand why he was so nice to me and doing things for me and with me. Even though he said it was because he was trying to convince himself to not hate me anymore, I still don't understand.

After seeing their pictures from their New Orleans trip it has gotten me really messed up. I can't remember things and forget a lot of things. I get so angry with myself because I have time to have imaginary conversations with him, to the questions he asked me in the week after he told me he wanted a divorce (knowing what I know now), preparing for him for the divorce trial (him, his vicious lawyer, and the slew of people he's going to drag up to say just how "amazing" he is). But the truth won't ever be told, even in court he still lied. "My friend's girlfriend" really? Is that why SHE moved in just weeks after I left? Really, is that why HER and HER children are taking pictures inside YOUR house? Really, that's why YOU and HER are in the same hotel? With you holding her flowers you had sent to the room? With pictures SHE took of YOU and you can she HER in your sunglasses sitting in the truck with you? Yes...your friend's girlfriend.

But it feels like something has snapped, like for good. I feel really messed up. Seeing her engagement ring and her wedding band, seeing the flowers he gave her, seeing the stripper shoes he bought her, seeing her pose in her nightgown with cellulite and fat rolls and huge ugly tattoos on her back. Seeing her halter top dress with saggy boobs, mismatched flip flops, skank fake nails, and holding a Krystal's cup in front of a fountain? I don't understand. Why couldn't I make him happy? What is she doing that I couldn't do? Why does he love her so much? Why did he take her to where we use to go all the time, to where he took me for MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY? Why is he buying her the same drinks he and I drank? Why is he taking her to the same stores we use to go to? Why does her engagement ring look like mine and SHE still got a better wedding band? I settled for a regular $20 one because the $800 had the likelihood of not being ready in time for our wedding. Why is she so much better and she has BAGGAGE!!!! But the second child could be his, even though her ex-husband is in the pictures when she was born. My ex had been working at the truckstop for 2 years and my mother is convinced she was the reason he started working there at all. That meant before all our problems, he was seeing her. Before all the drama that was all "my fault" he was seeing her.

So what happened all of sudden for him to be like "I'm done with you". What changed? He called me the night before I found out he wanted a divorce and he chatted up a storm. What changed? What happened? Why is he trying to cover up he has a full blown relationship? Geeze, she's friends with his whole family on facebook, and he hers. Like everyone is too stupid to see what is going on?! Are we all that fucking stupid?!!

I feel like my dreams are all gone. My home (that I picked out) is now HERS and HER children's. All the things he could never do for me I'm sure he's doing for her. I just don't understand. I don't know how to feel anymore because when I even think about meeting someone new it scares the shit out of me! All these questions fly through my head like "what if this all falls apart like last time" and yadda yadda yadda (you get the idea). I just hope, even though God and I aren't the closest, that if I meet someone that is suppose to be the real ONE, I hope it hits me in the face like a baseball bat. I want to know right away. I want to be like, yes I will marry you and I've known you 32 seconds but I KNOW this is it. How stupid is that? I just feel like my whole soul has been ripped out, I never imagined in 100 years he could do this to me. I was so in love with him, I would have done anything for him. Now he's happy, well...THEY are happy and I'm alone. Even though I made mistakes I don't feel that he had the right to do the same things 'just because' but apparently he is trash and hangs out with the trashy kind so I guess that's that. I am so nervous about our divorce hearing that I am almost sick, and it's 2 months away. I know I won't get anything because his lawyer is a snake. I have never been so scared of anything in my life. I hope that I can get myself together before then.

< / 3

Brise <3's Beth
John <3's Holley

Breanna Lenora/Kameron Terry is in Heaven.

Brandie is alone. Brise's mother posted on FaceBook he is as happy as she's ever seen in his adult life.

I found out that the problem was me. It is me. I thought I was a good wife. No one told me I was, I just assumed I was. I need to realize that I was not. That I will never be good enough. I wasn't good enough for John, he always said his choice would be Holley, so he chose that over me and the baby. Brise didn't love me, apparently I was awful. Apparently he was miserable and unhappy.

Now they are all happy. Because Brandie is out of the picture. Why don't I have the guts to take me out of the picture? Why can't I just crash my car into a tree or into a cement interstate exit divider? I don't want to hurt anymore but I still do this to myself. I know that I am not worth anyone's love and I will never be good enough for anyone, it has been proven twice already.

Why am I still here? I don't want to be here. I don't want to hurt. I hurt everyday. I cry everyday. May 31st would have been 11 years. I slept most of the day, went to work, and then left a few hours later. I couldn't stop crying and didn't want them all to see. He is finally free after almost 11 years. The home I picked out is now hers, the room I had dreamed of being our nursery is now filled with her children and her children's belongings. The back yard I always imagined our little children playing in now has a pool for her children to swim in. The man who I couldn't wait to get home every night now lays beside her, he wakes up to her every morning and comes home to her every night. This goes for both of them. They are both living a happy life because I am out of it.

I pass by his house, only to see her car in the driveway. I pass by his work only to see his work trucks and remember that I use to ride with him on calls. All the time and effort I put into it, wasted. But at least they are happy. At least they can all be happy now.

Do I get to be upset?

She's sitting on my back porch. In the chairs I painted, with the Tiki Torches we bought because they were so nice. You're sitting behind my hot tub that my husband and I made love in. My yard looks so very nice, the grass it cut and now the privacy fence is up, the trees are blooming. My yard. But it is filled with her, and her children playing in the pool. When can I be upset? When can I be angry? That was my life, you were my life but you threw it away for something I don't understand. Why was I not enough? Why was what we could have had together not enough? Is it because she is happy with a walmart pool and sitting on the back porch and I wanted to go out and do things? Is it I wouldn't get a nasty arm sized tattoo right on my front arm? Is it because I wasn't skinny enough, since she is just the poster child for anorexia. Why now? Why did you put up the privacy fence? Why don't you chop down my trees in the yard, those were ours. I wanted those trees. You still have my storage building, that's my parents. Not yours. Not your girlfriends.

I can't believe you are being a daddy to someone else's children. You were suppose to be the father of MY children. Those children already have a father. You took everything away. I stood beside you for 11 years and you lied to me, you used me, you treated me like a possession and tossed me aside. I hurt EVERY DAY. I CRY EVERYDAY. What do you do? You sit and eat with your family. FAMILY, not mom and dad like me, your new MRS. and your new children. You have a FAMILY LIFE, a home, a family unit, you help get them bathed, dressed, fed, but to bed and you and Mrs. snuggle together and make love all night. Because I know you do things for her that you wouldn't for me. I know she is everything I'll never be and could never be.

I hated you today. I went to see grandma and grandpa today & they already knew about the divorce but it isn't fair because I sat crying because grandma had an episode because she fell at the nursing home and has 2 broken vertebrae in her back and she said she saw candy on the ceiling, taffy exactly. And now all grandpa wants to do is color so we brought him lots of colors. The family has began to fight over everything, it has been going on for weeks and in the midst of it someone actually broke in (through a window no less) to help himself. You were there when I needed to be held tonight when my grandmother had to be seen again by the nurse. You weren't there to hold my hand to see my 70 year old grandfather color a picture of Cinderella. You were at home, with you daughters and your new wife enjoying the weekend. I never imagined living life would hurt this much. I don't want to live anymore. This is too much. Even if I didn't see the pictures myself I would still know you're life is great so what does it matter?

So Stupid

So I quit using this blog for a while. I though, oh boy, I'm "moving forward". I even made another blog to be positive, I named it "Becoming Brandie" as a journey forward. To put all my positive things there, to get to record all the things I'll get to do in my life.

But I look at their facebooks and that stupid photobucket account every day. I hate it!!!!!!! I hate myself for looking!!!!! Because I HATE SEEING HER FACE!!! I HATE SEEING HER CHILDREN'S FACE ON HIS PHOTOBUCKET!!!!!! I HATE IT, I HATE, I HATE IT, I HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE NOT KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!!!!! Every time I see a picture of her or her friends (Ashley or Kasie) in his house I zoom in, I look in the background and I swear to God everytime I do I notice a new piece of the puzzle. Like this picture of her daughter, and in the background is a collage picture frame with a bunch of photos. (First off, THAT WAS MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE SORRY BITCH USED *****my***** PICTURE FRAME!!!!!) But the point is that there looks like there is a picture of him sitting in his pickup truck. It makes me think she took it while they were working together because I've never seen it. She may have taken it after I left but it makes me think, where was HE AND HER AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME THAT SHE WAS TAKING PICTURES OF HIM?! Even though I know they were having an affair I think these crazy thoughts. Crazy!!! Like, um...they were sleeping together and hanging out together and talking and you're surprised she took a picture of him?

IT WAS MY LIFE!!!!!!!!! MINNNNNEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's so in love with his work, his job. But I rode in those trucks, MEEE!!! MY ASS HAS BEEN IN THEM!!!! I HELPED HIM BUILD THESE TRUCKS AND WORK ON THEM!!!!!!!!! I was a part of his life and his family for 10 FUCKING YEARS AND I WAS REPLACED!!!!! LIKE A BAD LIGHT BULB!!!!

He told me he wanted all this stuff with me but he had already planned to move her in, and her CHILDREN!!! HE TOLD ME HE WANTED A CHILD WITH ME!!!! HE WANTED TO TRY TO HAVE A BABY AND NOW THEY ARE ALL LIVING THERE!!!!! MMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY LIFE!!!! IT WAS MMMMMMIIIIIINNNNNNNEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Now I'm not saying it is all her fault because I know it isn't but I feel like she was a vulture in a way. I see the pictures of where she came from and I can see where she would be like, hmmm....this is nicer than I've ever had or ever have so let me see if this will work. But him! It was his fault, he did it. He did. HE DID NOT LOVE ME ENOUGH!!!!!!!! I know I had an affair but I felt like shit, let me repeat.....LIKE FUCKING SHIT. I still loved him, and I told him everything and he asked me to stay and for almost 2 years he acted like everything was fine and he was doing all this stuff for me and being who he had always been.

But he lied!!! He loved HER! HE WANTED HER, HE DID NOT WANT ME. HE DOES NOT LOVE ME AND DOES NOT WANT ME AND HE NEVER WILL. WHAT I HAD IS GONE!!!! I AM ALONE, AND HE IS WITH HER AND HER children. THEY ARE A HAPPY LITTLE FAMILY.

IN A BED I LAID IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN A HOME ****I***** PICKED OUT. WITH THE DECORATIONS I PUT ON THE WALL. WITH MY BELONGINGS IN THE BACKGROUND.



I want to be over it. I want to find someone else to love, I want someone else to love me but there is just these "ehhh" feeling when it comes to that. There is no spark, there is no flame. The only think I won't do is meet up and fuck these people online that are talking to me. I want more than that but why even bother? What does it matter? No one loves me (like a man and woman love) of course my parents love me but they are my parents and I'm their only child.

In life I am a failure. I have a job that doesn't require more than a high school diploma, I don't have good credit, I didn't finish college, I'm overweight, ugly with zits on my face and my scalp has something wrong with it (I think it is psoriasis) so I'm all ugly, I don't own anything, and going through divorce. I'm a fucking loser. So what do I do?

I LOOOK AT THEM ONLINE!!!! I KEEP LOOKING AT HER FUCKING FACE!!!!!!!!! I'M SO SICK!!!! IT'S BEEN ALMOST 6 MONTHS AND I'M STILL SICK!!!!!! IT STILL FEELS LIKE A KNIFE IN MY CHEST!!!!!!!

Now I am getting mad at him, because I almost thought about starting a blog telling him all I'm going through without him (yes, I said it. Another blog). Like my grandmother and grandfather being in a nursing home and them telling my dad and his 3 siblings to split their belongings. They've (not my father) been fighting over crap for weeks! And I say crap in the literal term, like an outdoor swing, a generator, a cookie jar (yes!!! a cookie jar because my mother asked for this snowman one because she's a Christmas freak & no one said they wanted it until she got it, THEN one of my aunts said....well....I kinda wanted that cookie jar).

Where is he? Where is my rock that I told my whole life story to? Where is my best friend? Oh wait, that's right. He stabbed me in the back like the only friend I had. What is he doing? Oh, that's right LIVING A NEW LIFE!!!!! WITH SOME TRASHY WOMAN!!!!

Everyone keeps telling me to be thankful he didn't waste anymore of my time and be thankful we didn't have children....but I want children! I wanted children with him!!! I imagined us having a little girl and her having her own hard hat and boots to go to wreck scenes with her daddy and granddaddy. Yes...I never ever mentioned those words to anyone. I can't quit crying now that I typed that out. It was one image I had in my head that I never told anyone. He told me that when he was born his dad took him around to all the other towing companies showing him off and he told me how he couldn't wait to do that with our child. OOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR child (and he said this within the past year, not like 5 years ago).

I have a broken ankle and I'm in pain everyday. Where is he? After all the years that I took care of him, where is he? Where is my nice comfy bed? Where are the mattresses I PICKED OUT?!!!! That's right, she's sleeping on them.

I want to kill myself. I don't want to be here. No one understands how bad it hurts, they say I'm selfish to want to kill myself but right now I don't see anything worth living for. I'm tired of crying everyday and people say to get over it but I can't, it doesn't work like that, it just doesn't work. I just want to be at peace, I just don't want to think about him and her together, I don't want to think about him and her and her children (or maybe the youngest one is his, who knows, she sure uploads the pic of her giving birth enough to make me wonder), I don't want to think about him, her, her children and HIS family.

I just want to die. I just want to kill myself. I just wish God would take my life and give it to someone who deserves life like a sick child or sick adult with children. I just want to die.

And I was so stupid that I put a link to this blog on my "Becoming Brandie" blog with the title "Who I was". As if I had gotten over it. Yes, very funny. Who I was is Who I Am and who I am right now is still hurting. Still someone with NO ANSWERS TO THE THOUSANDS OF QUESTIONS I have. Someone that cries EVERY SINGLE DAY about someone who I thought I'd die beside and be buried next to.

UUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

OK, so I got my papers today, they're not really that big of a deal. He didn't ask for anything. It basically said at the end that the Plaintiff (blah blah blah) "prays" that after a hearing a judge will dissolve the marriage and then equitably divide the property and debts among the two of us. Ok, great. I figured he would nit-pick down to the silverware.

But what I'm pissed about is his sisters Facebook status, which said she got to see both her brothers, which doesn't ever happen and she'll get to see them both again Tues (it is her birthday) she is turning 16. What makes me mad is that he never acted like he gave a shit about his family for over 10 years and now that I'm gone he's suddenly Mr. Family?! It makes me feel like it is my fault! It makes me mad that I had to remind him over and over and over again when family engagements were and make sure he reminded his father that he had to get off. Oh now that I'm gone, he's just having a blast.

Then his friend James, his best buddy who helped him hide his whole affair put on his facebook for Saturday at 4:58 PM "About to go on a wrecker call drunk...oops!" uggghhhhh that means that he and James really are good friends (because James is working for them, or they had a big wreck and James was needed) which makes me not understand why my husband, who is turning 28 is bff with someone who is turning 22 this year! But yet he didn't leave me to party, like I had thought, he moved in someone who had children and he wants to be a big boy and file for divorce, it doesn't make sense. So he basically just fucking hates me and always has. He is just living it up and he will never ever think of me again, he will never miss me and my heart has been fucking ripped out. I am lost, I am devastated and I am fucking crushed and he's having a great time NOW having something to do with his family (which is good, but my point is he never gave a damn before now) and it makes me think of what he could be telling them, like it was MY fault he never had time for them.

Then James' most recent facebook update was "If the rest of my week goes like my weekend has, it is going to be one hell of a spring break!" So great, they must be having a great time being cool kids (because they had a wrecker call Saturday night so I am more than sure they have just had a great weekend partying or whatever the hell they do).

I cannot believe that I was such an awful wife that he just threw me away. Gone. Moved her and her children in less than a month later, filed for divorce, now has something to do with his family. He was a piece of shit to me, never did anything, never did shit in the yard, didn't do anything in the house and I told my mother he would do this, that NOW he could be great. I'm sure she's made him WANT to be a better man and no matter what I did, he could not be good to me, he didn't want me, he didn't WANT to give a damn. I would put money that his sister takes pics of her party and he'll have his new Mrs. there. I'm sure they'll just fucking LOVE her. They hated me and I guess it really is my fault because I am the common factor in the fact that he hates me, his family hates me so it is all my fault.

I hate it. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to do this. I don't have a reason to be here because I know that I won't find anyone that gives a damn about me. I wanted to be with him, I don't see how he can be so great now that I am gone. Why?! Why wasn't I good enough?! My mom tells me I was too good but obviously not! Me doing house work and cooking and doing for him, I was used! He used me and it did not matter. I don't get it. Why could he not be good to me? Why?!!! Why is he being so great now? Why?! Why?! I did and did for him, or better yet....I thought I was doing and doing for him. I tried to not to bug him and bother him and it didn't matter, I must really be an awful human being. He will never ever love me, he will never regret what he has done. Life without me is better than with me and working with me. I am a monster. He is not the monster, I am. I am a worthless piece of shit.

I can't do it. I can't make it. It hurts worse than to just be "hurt" to say "devistated" or "crushed" it feels like my soul is hollow because I know I am a monster. I have always tried to be a good person and it doesn't matter. I will never be a good person, I am a monster.

Where should I start.

Well, I discovered he moved in his girlfriend. She also has children, their toys are in the backyard. My neighbor's told me and I even have pictures of her sitting on my back porch. It only took him a month to move her in after I left.

He dropped the bomb at the protection order hearing, he filed for divorce that very morning which meant the protection order was tossed to divorce court. But that only means that 1.) they didn't want the case heard 2.) gives them more lee-way for the domestic violence hearing because a judge didn't find him guilty so I can't say that another judge found him guilty 3.) gives them more reason to push for a not guilty plea and 4.) if he gets a not guilty plea it only gives the divorce court judge a reason to toss out the protection order.

So now I am devastated. The only things worse could be if she's pregnant, they get remarried after the 90 day waiting period, and I get nothing at all from the divorce.

Mentally, I am not ok. I am beyond crushed. The fact that this woman has children hurts the worst because for over a year he had me all hyped up to have children of our own and I got into the mindset of having children and being a mommy. Raising our child and decorating a nursery and having all those firsts, like Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, bike riding, all of it. Now I have nothing and he has a whole family. I never thought in a million years he could hurt me how he's done. I know I have made mistakes but I loved him, I really did and was sorry for what I had done and I felt like SHIT the whole time I had an affair. I felt like a total piece of SHIT but he's been doing the same thing and he feels fine for moving her in and her children. I am crushed. I couldn't make this man love me. I tried it all, spicing it up in the bedroom, having sex whenever he asked, made it clear all he had to do was ask, I decorated, I cooked, I looked up recipes that he might like and made them for him, I cleaned (even though I wasn't the best), I helped him with his work, I tried to do it all and it wasn't enough. He hated me. I don't know why this other woman is better than me. I don't understand how he could love her so much to boot me out and replace me. I tried not to bitch and complain or control him. He came home whenever from work, I tried not to question it, I tried to make jokes like "yeah and you were the one coming home 2 hours late last night, ha ha" and he would always have an excuse like he got busy at work and so on. I never told him how he had to cut his hair or his facial hair, didn't matter to me where we went or what we did. I just was happy being with him. But I guess he took all my "laid back-ness" as I didn't give a shit about him but I did. My heart is just broken. I am just so very hurt. I just wanted him to love me and wanted him to want to be with me and he didn't. He loves someone else and I am left without him and without all the dreams I had. I don't know what to do. I am so scared that I will never find anyone to have all my dreams I so badly wanted. I don't know how to get past this.

I started to feel a little better but then it feels like I regress.

I talked to my parents about a lot of things last night but I've had a rough couple of days. Now it feels like I'm sorry for myself. I can't explain it but I'm just sad.

I was off last night so I got to go to bed before 10:00 am in the morning and I took a prescription sleeping pill and slept like a normal person instead of sleeping until 4:00 PM but I had a nightmare.

I was riding with him in the wrecker and we were talking about her. It was like as we were talking about her I was having thoughts about what he was saying and I could see my thoughts in my dream. He was telling me that he needed more time to discover if he wanted to leave me for her. He was telling me about her, that she was kind of stupid and immature. That the time when he put so little money in the bank he had went to the grocery store with her (something I've thought about because she has kids) and he was saying she had just kept spending money and was extremely overdrawn. I told him he went shopping for her and her children. He said yes, and then I questioned him about when he said he wanted to try to have children, that he said he couldn't adopt because he could never love a child that wasn't truly 'his' but he cared for her children. He said yes. I had asked him if he ever told her he loved her and he said no, then said he had once. He was saying things that he didn't like (I can't remember them now) but he still needed time. I could clearly feel that he had feelings for her and I just felt so crushed. Crushed that after all this time and all we've been through I can just be thrown out.

I hurt for myself, I hurt because I almost feel like I'm sorry for someone else. Because I realize how sad the situation really is. I realize how hurtful he was, I realize how awful it is that I still feel like it is my fault. Like I keep telling myself if I had been better. If I hadn't bitched so much, if I had cleaned up more, if I had done the dishes sooner, if I had picked up the clothes around the house for the laundry sooner, if I had washed the clothes more timely, if I had folded the clothes more timely (I hated folding clothes). But I really did try. I really just wanted him to be proud of me, I was always thinking of him. I was always looking in magazines for recipes and thinking of what he might like. I know I had done bad things like my affair but I just yearned and yearned to make him happy, to make him be proud of me, to make him impressed.

I just wanted to be good enough for him and I fell short. But this girl was good enough, and she had all the qualities of not being "the one", even though my parents keep telling me that isn't the case, that she most definitely isn't "the one", that is all I fear. That he is moving her in with her children, giving her the car he was going to fix up for me, and all the things he wouldn't do for me he is doing for her. My heart is broken. This was the man I thought I was going to be buried beside, we had talked about it in 2009, after May because his grandfather had passed away in May. This was the man I wanted to be the father of my children. The man that said he would be such a good father. The man that said he wanted to be with me and it was all a lie. The truth was that for God knows how long, he had been thinking about leaving me. Or better yet, telling me to get the hell out because that, as I clearly knew, was "HIS house".

Almost 11 years. He was my whole world.

And his own mother, who went through this exact same thing with his father and she hasn't even contacted me. Even after I sent her an email on Facebook and Myspace and she's been on there since then. I sent her a text message after he told me he wanted a divorce and said I couldn't make him happy anymore. Then after finding out that he had been seeing someone else, I let her know. I am just embarrassed because his family always said this would happen, they always said I wouldn't be able to make him happy and they were right. I can only imagine what all he's been saying about how awful I was but he never said anything to me about it.

I try and remember all the crap I went through, that I was always having to make him to just about anything, even if it was picking up his stuff. He didn't want to do anything, he didn't give a shit about anything and I realized last night that he was emotionally absent for the longest time. He was just going through the motions. Thanksgiving when he didn't care that I was working because he said he was working as well, even though I cooked for us he seemed hollow. Christmas Eve when he said he was working so he couldn't be with my family for Christmas Eve, even on Christmas Day. Our anniversary in October was the same. I keep trying to think of a time when he was really there. I think his spirit had been gone for so long, and for that I blame myself for what I had done, my affair. It really is all my fault.

I guess now, with her and his new friends, he has found what he needed to feel alive, for his live to have a purpose, to finally be happy. He doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to. He doesn't have to do yard work if he doesn't want to, put down the toilet seat, try to have a baby or a family, he doesn't have to cook if he doesn't want to, he can just come and go and take her out on the town.

His sister is turning 16 in a few weeks and I have known her since she was only 5 years old and I won't get to see her drive. I won't get to see her graduate. I am sending her a birthday gift, I don't care what they all think.

I am just heartbroken because his mom's side of the family even knew we were trying to have children. His grandmother just had a heart attack the first weekend of January and I went. I actually left work to be there with him, only to find out later from phone records he was talking to his friend James and his new girl. I'm sure they were fixing to have a great weekend because it was my weekend to work and I was working nights.

I just don't know what to do, I keep trying to prepare myself mentally because I have to see him twice, once next week and then at the end of the month and I don't know what he's going to say and I don't know how I'm going to react. I've been trying to prepare myself for a month and I'm not ready.

Still waiting on him to send me papers. I don't know how I'm going to react to that. I think I'm going to beyond fall a part.

Nights are the worst. I can never sleep with all the thoughts in my head. I worry about court and I keep asking myself the same questions over and over that don't have an answer. If any of them do only he holds the answer and God knows I would never know the truth.

I keep find crap. This time on his time iPod Touch (the one that works like an iPhone) because I was looking through the history and found an email address "talkandtextwireless@gmail.com" with the words "Phone" under it. I have no idea what it is. I googled and googled, tried to log in, nothing. Looking through his internet history I found where he was able to log in online for his payroll card (which he said was not available online) but it didn't say the username or password and I need the card to get the info. I wish I had kept the card because then I could have just transferred money out of his account ha ha ha. Oh well.

I just want the pain to go away. I just wish he never had done this to me. I want my husband back. Or I think I do, when I actually think about all the times I was always hoping for something, hoping he would call, hoping he would be home on time, hoping he'd want to do something with me, hoping he wanted to fix up the living room, hoping he wanted to fix up the yard, hoping he wanted to have sex with me, hoping he was going to pay the bills, hoping he really wanted a baby, hoping he was taking it seriously. Always, always, always hoping. That is what kept me hanging on, kept me believing that things would be ok.

Now I'm stuck wondering if he and her were on the same shift, did they have dinner together every night, was he giving her money, had they been talking for months and month, did she ride with him, was he doing side jobs to have money, what did they talk about, was he going by her house at night, did they have lunch together, did they spend weekends together while I was working, did he visit her during the day, how many other people knew. I remember going up there and seeing her a few times and asking him "Oh I thought only black girls worked on your shift" and he would say so and so had to switch. Yeah right. She knew, she thought he was his, that is why she would come outside when I was there, to try and mark her territory. I just don't know why this had to happen.

I got him the iPod for our anniversary. I bought him some different earbuds and he said that it was oddly shaped and hoped (or he said he hoped) it was a positive pregnancy test. Then that night we went to dinner and he had my flowers delivered to the restaurant so they were already there and on the way home we stopped at the store and while I was in the car I wrote him a note and saved it on his iPod. I seen today it was just 123 days ago, "I had a wonderful anniversary and my flowers were such a beautiful surprise. 3 years down and only 75 more to go. I love being your Mrs.!!!"

While he cheated on me he carried around his iPod (he loved it) with that note saved on it. I would have stayed with him forever. I would have loved him forever. What happened?

Well today I had to go to the health department to get an STD test. I have never felt so humiliated in my entire life. I try not to judge people but these were the scum of the earth. Some girl talking about how she ran from the police and then blamed them for her running, talking about how she tries to not steal things from every store she goes in even though "she had like so much stuff", people who smelled like they haven't bathed in days. I had to go because my OB/GYN has to be booked months in advance. The stupid shit nurse at the clinic didn't even really want to examine me, she was asking all these embarrassing questions like "Well have you had any itching, burning, discharge" ummm...no but I found out my husband has been screwing a piece of trash so God knows what she has or her husband has because he looks like the type that fucks around on her too. I went ahead and got the shot and pills to cure some of the STDs if I had any (that can be cured). I have to go back on my freakin' birthday to get the official results, that way if he gave me something that will be his birthday present to me. Ahhhh, he just never quits giving. To top it off the nurse asked if I wanted some condoms, I was like....no, after what my husband did to me, I have no interest in being with anyone. She said that everyone says they don't need condoms until they need them and then don't have them. She gave them to me anyway and thought, "mmmm, maybe I should mail them to my husband because then he wouldn't have to pay for them at Wal-Mart on his weekends out". I try to focus all the mortification and embarrassment on him, like he is the one that put me through it, because in a way he is. If he hadn't cheated and done this, I wouldn't be going through it. I wouldn't have had to undress and dress and put my butt in some strange nurses face (who answered her cell phone in front of me and then walked out, as well has having the radio blaring on the rap channel), I wouldn't have had to get blood drawn and a shot (I'm a not a needle person, they usually have to have 2 people in there with me so I won't faint). When I focus it on him, maybe it will help me get over it sooner. It is strange because it has only been a month and I don't want to talk to him (although I have things to say to him that I didn't get to say before he went to jail, I have questions I want to ask but like he'd be truthful. He didn't even say the real reason he was leaving). Everyone else, who happen to be older, seem to see things clearly because all I worry about is that she is pregnant and if she is, I will probably kill myself because not only did I have an abortion after my affair because he said that he couldn't stay with me if I didn't, but he said he wanted a family with me and we had (to the best of my knowledge) been trying for a year to have a baby so in a way, he took that from me so it just seems perfect that she would have what I didn't. That he took things from me but he'll have them with her. I think she's going to move her in, MY house that I decorated, that I cooked in, that I did everything in. My mother just looks like I'm crazy. Everyone seems to be able to see what they call "Ms. Booty Call" and I swear it doesn't seem like that to me. I guess in a way it does, but who knows. I know I was a bitch and I complained and fussed about stuff but I was trying to get our lives going in the right direction to get things together. Figure out what we were going to do to get our bills together and what to do about our jobs to have the family life that he said he wanted. Then he just up and does this? It was like I wanted too much, I wanted more....but we were married!!! We weren't dating!!

I tried to do all the wifey duties, I loved to plant plants and flowers, cook--loved to look up recipes, loved to do laundry (although I wasn't the best at folding and collecting), I researched all types of baby things, I used to pack his clothes for his training trips when he went out of town. I remember in May I send him a huge package of his favorite things to his hotel where he was staying for training for work. He told me that all the guys were going out and I said he should go and have fun, behave himself, but have fun. He told me he wasn't into that kind of stuff and would rather talk to me and there was no way he could hang out all hours of then night and then get up at 7:00 to be in class. He said that they had Cameros that you could rent at Avis and I said he should rent one (he wanted one so bad) but he said he wasn't going to spend his money on that. I tried to give him freedom, I tried to get him to have fun because I didn't want to be that psycho controlling wife (especially since I had made mistakes in our marriage). I just wanted him to be happy but then I find out that James, who I remember him telling me about, and I actually urged him to be closer friends with. He told me how he was a young kid and he was teaching him all this stuff, the typical "taking him under his wing" and now look what happened!!!! This kid, who is younger than me, is totally aware of what he is doing and is covering for him!! I saw how often they talked (he and James) so there is only 2 options there, 1.) James gave that girl his phone (which I'm not too sure of because each time I had called it he answered, my friend even called him and pretended to have the wrong number and she said how weird he was because he wanted to talk to her and she was like...ummm I just had the wrong number) or 2.) that is what my husband and he talked about because once I saw he talked to her for almost 30 minutes and then 20 minutes later he talked to James for like 45. It made me think...really?

But anyways: I did find his phone number because some of his mail got forwarded to my address and I found the phone bill, he just suspended service to my phone and the internet and added a new line for his phone. I *67'd it but it didn't even go to voicemail, it said the wireless caller wasn't accepting phone calls...which was weird because I called Verizon before and they said if someone was blocking their number there was no way to block those type of calls but that is what it sounded like. I know that if you push "ignore" it goes to voicemail and that is what I wanted to know, if he set up his new voicemail. Whatever.

Oh...and he went to his arraignment for his domestic violence and of course...his family lawyer was his lawyer to which he plead "not guilty" and I'll have to end up going to court to testify what he did. I didn't go this time, I was able to look it up in the court system but I was so mad that of course, everything is handed to him. Uggghghhh---me on the other hand have to pay out of pocket for a lawyer. I don't know if I'll need one because one of the deputies told me the DA will be representing me because I am a victim and the victim doesn't usually need a lawyer, I'll just have to testify my version of events. I can't believe he even cares, he already went to jail so it isn't like he's going back and he's never been in trouble so I can't even imagine he'd even be on probation but I don't give a crap what happens to him, whether he gets in trouble or not. I just want it over with and things haven't even really started. I just hope they don't drop my Protection Order because since we don't have kids or shared bills he has no reason to ever contact me again.

Some people are shocked when I say I was done with him because he cheated but I'm like....ummm...he said he no longer loved me, he didn't want to be with me (even though he was nice to me during the week or so and hugged me and he brought home all my favorite foods to eat together and watch the football game) and then to find out he wants to live the single life after telling for a year and a half he forgave me and that he loved me and wanted to have a baby with me. After I took all these pills and got all excited about being a stay at home mom and looked a baby furniture and did all this research, just to be crushed every month and feel like I was failing him because I wasn't pregnant. He just went on and on about how excited he would be when I was pregnant and how he was going to help with the baby because he was the "baby guru" (a name my friends and I dubbed him because he was so great with kids...that came from raising his brother and sister) but he took all that away from me. It feels like he took my child away, a child that I already loved but just wasn't here yet. How could I not leave him? It hurts so much, my friend tells me I'm mourning the loss of my house and someone else told me such a beautiful thing: that I was romanticizing everything, which is beyond true. It hit the nail on the head.

It is weird because I don't miss "him", I miss all the things he did and the way he made me feel in the good times. I don't want to talk to him, I just want him to tell me how sorry he is, that he is a fool and that I wasn't all those awful things he said. That I was as good as I tried to be in my heart. That won't ever happen and I fear that I won't ever find someone to be comfortable with, that someone that wants children and wants me to be the stay at home mommy and want to have our house TOGETHER (for REAL this time) and will let me decorate for every single holiday, that won't mind my love for Martha Stewart and Southern Living and Better Homes and Gardens and all the things I love. I just always knew, or thought I knew, in my heart that the woman problems wouldn't be something I would have to worry about with my husband. I had put up with his job being more important for almost 10 years, it was his mistress. The show Wrecked is like a bibliography of what my life was like with him, his truck was the Mistress so I wonder if I ever do find someone that can accept and even LOVE all the things that I love, what will I have to deal with? His women problem? His excessive hunting and fishing? Smoking? Going to bars? It's so scary. I want someone who will joke and say "I figured you were at Hobby Lobby when I couldn't find you!!" I just want someone to think I light up their world. When I had my affair I kept telling the man I was with that I was not better than his wife, that I couldn't cook like she did or do all the things she did, I took up for her (partly because I knew her, I know how wonderful she was) but he didn't see all that. Now I know that is what my husband was missing, he was missing "that thing", that "something" and it hurts to know that someone else had it and I didn't. He was the only one I wanted to care about me, the only one who thought I lit up his world. He use to tell me all the time I was his whole world, and now I'm nothing more than a stubborn stain in his life he's trying to get rid of.

Finally stopped drinking everyday.

Still cry everyday because I don't understand how he could do this to me.

Went to Bourbon Street with a (girl) friend of mine so we were pretty much hung over for Valentine's and her fiance came to Mobile without her (she's been with him for 4 years so they're already having doubts). It was fun but since I've been married for 3 years and was together with someone for 10, that kind of lifestyle seems so fast. I decorated my house and collected recipes and looked forward to my husband coming home and now I've got to hang out with these drunk idiots and hope one day someone comes along. But like I want to meet anyone from a bar...but then again, I'm in a bar and on Bourbon Street and I fantasize about having a 12 foot Christmas tree I can decorate! LOL

I MISS HIM!!!!

I miss the man I loved with my heart and soul. I told him for over a year I was so very sorry for what I had done, I told him I would live my life however he needed me to live it for him to trust me, and not even trust me, for me to live however he needed me to live to know I wasn't screwing around.

I love him, my soul hurts.

He was the one I cooked for, the one I waited to come home, the one who scratched my back and held me at night, the one I watched stupid cartoons with. He use to make funny faces in the shower at me. He was my everything. Now I have nothing. NOTHING. Not my home, not my life, and even one of my dogs has ran away (it has been over a week so I know he won't be back). He said he didn't love me anymore because he couldn't get over what I had done. He said he really couldn't forgive me. But he didn't say that until I found out he had been on divorcesupport.com. He told me on the day that I had planned to leave a year ago, to which he said he remembered that date. I know he did this on purpose. He never admitted to anything.

I don't want to live anymore. Everyone keeps telling me "You are strong and you will be ok and it will be alright". WHEN???? WHEN WILL I QUIT CRYING? WHEN WILL THE PAIN IN MY CHEST GO AWAY? WHEN WILL IT FEEL LIKE MY SOUL HAS RETURNED? WHEN WILL I FEEL LIKE I *WANT* TO GET OUT OF BED? WHEN? WHEN WILL I STOP HAVING DREAMS ABOUT IT?

I just keep wanting to hear him call or do the "begging me back" because I want to go back. To lay in my bed, my big bathtub, my pretty little house with my new trees he just planted in the yard, with my rose bushes in the front and in the back, with my mailbox that I decorate. But I know that can never happen. I can't trust him. Even if he quit one job he would be working right down the street from where she works and lives. They sell prepaid phones all day everyday at Wal-Mart so if they wanted to talk, they could. Even if we moved, he got a completely new job, I would never trust him again (I'm sure the same thing he came to realize when he decided he'd rather go out and party and be Mr. Playboy than my husband). It seems like the ultimate revenge. But I came clean, I didn't have to be caught. I didn't do all of what he did to me, to him. I made a mistake, to which he said he forgave and asked me to stay.

Why? Why why why why why? Why can't he love me? Why can't he love me? Why why why why why? He had loved me for 10 years and not anymore? I guess the great friends he has (to which helped him cheat on his wife and cover for him...yes great people to have in your life) and now his new woman so he doesn't have to feel the sting of loneliness. I remember looking over his cell phone that morning and reading the texts the night before from his friend James, "Did you figure out any solutions" obviously to say "Dude, have you figured out an excuse to go out and party with us tonight and get away with it?" I mean they talked all day long, he talked to James and Beth all the time so how did James not already know he said he wanted out? That he wanted to go and do his own thing and stay out all night long and go into his room and give me no explanation? How did they not already know that? But who knows. Maybe they did, maybe he was asking "Did you figure out any solutions" as in "How are going to pickup Beth"....who knows but what I figured was the same thing my friends figured when I told them what it said. Of course they gasp in shock and then said the same thing I did.

I can't make it. I just want to blow my brains out. I don't like being alone. I can't stand this. I just want to die. I just want to sleep forever and never ever wake up. If God does all things, why can't he just give my life to someone else who wants life? A sick person, a cancer patient, someone dying that has a loving family, friends, and children?

Please help me. I can't make it. The hours go by and it seems like it has been minutes. Then the minutes go by and they feel like hours.

It is snowing and I can't be with him to share it. It hasn't snowed where we live in probably 15 years. I wish I could be with him to share it.

I had told him I always wanted to see real snow and tried to convince him last winter for us to drive to Colorado but he decided against it since it was about a 23 hour, one way drive.

It is snowing and I can't be in his arms or having a snowball fight or building a snowman with him. I can't be sitting in front of our fireplace with him.

I don't think I am going to make it through this.

I don't know how I'm going to make it through this. I just feel so very alone. Maybe it is because I really was dependant on him more than I thought but all I do is blame myself. I shouldn't have bitched as much, I should have dressed up more, I should have asked him more about what he was going through, I should have inquired about his day more, I shouldn't have talked so much.

The minute I type those words out I tell myself that if I didn't talk there would be nothing but silence. He no longer wanted to share his life with me. I just can't help but feeling more than not good enough. His family told him the moment he met me that I wasn't so I am glad I could live up to their expectations. My heart just feels ripped out. I just want him to come and tell me that he's sorry and that we will work it out, no matter what it takes. But deep down I know that isn't going to happen this time, and after the abuse and cheating and lying I don't think there would be any hope. I guess right now the worst part is just to get over the sadness and the feeling of being alone...especially since Valentine's Day is only 4 days away. Great.

My parents celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary tonight, all I could do was cry. I made sure they didn't see because I didn't want to ruin their night but it is so heartbreaking that I only made it to 3 years and they've made it that far. All my hopes and dreams are gone. My beautiful little house that I decorated, my kitchen full of pink gadgets, the person who I laid beside every single night. The person who I was excited to come home to, the person who I imagined painting our baby's nursery and being beside me forever. I keep remembering the fun times we had and I just cry because I don't have anyone to do those things with. I can't even go to the movies! Yes of course I know I can, but I think you get the point. We just talked about celebrating Valentine's Day, well I guess "I" did because I said I had to work on Valentine's so we shouldn't celebrate. He jokingly said "I have to work on Mondays so I'm not celebrating Mondays anymore". Now this. Now nothing. Now waiting on his divorce papers and wondering if he's enjoying his time with his girlfriend.

Because that, of course, is the other stab; he doesn't have to be alone. I never imagined my life without him and I always said if we got divorced I would never do it again, I'd do it all on my own. Have children with a donor and IVF, have my own home, my own career but I had this whole other mentality. He said he wanted children and wanted us to be a family so I was Mrs. Domestic. I was a subscriber to Better Homes and Gardens and Southern Living for Christ's sake! Now I can't even bring myself to read them! I have no where to live! No where to decorate, no where to cook recipes, nothing. We went to Sam's Club to look around at Christmas time and I saw they had a 12' tree there and I joked that I wanted it. He asked me if I wanted it and joked I needed to go to Sam's after Christmas to see if it was on sale. He talked about it, he brought it up and joked with me about how many ornaments and lights it would take to decorate a 12' tree.

But when his grandmother had her heart attack at the beginning of January he made a comment at the hospital when we went the second day to visit her because we had an argument, he said that maybe I'd be better off without him. I thought he was going through a funk because he almost just lost his grandmother but I felt differently. I just looked at him and said "Well maybe it is something that we need to talk about". Maybe I should have said how I felt, that my soul was being crushed by the thought but I think my brain knew what my heart couldn't accept. Only to find out that his grandmother's heart attack ruined his plans with his friend James and the girlfriend (after looking at the phone records I saw that he had called James and her repeatedly, and they called him as well) only to love the fact that I was working night shift as well (6PM-6AM) so I left work to be with him and his family while his real funk was his weekend plans were ruined. But he even commented that I "stole" his New Orleans Saints shirt because I was wearing it.

I offered to stay home Sunday (because I did have a good excuse) but he said it was ok for me to go to work, obviously because he had plans with his friends from the night before. I didn't see any calls that night but since he got into a habit of turning his phone off, who knows. And on top of that, James texted him like a million times a day, so much that my friends and I even thought that maybe James had given the girl his phone because there were sooooo many calls, but every time we've called it, it has been James to answer.

It is clear now that he just inched closer and closer to the "not wanting to be married" stage. The night I went by the place he was partying I was actually kind of comforted because I thought he was going through the "guy thing" he had single, young friends who didn't have any responsibilities, the get to go and do whatever they want (James has been to Vegas, been skiing, frequent New Orleans visitor), they don't have a mortgage to worry about and all those other bills and trying to figure out how it all works together living paycheck to paycheck at times and trying to figure out how to pay the $400 electric bill when the $275 gas bill is due. But what I don't understand is I told him over and over again how our life would eventually go if we had kids and I was a stay at home mom (like he said he wanted) I would be calling him and telling him about a carpool mom problem or the highlight of his night would be me telling him about how frustrated I got with a toy that wouldn't work or the baby stuffed peas up his nose. He said he understood that and was ok with that. It wasn't like I was an idiot.

I remember the days after I moved into the other bedroom (before I moved out) he was installing the cable in my room and we were talking and he said "Why isn't it like this all the time, it is just so carefree and nice" and I said that maybe we were always worried about our future and not the right now. But it didn't matter, he was able to mentally prepare himself for being alone and being divorced. He was ready. I cried my eyes out and begged him to reconsider and all the time he had been talking to someone else and not only that, his good friend was helping him succeed in hiding everything, and you KNOW he was helping convince him that marriage was lame (if not convincing, at least agreeing with him). I just don't even have words. I can't believe my husband has done this, has let these thoughts come into his head after all this time together, 11 years.

I have had an affair and he asked me to stay and said we would work through it. Then a year and a half later he does this. I had no idea. I know how he feels now and I blame myself because if I hadn't done what I had done he wouldn't feel the way he does now so I guess I deserve all I get. But I don't think it is right for him to do what he did and then a year and half say that he said he forgave me and though he did but he actually didn't and doesn't. He said that he had been doing all those nice things to try to convince himself he loved me and that he didn't hate me. Which, he does not love me and does hate me. I would have rather him just treat me like crap than to treat me nice and then up and turn the light switch off (which is exactly how it feels). I keep telling myself that I don't understand. The image of his girlfriend is in my head and I'm still confused because she wasn't his type, she's not attractive, she's a redneck who is uneducated with a 10th grade education and looks like she couldn't cook a grilled cheese. Someone that he made fun of, someone that he wouldn't associate with. Here I am, on the TTC message boards, trying to find out all the information I can on having a baby, trying to get our life in order to do all the things we wanted to do, taking care of the house, doing the laundry, doing whatever he asked me to do (OH! THAT REMINDS ME: The night I tracked him he went to the parking lot of where he worked "to meet up with James" and then he called me and said he had gotten a flat tire, which may have been true because he had some tire problems because the weather was cold and the pictures look like it is a different tire....but he called me and asked me to call around to see if any tire shops were still open at 10:00 PM. I told him to ask me nicely and I would, "Will you please call and see if they are open" my response was "Will you tell me what time you are coming home" to which he said he didn't know and didn't understand why I wouldn't give him a divorce...I said I wasn't leaving and he could get James to help him) so he still wanted to call and ask me to help him while he was too busy cheating and partying but yet I'm not good enough?

Which that whole thing could have a been a lie because he said James was taking him to get a tire (but James wasn't off work yet...supposedly) but then less than an hour later his truck was moving (to pickup someone) to head out to party. The trip that lead him to walmart to buy condoms and beer and that damn SOBE Life Water (aaaaghggghghghghg because I know it was for her because he doesn't drink that kind of stuff!!) as well as candy (because I guess while you're partying and cheating you need a large bag of skittles and starburst since they were unopened on the dash) but what I really had thought was he had went to walmart to get condoms and flowers and gushy stuff for his date. That is what is confusing, instead of going out on a date and buying flowers and things, he goes to walmart and then to taco bell and then to a run down duplex-ish house with his girlfriend and other friends.

A friend told me that if I did understand what was going on, I would be in the same boat as all the crazy's out there so it was best that I didn't understand and that it didn't make sense.

Well hello everyone. I'm not going to publicize this blog so if you've found it, then it is because you searched. I wanted to start this blog as a diary of what I am going through since I am heading towards the Big D...Divorce. There are so many things I want to say and I usually just end up sayin "I just don't understand". I know I have talked my best friend's ear off as well as my poor mother's so I think I just need an outlet to just let it go. Even if it doesn't make sense, just a place to let it out. I know I am going to need therapy because I had no idea he was unhappy, I knew we weren't perfect and I had my fair share of screw ups but I didn't know he was seeing someone else or talking to someone else or that he had the desire to be Mr. Playboy or Mr. Party Boy. I tried to not be the physco controlling wife, but in the end, that is exactly what he called me. Even though he had no responsibilities except to take the trash and put a trash bag back in the garbage can. He did no laundry, no dishes, didn't clean up the house, didn't pay bills (he never paid them on time even though they were in his name), didn't have to keep track of appointments, go to the grocery store of every be home on time. His work always came first, it was his family's business so I let that slide for our entire relationship of 11 years, not to mention every single day in our short three year marriage. Although we got engaged in 2005, the same year he bought the house *I* picked out. I helped him every single step of the way and then he up and says he's not happy and then goes and hangs out with his friends until 4:00 am in the morning.

He was doing all of the things he told me he didn't want to do, he didn't want to hang out with all these people and drink and go to bars. He was always so above all that, even though I'm the one that said we should do that kind of stuff because we were young and had no kids and we could enjoy our time together and enjoy ourselves. Ha. Very funny, he tried to be Mr. Family Man to my face (my last year's Valentine's Day gift was a pink Kitchenaid stand mixer) but he really was talking to another woman he worked with and hanging out with his college aged friends. He always acted so mature but in the end it was like he wanted to be a slob, he wanted to be a dirt leg. I remember the week after he told me he wanted a divorce I stayed up all night long almost every single night crying and begging him to reconsider, to consider marriage counseling; I told him I would change to be and do whatever he wanted. We didn't ever have to move out of the house (what we said we would do "one day" once our kids got a few years old because it was a smaller, starter home) I said we didn't ever have to have kids (we were trying for an entire year per HIS request. The morning I found out he wanted a divorce I had actually just got done peeing on an Ovulation Prediction Kit Stick). I told him that I would do whatever he asked, whether it was have sex everyday or give him oral sex 4 times a day or totally leave him alone. I cried and cried and I still feel today (3 weeks later after finding out he wanted a divorce, 2 weeks after finding out he had been seeing someone else) that my world is over, that it is almost not worth living. I totally loved him, I had made mistakes, which he forgave me for and thought this past year and a half was the best year of our marriage, which he said it was in many of our "talking about divorce" talks.

I know I can't kill myself because I'm an only child and can't do that to my parents, although at times I'm not sure if they care but they did care enough to help me get out of the house after he went to jail for beating me up (I guess I can go into detail about that some other time) and I only had 12 hours to make up my mind. I didn't want to leave because that was my legal residence but I knew it wasn't going to work with him just coming home, leaving for the entire night or entire day, strolling in, going to his room and me in mine. Always hoping he was going to come to my room and just say "Ya know, I'm sorry. I'm just going through something [insert whatever reason here]" but he never did and that waiting and hoping was ripping my soul out. Just 3 days before he told me he wanted a divorce he say I had made a diaper wreath (similar to a diaper cake) and got all excited because he though I was pregnant. The night before that we had sex, which he wanted and persisted on (as in he made all the moves). When he thought I was pregnant, his tone wasn't "Oh MY GOD!!! ARE YOU PREGNANT?!" It was like "Oh my God! You're finally pregnant and I'm so very excited!!" So, I'm still at a loss for all words.

I am so glad I was smart enough to see through the pain and figure out a way to track him. Oh yes, I tracked him by buying a prepaid cell phone, downloading a GPS tracker, placing the phone in his truck and then watching it online through the website www,instamapper.com. It was beautiful. It even used Google Satelitte maps so I was able to see virtual pictures of where he was. He still doesn't know this is how I was able to find out where he was at his friends house 4 hours after he left home (which I watched him take an all-over-the-world route so he would know no one was following him) and the fact that he picked someone up and dropped them off on Siesta Court. I had planned to just watch him for a while, to see his pattern, but after seeing where he was for an extended amount of time, that plan was out the window. And he never even flinched when I told him street names, which is weird because at one point I know he parked on the side of the road for about 10 min, and I know it was to make sure there were no cars following him so when he refused to tell the truth about his trip, I pulled out the street names, ha ha. He never admitted to seeing someone else but after I asked him what he got at Walmart, since he said he went home, Walmart, friends house--I asked to see the reciept then pulled it out of his pants pocket....and guess what he also bought....CONDOMS! Ah yes. I won't ever forget reading that...as well as a SOBE Life Water (which guy on the face of the Earth drinks that?!) Uggghhhhh whatever!

That's when I told him I was leaving with the reciept. To which he jumped me, slammed my head into the ground and attempted to break my hand to get it. He succeeded, then I left and drove around, called into work and came home. I attempted to tell him "I called work and told them I'm not coming in and we're getting this shit out in the open" but all he heard was "I called work" and then said "Well I'm going to call your work too" (I work in law enforcement) so he called and said I jumped him. The word mortified doesn't even begin to describe the fact that the officers I work with were coming to my home! My home, which was a wreck because I had been sorting through things, a wreck because I had done ZERO house work in over a week because I was more concerned with where the hell my husband was and why he didn't love me anymore. So, I thought, I'll wait in the driveway and maybe he'll come outside and they won't have to go in. WRONG. Since they knew who I was, they send 3 officers instead of 2, and I loose it in the parking lot when I see the cars pull up. I'm crying hysterically and they walk up. I had already called for my husband to come out and I informed them he wouldn't come out and I knew they had to talk to him first since he called. But they weren't really concerned with him and asked me what was going on.

Ha! I only thought I was mortified. I had to tell them my business, my story of what had gone on. So I do, show them the knot on my head and the scratches and my fingernail that was starting to turn black and then we go in. I yell for him again and he still doesn't come so the officers have to yell at him. He walks out. Now, I'm not a small girl at all, but he's about 6'4, 340 and I think the minute they saw him they were thinking, "Really?! Did you really call us because she jumped you" So I walk outside and only hear bits and peices but he starts to say "Oh I came home from being out with my friends and she jumped me" Then I can only hear whispers and I'm honesty trying not to hear because I'm scared I'll become enraged, run it, try to choke him to death and then be tazed by the three officers standing in my house. So I scared to death that there are marks on him from where I tried to get him off of me, so I'm just standing in the cold. Walking back and forth and then I hear one officer raise his voice and say "But she's the one with the big ass knot on her head?!?!!" A few more whispers that I can't hear and then I hear the words "Do you have an weapons on you?" And I'm thinking....OMG....he's going to jail!! But I'm not sure. So I wait. Then I hear footsteps and one officer comes out and tells me that he will be going to jail. I didn't even know how to act, I was happy, so happy because I kept telling myself he deserved it. He had abused me on and off for years and he had done such awful things to me. But I didn't know what to do, so I cried but said "Thank You" at the same time.

I got to watch them walk him outside and even got to see a glimpse of the handcuffs. I thought that handcuffs have never appeared more beautiful in my whole life. So after he was put away in the car they tell me he will be in jail for only 12 hours for a "cooling off period" but most of the time they are pissed off so I had 12 hours to do whatever I needed to do. Then they ask me about my program and I tell them how he had lied to me because I had proof he was at this location and that location. They asked me if I had followed him and I said no, there was no way I could have. I couldn't spend hours and hours driving around when there are tens of thousands of homes in our city, and who was to say he was even going to stay in our city? So I told them I had even printed out where he had been and showed them. I think they were rather impressed!

But the best gift I was given was yet to be found. I was looking around for the receipt and then I saw something even better on top of our entertainment center. They had not let him take his cell phone, keys or wallet to jail. So I go unlock his truck and see that it had been cleaned out from the other day and in the backseat I could easily tell they had sex. His uniforms were all on one side as a pillow, my case of water was in the floorboard and nothing else at all was in the backseat. I was sick. I also saw on the dash there was a few pages of listings of divorce lawyers he had printed out and some had "X"s through them. But it burned me up inside because as I was looking through his console (which I didn't really do a good job of) my papers were in there. My markers were in there from a charity auction he took me to (I had to use markers and index cards to make numbers) and even some reciepts for things he had gotten me for Christmas. I was so sick I just quit looking (although I think I should have kept looking because I just know those condoms were in there. I mean, they were the family pack so they have to be somewhere but I guess the thought of putting my hands where her hands or whatever else could have been was too much for me to handle.)

So I went inside with the idea I wasn't leaving. There was no way. He would have to go to court and evict me, I helped to pay this house note, I helped to pay these bills. So as I thought I got his cell phone and changed his online password so I could look over his records. I called a few numbers and it didn't take long to dial one and get the voicemail of "You've reached Beth, Caydence and Emma. Please leave me a message". The name Beth sounded familiar and I knew it was the name of a girl he worked with. Further research proved right (but that is also a longer story). So then I knew it was pointless. Did I really want to be here when he got out of jail? What would it matter? He had already done what he was going to do and continue to do whatever he wanted. Should I leave? I knew if I left when he got home, all of my belongings would be ruined. So I just walked around the house for an hour and knew it was time to leave. What if he came home and hurt me again? What was I going to do? I already knew that I wouldn't get the house anyway, the mortgage and the deed where in his name, he bought it before we were married (even though all of that doesn't matter) even if a judge said it was mine I would have to get a mortgage, which I can't do (already tried) and there is no equity in it to even split because it is a 30 year mortgage and we've been paying on it for only 3 years. So the house I picked out and loved is gone.

My parents came and we moved out everything I owned (except some of my holiday decorations) in about 8 hours.